Subterfuge

Bliss

2011-07-23T22:48:00.001Z

I can't remember the last time that I've been this happy.

My bad

2011-05-20T17:45:00.004Z

Just in case tomorrow really is Judgement Day:

Mom...that time when I was 9 years old and the windshield of your Cavalier got smashed by a baseball...it was me. It wasnt Franklin!

Sorry! Love you!

PS: sorry, Frank!

Innanet

2011-03-01T02:56:00.004-01:00

Where would most of us be without the internet?

How different would your life have turned out without the internet?

I'm moving into a house tomorrow with a couple of friends. I met those friends...on the internet. It's tripping me out.

I've met so many people from internet sites since 2004. I was thinking how different my life would have turned out if I never had internet access. I would have missed out on a lot of experiences. A lot of great people.

I'm sure I would've come across different people, different friends, different experiences. I wish I could see a clip of my life without internet access. I want to see what would've gone down from 2004 till now.

Bitch.

2009-09-21T13:47:00.011Z

I got a new dog.

Her name is Jackie-O. Let's not get carried away with 'awws' or 'she's so cute'. She is a BEAST. Her style is impetuous, her defense is impregnable, and she's just ferocious. She wants your heart. She wants to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!

This picture is not doing her justice at all.

OK maybe she's not a killer afterall.

...Yet.

My name will be the death of me

2009-09-13T16:09:00.016Z

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet: don't do business in the hood.

Fuck the hood.

I went to purchase a new phone recently. Sounds like a pretty simple process right? Wrong. I searched online for the nearest T-Mobile store in my area and bam! There's one about 2 minutes away.

So I head over and I'm greeted by a guy that looks like this:

Rep - Whuss yo name?
Me - Rah-duh-mes.
Rep - Vladamir?
Me - What?
Me - RAHDUHMES.

I handed him my license so he could accurately input my address and...full name. Was that helpful? NOT. I found out that he misspelled my name after I called customer service to find out WHY I'm being billed (3) times for my first month bill. Oh yeah, I'm being billed (3) times.

So I'm trying to figure out how this mess was created and the customer service representative tells me that Radames Cruz Jr is not the primary account user's name.

-________________-

So I hung up and went to my.t-mobile.com and saw that my billing name was listed as "VLADIMIR CRUZ".

Sigh.

Uncle Wes

2009-09-03T12:44:00.005Z

Parking - $10
Infield Box tickets - $8 (ftw!)
Large Pepsi - $5
Experiencing your first walk off home run - PRICELESS.

PS: Yes, there were only about 200 people there. Shut up.

Fuck yeah, cap locks!

2009-06-23T17:45:00.008Z

I'm sick as a dog at work and annoyed as usual.

Click email to enlarge:

1. STOP! Grammar time!

2. Oh! You can circle yes or no via email? Is this a new feature I didn't know about?

One more email:

Fuck yeah, cap locks!

We made a truce: I'll practice the word respect if she promises to stop butchering the English language.

You go?

2009-06-09T14:07:00.006Z

Have I said how much I love my job?

I love it.

Do you believe me?

I'll leave an email with you guys this morning.

Enjoy.

National Idiots Day

2009-06-01T19:32:00.008Z

I'm annoyed today. Only today? Yeah shut up.

I was going to write about Sneaker Pimps 2009 / Miami - which was a success. But instead I'm going to tell you about Captain Obvious and her crew of lackeys.

I work in the area of procurement. If you've been paying attention to my last few post - you would see that I'm in charge of handling the pay on foot station that is located in our parking garage.

Fun!

The busiest days in the garage are Mondays and Tuesdays. It can be pretty hectic at times. Captain Obvious is the garage supervisor...I guess. If that's what you call supervising...then cool. I'll just refer to her as CO.

CO - Remember, today is Monday. Make sure everything is set.

Hmm...today is Monday? Thank God you reminded me, I thought Tuesday came after Sunday. I was so confused! Where would I be without you!?

Usually I don't pay her any mind, I just ignore her and move along. But today is different. I think today was a surprise national holiday for idiots. And a big ceremony was held at my job. And no one brought me any cake.

So today I don't see CO for most of the morning :]

But she catches me right after lunch and says this:

Captain Obvious - It's raining outside. I don't think a lot of people will be coming into the garage.
Me - Oh really?
Captain Obvious - Yes, it's weird because it's Monday. And Monday is our busiest day.
Me - Oh yeah?
Captain Obvious - Yeah.

She is sharp.

One of her lackeys also takes it upon herself to remind me every week that it is indeed Monday. I usually give out janitorial supplies to this woman once a week. When? Monday! SO today she sees me and says:

Lackey - Hey Radames, it's Monday...time for supplies.
Me - It's Monday?
Lackey - Yes.
Me - sigh.

If one more person tells me that it's Monday...I will kill you on a random Monday.

Spucci

2009-05-12T14:37:00.007Z

You know when the driver ahead of you is backing up and you visualize them hitting you before it happens? That happened to me this morning. It wasn't a big deal, there wasn't any damage done to my car but I turned it into a big deal anyway. I'm not a happy camper in the morning, sorry old man!

I never understood why some Argentinians speak as if they have a lisp. I don't get why there isn't a story behind it. Any who, Castilian spanish is annoying.

PS:
Click to enlarge

Another coworker misspelled my name in an email that CLEARLY shows the correct spelling of my name.

I love my coworkers.

Click click

2009-04-21T13:10:00.007Z

I have ventured into the world of photography as of late. One thing I found out quickly is...this shit is fucking expensive!

I had no idea lenses were so damn costly. And not only lenses but lighting equipment, the whole nine yards.

I joined flickr two years ago but never fully dipped into the site until I got my DSLR. I came across a person that took pictures of himself each day for 365 days. I decided to do something similar but with toys.

It's funny how people think I'm weird when I'm setting up for a shot...with a toy.

Actually, some probably think I'm a little insane. The other day I took out some toys during my lunch break and I got some funny looks from a few coworkers. I went out with some friends to see a movie and after noticing a toy a friend said, "who brings toys out on a Friday out?" I guess I do...now.

Check out my photostream (Don't hate, I'm still a noob).

Kindly leave

2008-12-10T20:39:00.003-01:00

Next time you're wearing all black and a dumb ass says, "Going to a funeral? Hehehe" say YES. Then look at the stupid ass look on their face when they apologize.

Idiots.

Little girl

2008-11-25T18:48:00.011-01:00

[Click pic to enlarge]

Emails at work have become a source of entertainment for me...sort of.

This is a different woman from my last post. THIS character sent me an email today with another abbreviated word. I say another because EVERY email I've ever received from her has had an abbreviated word. That's cool - if done with your friends. But not in a professional environment. And it's not even anything normal as in 'ASAP', no. I get shit like this:

c/s
j/e
l/r
p/s

What the fuck is j/e?

Such as my last post, this is not a 9 year old girl. This is a grown ass 50-ish old lady that I'm going back and forth with.

"Obviously, only girls understand these abbreviations" - Well what the mother fuck. Will a 'girl' out there please educate me with the meaning of these fucking abbreviations? Unfortunately I'm a "male", I don't have access to these secret code of abbreviated words database that women are blessed with.

I would have respected this email a little more if she had said one of the following:

Only Sea-monkeys understand these abbreviations.

Only Tyrannosaurus' understand these abbreviations.

Only Wompas' understand these abbreviations

This is from an email she sent yesterday:

"so can we go. tomo. at 930a to p.u. cleang supp."

Why is there a period after go? Why are you not spelling out the words completely? You're not on a cell phone, why the fuck are you shortening words? THERE'S NO REASON FOR ANYONE TO DO THIS. If you're insecure about misspelling - use the fucking spell check function.

Fuck this place.

-22 year old graphic designer here.
-Can adapt to any style
-Hard worker
-Self motivator
-Email me for Resume / Portfolio / References / Blood work / Whatever the fuck you need to get me out of here!!

Dunce

2008-11-18T13:06:00.008-01:00

Click the picture. My name is Radames, pretty unusual name around these parts. And by these parts I mean Earth.

If I ask you to spell it out chances are you might spell it incorrectly. I'll give you that. But how do you misspell my name when it's RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE?

Also, why do you type my name out lIk dIs? This isn't a 13 year old child that is emailing me btw, it's a grown ass woman.

Kill yourself.

Umm, wait?

2008-10-10T00:49:00.004Z

New life mission: Create an elevator system that whenever you press the button more than 3 times...it gives you an electric shock. Not only will it shock you but it will take its sweet ass time to get to your floor. Maybe THEN people will stop pressing the fucking button 19 times as if it will make a difference.

Bitches.

Put your dog to sleep

2008-09-29T15:02:00.006Z

I love people who feel that the best place to have a phone conversation is inside of a restroom. And by love I mean hate.

There are maybe 37 different places I could come up with at the top of my head that are normal locations for a private conversation. Standing next to the sink is not one of em. I don't want to hear about your dog puking all over your couch over the weekend while I'm trying to use the restroom. I shouldn't have to say, "excuse me" in order to get to the hand dryer because you are blocking it.

The men's stall next to my office is pretty loud when you flush. I flushed four times. I hope he took that as a sign.

Get the fuck out of the restroom.

Got a little Captain in You?

2008-09-03T12:59:00.009Z

Most people see the picture below of Bristol Palin and think, "Are there any morals left in today's youth?"

When I see the picture I think, "Damn...Alaskan girls know how to get down!"

Just kidding.

Apparently, Bristol was 16 at the time the picture above was taken. Sixteen-year olds shouldn't be drinking booze. It could lead to an addiction, health risks and impaired judgement such as having unprotected sex with a boyfriend that doesn't want kids.

Oops, that happened. DAMN you, Captain Morgan and your delicious rum!!

People make mistakes and they wont stop anytime soon. I'm not bashing on Bristol. I just wish this stuff would stay out of the media spotlight and have them focus on the real issues at hand.

Quote of the week:
"When [Palin] got a phone call at three in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten into the garbage can" - Bill Maher

I'll end this post with some eye candy for the Sarah Palin fans:

VILF

Bring on the rednecks.

You gotta love this Country

2008-08-26T14:28:00.010Z

The 9-year old kid below is being banned from playing little league baseball because he pitches too fast.

Maybe the people of New Haven should also try to ban this guy for dominating golf?

Hey! While you're at it, ban this guy too:

Clearly he swims way too fast.

All I need is one mic

2008-08-03T15:46:00.012Z

It was a glorious day for hip hop on Saturday.

Below are pics from the Rock the Bells concert. I had a shitty cam so bare with me.

The will call ticket line was about a 3 hour wait. But it was all worth it.

Raekwon and Ghostface

Mos Def

Wale - Very underrated. Give him time, he'll be a household name soon.

Dead Prez

Supernatural - A true freestyler. A lot of rappers nowadays will write 16 bars and spit it during freestyles. Not exactly FREESTYLING, eh? Supernatural knows the art of freestyling. He asked the audience to throw stuff on stage and everything which was thrown was incorporated into the freestyle. His mind is a computer. And don't let me get started with the beat-boxing machine, DJ JS-1. He is amazing.

Immortal Technique - I didn't want him to leave. He talked and rapped with so much energy and passion. I believe if every bubble gum rapper were to be present during his set...they would retire. He walked jumped off of the stage and walked through the crowd after his set. He's the man.

De La Soul - They left me with my jaw on the floor after their performance. They proved that they still got it. Dres from Black Sheep came onstage and shut it down with The Choice is Yours. "Who's the Black Sheep, what's the Black Sheep?" - Everyone went bananas. Then he made everyone get low and sing along: "Engine, Engine, Number Nine, On the New York transit line, If my train goes off the track, Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!" He shut it down.

THE PHARCYDE - Reunited and it feels so good. Just awesomeness. They still have it too.

Method Man & Redman - Needless to say, they brought a massive amount of energy with their performance.

Red and Meth brought out N.O.R.E. as a special guest and he shut it down with "Nothin'" Homeboy! I came to party! PS: Nore has gotten huge (fat)

Godson - Another one of the greats of the night.

Q-Tip's set was after Nas but my cam died. Mos Def came on stage and rocked it with Q. Then A Tribe Called Quest came on stage and everyone lost their damn minds! I didn't get a chance to see B.O.B. or Murs perform, stupid long line. It felt so amazing being around people that lives for lyricism and condemns gimmicks and ignorance. Everyone in the crowd would sing along in unison when rappers performed. I think everyone in the venue rapped the entire Nas - Made you look song from beginning to the end. At times I feel like an outcast when it comes to music in my environment but Saturday I felt at home. I got chills during Immortal Technique and Nas performances. Two of the three greatest lyricist in the game today (Lupe's the missing link). BEST.CONCERT.EVER.

The MAN

2008-08-01T12:40:00.014Z

No photoshop here. This is further proof of how I think Manny Ramirez defines awesomeness.

He's in the midst of being traded away to another team and is he uptight? No. He's just being Manny. I love that the sign says, "Straight up".

Most of the country seems to think this guy is a doucher that only cares about himself. I beg to differ. Any guy that catches a fly ball--high fives a fan--and makes the throw to first base to complete the double play is Godly-awesome in my book.

He seems like he's the only guy on the field having fun. Hell, he seems like the only person having fun in life! I could definitely identify with his nonchalant attitude in life.

Fan - Hey Manny, gas prices are so high dude!

Manny - Word?

Manny doesn't care.

Fan - Hey Manny, I scratched your car door by mistake.

Manny - Hey, no biggie.

I love how he chills in the scoreboard area in Fenway Park...during games. Manny is the only person that could get away with this. I wouldn't doubt a PS3 being back there, a toilet, and a few Coronas. Manny is that cool.

Too bad my Marlins couldn't strike a deal for Manny. I was looking forward to Manny being Manny in Miami (has a ring to it). But instead, Manny will be Manny in...

Green Bay?

You know how you're gay?

2008-07-24T12:24:00.008Z

Doesn’t it feel good when you're at an unfamiliar venue and a song you like plays randomly on the jukebox? Yes, right? Who doesn’t! Maybe the Amish...but they don’t read blogs anyway so it’s all good in the hood. I hope. (If you’re Amish and read my blog - I’M sorry)

I went to a party recently at Diddy’s house and had a few drinks and some awesome Bar-B-Q ribs. One out of those three is a lie. We didn’t have ribs at Diddy’s. OK enough lying, I was at a pub Downtown.

I’m sitting watching Dan Uggla hit a home run on one of the TV screens and suddenly Viva La Vida by Coldplay blast throughout the bar.

First of all, is this the kind of music that is supposed to be playing at bars? When I think of bar music I envision Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N’ Roses or Hypnotize by Notorious BIG. I love it when they call me Big Papa, throw your hands in the-–OK you get the point.

These are the things I expect from bars:
-Vast selection of liquor.
-Pool tables.
-At least one hot chick.
-A Chinese man saying racial slurs as a form of greeting.
-Mathew Mcconaughey chilling outside.

These are the things I don’t expect to be at bars:
-Babies.
-Merry-go-rounds.
-Coldplay music. Also, anything from Seal.

I’m not bashing Coldplay at all. I just think its unusual hearing one of their songs at a bar under normal sober circumstances. You’re hanging out playing some pool and suddenly you hear:

‘Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard’

This does not make me want to break. It makes me want to put my cue stick down and sulk in the corner in the fetal position. Alone. In the dark.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Coldplay. And now everyone at the spot Downtown knows this as well because, you see, I was tipsy and I like to sing while I’m on the sauce. It’s a very liberating experience. I recommend it. Although, don’t blame me if the guy/girl you’re fond of loses interest in you after your performance.

Not sexy.

People suck a lot

2008-07-21T17:38:00.009Z

So this is what my generation has come to?

Self-proclaimed superstars and this ingenuous thirst for fame? Accomplish something first THEN we'll talk about you being that superstar you claim to be.

Maybe if you were indeed actually famous...someone might want to fuck you. But at the moment? No, sorry. You might want to cool it with the 'Fuck Me I'm Famous' debacle.

I love the fact that most people have a blog nowadays. By love I mean loathe. I hate when I reveal I have a blog to someone and have to hear, "Oh god, you blog now too?" Yes. I've been doing so before you thought it was cool too, got it?

Generation Y stinks.

If you need me I'll be at the back of the room in the party pooper section being grumpy.

Bridges are cool

2008-07-18T19:46:00.007Z

My friend told me to dedicate a post to her.

"Is she your girlfriend?" No.

"If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" Sure, why not? Sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm bored at work and she caught me in a good mood, ok?

Her name is Jessica. I met Jess a while back on MySpace. I've met way too many people on MySpace. But isn’t that the point of MySpace? Social Networking? I wonder who holds the record for meeting the most people from MySpace? I currently stand at 8 people.

I wonder who holds the record for the most time a person deleted their MySpace account? I deleted mine once. I shouldn’t have but I was trying to show my loyalty to my then girlfriend and blah, blah. It feels as if I was the star of a sitcom where everyone found the main character's poor life decisions as comedic gold.

Me - I'll prove to you it's all about you, FUCK MYSPACE, I’ll delete it right now! THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY!
[Deletes profile]
[A roar of laughter comes from the crowd]

Ah, those were the days.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jess. She is my number one fan. But why you ask? Because I’m an awesome artist. I could sketch an identical replica of a persons face with blood on concrete. That was a lie. But I am trying to make this graphic design thing work. She supports me as an artist and needless to say I’m very grateful. For at least one person to genuinely commend me for my work = priceless.

So this post is for you Jessica! You owe me $22.50, cash only.

Who's your daddy?

2008-07-18T03:14:00.010Z

You know what’s fucking weird? Sit back and listen (read).

Let me take you back to a strange day in the life of a young Mr. Cruz. I was about 11 or 12 years old and on summer break. I went over to my neighbor’s house to hang out for a bit. I walk into my friend’s room and he’s watching a porno with another friend of mine. I see boobies and I’m like...COOL. You just kind of stare at that age. You don’t know what’s going on…but you like it. You don’t know why you like it…but you just do. It’s like men are pre-programmed to like porn.

As we continued watching, I kept wondering to myself why was a lady sleeping next to the couple which were having sex? The dude was showing the blonde his O-face while another lady next to them was sound asleep. Then something disturbing happened. The female begins to moan and the guy says, "Shhh...you'll wake your mother, honey" - Strike one. Then the blonde replies, "Ok daddy" - Strike 2. Then the blonde says, "You're the best, dad" -STRIKE 3!

They were watching incest porn! YES, INCEST. It was a VHS tape of some type of family role-playing kind of gig? It’s fucking disturbing when I think back about it. Why the fuck didn’t any one of us say anything while watching it? We just watched it like it’s all good. Like if this shit is normal. Like if we were sitting around watching Cool World and drinking kool-aid. But there were no Kool-aid, only hardcore incest filth.

Guy – Hey dude, whats up?
Guy 2 – Not much. Just drinking a beer, watching some girl go down on her brother.
Guy – Aww man, sweet! What channel!?

Where did they get the tape from? How do a couple of kids grab their hands on an incest flick? Did one of my friends have parents who were into this crap? So many disturbing questions are popping into my head.

I wished I would've asked these questions but I never spoke to my friends about that day ever again. I pretended as if it never happened. Hell I’ve never even told anyone about this until now. It needed to be let out. The truth will set you free! Not really. It just reminds me of some creepy twelve-year-olds.

ASL?

2008-07-17T04:18:00.011Z

I got my first computer when I was 13. Like everyone else at the time, we had dial up internet. I had AOL. It took about a minute and a half to get online and have everything fully loaded. I used to get so pissed off whenever an incoming call would screw up my connection and kick me offline.

[Get’s kicked offline]
Me – MOM! Tell grandma you’ll call her back in an hour!

Thank goodness for high-speed internet.

My cousin from Orlando came to visit one day and introduced me to the AOL chat rooms and I quickly became addicted. I never did it with the intentions of meeting anyone. I would just chat at times when I was stuck at home. I used to lie through my teeth in chat rooms. I was a 13 year old kid with red hair...not interesting. Instead I told everyone I was a 17 year old break dancing DJ that lived with his older brother. I also had my own car. I was cool and pathetic at the same time.

My AOL screen name was MYSTIKAL2000GANJA. What.THE.Fuck. How did I come up with that name? And why? The younger version of me scares the ba-Jesus out of me. It’s sad that I thought that was cool. I never even tried ganja at that point of my life. Why was it in my name? Why Mystikal? For those that don’t know/remember, he's this guy:

He disappeared from the limelight due to his incarceration for raping an old lady. Class act. Why did I choose Mystikal? Fuck if I know. He has never been my favorite rapper so that is out the question. Once again with the reoccurring theme on my blog: I am retarded.

I chatted with so many weirdoes in the online world. I had a who’s who of pathological liars on my buddylist. I didn’t know who were real and fake. I remember befriending this one girl in particular, Aleksandra. She lived in Utah. I met her when I was 13 (17 online) and she was 12 (15 online). She sent me fake pics, I sent her fake pics and we both ate up each other lies. Fast forward to a boring night in 2005 and I decided to see if she still had the same screen name on AOL (it’s a catchy name, hard to forget) and she did! I sent her a message and this is pretty much how it went:

Me – Hey Aleks, it’s me Alex (oh yeah, I told her my name was Alex)
Aleks – Alex?
Me – Yeah, the DJ from Miami with the big yellow bus (don’t ask)...
Aleks – WTF ALEX?!?!

Then I went on to confess my lies. Then we exchanged MySpace’s and it turns out that she isn’t such a bad looking chick, she’s very cute. I remember not talking to her for a bit because I was in a relationship and didn’t log into MySpace much. Then she deleted me. I think it was one of those deals when a person puts up a bulletin stating: “I’M DELETING PEOPLE. IF YOU DON’T SEND ME A MESSAGE, I WILL DELETE YOU.” I read the message one night and didn’t think she’d delete me if I didn’t send her a message but she ended up deleting me.

It would have been cool to meet her in person. Reminisce about the hilarity of our online life, catch up on the present, and make out for a few hours. I’m sure she’d be down for two out of 3.

I'm a moron

2008-07-10T15:48:00.005Z

[I dropped off my friend at his house]
[I searched all over my car for my cell phone and couldn't find it]
[I call my friend]

Me - Hey...I can't find my phone, dude.
Friend - Are you serious?
Me - Yeah
[Slight pause]
Friend - Hey, dumbass?
Me - Huh?
Friend - How do you think you're talking to me right now?

This. really. happened.

I'm retarded.

Mic check 1,2,1,2

2008-07-09T05:16:00.009Z

My high school sucked big time.

The people I met during my 9th grade year were ok but they seemed like the last of the dying breed of interesting people because the next three years were painful.

I graduated back in 2004 and don't have any plans on going to any type of 'reunions' or whatnot. I got my diploma, took pics, and said PEACE BITCHES!

I know what some of you are thinking, "He was the geek that no one talked to!" Nah, not a geek. I wish I was. Maybe then I would've gotten into a better college. I just didn't connect with most of the people I went to school with. I had my group of friends but pretty much felt annoyed by most of the others.

A lot of them were into weird dancing. Swinging their arms back and forth and shit. Playing pretend baseball and making sandwiches or something? Big grown ass dudes tiptoeing around like MC Hammer's back up dancers. See the vid below for what the hell i'm talking about:

The song that plays around a minute into the vid that goes, "WHERE HE AT, WHERE HE AT? NOW THERE HE GO!" is the peanut butter jelly song. HATE. Hate is a very strong word. I hated this crap.

[Big kid starts dancing in the hall]
Me - The fuck is he doing?
Bystander - Peanut butter jelly dance!
Me - THE HELL?
Bystander - YEAH NIGGAA!!!
Me - Does he use deodorant?

THEN i'm the outsider for not liking that shit! You see my pain? I had to see this shit everyday, EVERY fucking day.

Morning time = PB&J dance.
Lunch time = PB&J dance.
Go to the restroom to do #1 = PB&J dance.
After school = GO HOME!! Stop dancing!!

Whatever.

An old friend I went to school with recently sent me a friend request on myspace and I noticed some people I used to know on his page. It turns out that 98.4% of the people I knew in high school are now rappers. Go figure.

Everyone is a rapper nowadays. Hell my mother raps, her MC name is Mama T (Teresa). What's the worst part of all this? THEY SUCK. They all suck. I'm not a hater, I give props when it's due. But these guys all talk about the same redundant shit. Their songs are bullshit and lack substance. The most recent one I heard was something that went like, "WHAT THEY DO!?" or something like that. I don't know what they do...you tell me.

Another one started off with, "As I walk in the club"...really!? This line, again? How many times do I have to hear about somebody walking in the club? If you're gonna start off like that - make it interesting at least!

"As I walk in the club, midget titties were shaking"...

Jackasses. Go get a job, read a book, and put the mic down.

I'll take annoying people for $200, Alex

2008-07-04T14:47:00.011Z

This has not been a good week...people wise.

1. The economy is getting worse and worse (we all know that by now). We were told to find ways we could save money at work by our union reps. Each of us were given a sheet with a bunch of empty spaces to share our ideas. I filled the entire page. And you know what the sad part is? They'll just brush it to the side and won’t even consider my proposals because nothing ever gets done the right way at my job. Everything is backwards. Fuck my job.

2. I could create a separate blog dedicated to the ridiculousness that is my work life. A vendor requested an RFQ (request for qualifications) for a certain city project the other day. This is how the conversation over the phone went:

Guy (broken English) - Hallo? Jes, is this the place where I get de RFQ?
Me - For which project, sir?
Guy - oz-moses---
Me - ...Reverse osmosis, sir?
Guy - jes, jes!
Me - I could email it to you if you provide me with an email address.
Guy - Email? uh... (Apparently I asked him to spell monofluorophosphate over the phone because he seemed baffled)
Me - Or I could fax it to you if you’d like?
Guy - Could I pick it up?
Me - yes, sir.

Its 2008, who doesn’t have an email address? My little cousins in elementary school have email addresses. This situation bothers me more because this guy has his own company. How do you expect to expand? I hate my position. I hate the people I have to deal with.

3. I had no idea I knew so many naive people. Most of my friends are over the age of 21 but lately I feel like I hang out with a bunch of 13 year olds. You’re killing me, Smalls. Grow up.

4. Rush Limbaugh inked a $400 million dollar contract. What THE fuck? What is the world coming to?

5. I was channel surfing and noticed Carlos Mencia is back? They gave him another season? HE IS NOT FUNNY!

6. Kids on my block were lighting up fireworks this past Monday (the 30th) and Tuesday (the 1st)...at 4 in the fucking morning. I remember being a kid; I remember lighting fireworks in the street, good times. But not at 4am on a fucking Monday. It got to a point where I went outside with my bat but they were pretty far down the road. I could hear their shitty fireworks as if it was right on my lawn but they were about a block down. Save it for the 4th, bitches!! I need to sleep!

I'm just grumpy at the moment, don't mind me.

Oh yeah, Happy Independence day!

subterBOYdatBLOGShuh

2008-06-29T02:42:00.007Z

I hate AIM.

I haven't used AIM in years. I decided to download it because a few of my friends have it and are always telling me to get it.

I caved in.

I downloaded the application and all I have to do now is choose a screen name. Simple, right? Wrong. I've been trying for the past 20 minutes. Every fucking possible screen name is taken.

I first started off with 'funny' ones like:

LeCoqGrande
itsOnLikeDK (Donkey Kong)
noMORElockDoors
didYOUsayBERRIES
uBOYSlikeMEXICO

No luck, all of those names are taken. Then I tried going with something simple using my name:

Radames1(I used numbers 1 through 9)
Radamess
Radamiss
RahDUHmes
RahDUHmez
RahDUHmis
RahDUHmiz
RAWduhMEZ
RAWduhMIZ
RAWduhMES

Again, no luck. At this point I'm screaming out F-bombs at my monitor. Now I begin to come up with ridiculous names:

RuNOTentertained
iLIKEbananaBOATS
grandeMEETSpongo
elPOLLOgrande
GRANDEesMIpollo
BUSTitPOLLO

Are you kidding me? Someone out there has a name, 'BUSTitPOLLO'? What the hell? What the fuck kind of name I'm going to end up with, rafop38975078909?

Fuck AIM. I'm going to try one more time and I'm done.

R.I.P. Tim Russert

2008-06-16T13:20:00.005Z

A huge lost to not only his family and friends but to politics as well. He will never be forgotten. His legacy will continue forever.

Myspizzle

2008-05-28T20:20:00.008Z

I've been procrastinating all afternoon. Where does procrastination lead to? Myspace. I went into my inbox and took a trip down memory lane and went back to message #1 on myspace which dates back a few years. I came across a few messages I wanted to share:

(click to enlarge the pics)
Another Radames sighting. At least this guy wasn't gay...I think?

I get hit on by younger girls a lot...why? Weird ones too.

This chick had potential at the time. Everything went smooth until we hung out. Boring ass chick. Now I know that every time she agreed with me online was bullshit. Had no opinion on...nothing basically.

I'm the white Lloyd Banks apparently.

I have no fucking clue what this message was about...till this day. I messaged this guy back and he never replied. It's kind of hilarious though

'The guitar guy at church' -has to be one of the greatest all time self-descriptions.

3 bears

2008-05-27T12:31:00.008Z

I went over to the beach Friday for the 3 bears dunny release. Well more like 2 bears? I was told only two of the three artist were showing up (damn it).

My partner in crime

I think I'd be a pretty good mannequin

The line wasn't so bad

I got interviewed by this guy

Why was my mouth open? Good question.

This guy's bumper was destroyed in the parking garage

He's going to want to stab someone.

Awesome weather for standing in line for an hour or two. No sun whatsoever.

The goodies

High fives for everyone

TADO // ILOVEDUST

Until next time kiddies, peace out. How come no one ever says peace in?

Epic

2008-05-21T18:20:00.005Z

I like pranks. Who doesn't? Well apparently my co-worker does not.

It use to be just the 3 of us (we could make it if we try) when our office was located on the 3rd floor. The three of us consist of myself, another male and a female. We'll call them Saunder and Becky.

I suggest pulling a prank on Becky to Saunder (he loved the idea) some time ago while she's gone on vacation. I wanted to put sticky notes all over her desk...you know...stupid small stuff. But the small stuff lead to this:

We did the following:

- Hid her plants, vanity mirror (Saunder's idea), and desk figurines
- Disassemble her chair (Saunder's idea)
- Outlined her work area with caution tape
- Disconnected her mouse and keyboard(Saund
- We left a note on her chair but I don't remember what it said
- Connected a bunch of paper clips to create a hanging loop and taped them alongside the bottom of her desk

Two things of note:

1. Pay attention to the pictures (click to enlarge). She hated her name plate. She always kept it inside one of her desk drawers. We took out the name plate and taped it to her desk.

2. She has a dog named Toby who is like a son to her. She loves him dearly. We hung her stuffed toy dog from the ceiling over her desk. I must admit...that was kind of cruel. Could you imagine if we would have left the sticky note that said R.I.P attached to the toy? That wouldve earned us a kick in the groin or two.

What did she do when she came back from vacation? She cried. I'm glad I came in late. I didn't see her wrath, I didn't experience it. This is what happened when I came in:

Boss - I'm disappointed in you guys.
Me - What happened?
Boss - You made her cry; she's pissed.
Me - ...Umm...Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss - No..

We put everything back. She was pretty upset but eventually she got over it.

I rule with Pikachu

2008-05-20T13:24:00.006Z

I enjoy the simple things in life. I spent about 4 hours last night playing this with a bunch of grown men:

This is what we do. We don’t tote guns and rob liquor stores. We play sports and hang out. We don't look for trouble and cite riots. We play Smash Brothers and Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, yes, N64. I guess we could all purchase Wii's or PS3's but the integrity isnt the same. We all get that nostalgic feeling whenever we're not playing the N64.

I took some time off from work and came back this morning to this:

It might not look like much to the average person but coming from a guy that dealt with this for the past two years:

It’s awesome.

I've had a 1972 phone ever since I started working for my employer while everyone else had ATLEAST a phone that had a hold fucntion. I work for the government, not google. I don't get cool toys like this:

I thought it was some sort of 'hazing the new guy' phase I had to go through but apparently not. I had maybe the worst phone in Miami. And now? Now I have a hold button...and we are pleased. Now I have caller ID and voicemail, we are very amused. It took me about 10 minutes to set my voicemail because I had to remember that it's not a toy.

The little things people, they matter. They matter to me atleast.

I'd like to be that straw

2008-05-15T17:45:00.006Z

There is no significance to this post. I just wanted to share with everyone how hot Mila Kunis is (just in case anyone was unaware). Did you know Mila has two different eye colors? That's fucking weird...but I like it.

The stuff beautiful women can get away with. It's Amazing. Could you imagine some not so attractive woman with two different eye colors?

Guy 1 - Dude, did you see the new fat chick in logistics? She has two frickin eye colors.
Guy 2 - What is she a mutant?

[Mila Kunis walks in]

Guy 1 - Dude, Mila has two different eye colors!
Guy 2 - That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Guy 1 - I want her to have my children.

Mila is hot. I'm sorry Adriana, I'm just looking. I still love you, baby.

Morning after

2008-05-15T12:15:00.014Z

I. Am. Very. Sleepy.

Yesterday was my birthday, whoop whoop. I spent the day thinking something will go wrong. Why? Something always goes wrong on my birthday for the past few years. Guess what? Nothing went wrong. Yesterday was epic.

My coworkers took me out to my favorite Colombian restaurant. We had some great cocaine. Ok we didn’t. But we did have some great grub.

Yummy. If anyone knows a single Colombian woman who can cook, send her my way.

Then my friend gave me cupcakes with a Ninja Turtle inside. Why? Because Donatello was the brains of the operation. That's why.

Then my coworkers got a cake for me with some ice cream. Ice cream. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Crazy people, that’s who. It was chocolate and vanilla for the record.

Then I went out with some of my friends here:

I wish I could've invited more people but it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I didn't want people driving all over the place during the wee hours of the night on a Wednesday. But that's when all the magic happens, Wednesdays. Make a note of that.

Thanks to all those that gave me birthday shouts, I appreciate it.

PS: Credit to Sasha for the pic of mini-Cruz

Go shawty...

2008-05-14T12:35:00.002Z

I was thinking about a thousand and one things last night. I was cleaning out some stuff and came across a movie stub I kept from the first date I went on with my ex. That got me thinking about my first date with another ex.

I picked up my ex-ex (we’ll call her Sheeba) in a limousine. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. Ok maybe it’s a little funny. I have no idea what possessed me to do that. It baffles me to this day. Sheeba would always tell me that the limo concept was not corny that she loved it. Even after we broke up she stuck with her story.

I met Sheeba on myspace. Ok now you may laugh. We talked for a pretty long time until one day I thought why don’t we umm actually meet? She agreed and the limo was reserved. So cheesy, my goodness.

I decided to drive over to South Beach and park my car in a garage near by the restaurant. The garage was about 7 blocks away from the restaurant and I had a bouquet of flowers with me. I had to hear whistles and ‘awws’ and light giggling for those 7 blocks from people on the strip. I get to the restaurant and notice the driver is late. I then reenacted a scene from True Life: I’m getting Married when that Jersey guy threatens the limo driver, “I’M GONNA GUT YOU LIKE A FISH IF YOU DON’T GET HERE IN 5 MINUTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!” Ok that didn’t happen. But he was a few minutes late.

Finally we arrive at her house and this happens:

Me – I’m outside
Sheeba – I don’t see your car. What the fuck is a limo doing outside my house?
[the driver opens my door]
[Burst of laugher from sheeba]

Then Sheeba’s mom pokes her head out of the front door with a huge smile. What a cheesy idea. We went back to the restaurant for some damn good grub, walked around the beach, went to Coconut Grove, went to Key Biscayne, and topped it off at a BP gas station. Sexy.

PS: It's a celebration!

I heart May

2008-05-06T19:56:00.002Z

See ya there.

Stay tuned for pics.

Superman that hoe

2008-05-05T20:48:00.003Z

Apparently I've been called upon to put an end to domestic violence. Below is a pic of myself. Give me a superhero name and my special powers.

Creativity gets you 2 points.

Lack of creativity gets you a virus.

Just kidding.

Ay Caramba!

2008-05-05T12:44:00.011Z

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Sound the horns! Cinco de Mayo marks the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla long, long ago.

Why am I so happy? Beats me. I just love celebrations. I love any excuse to drink. Ignore that last sentence.

I'm not a Mexican, I'm a Mexicant. Ok I'm neither but I will do my part today by eating a burrito or two. I'm not promising anything but I will try to take pics with a donkey. I won't pin his tail but I might speak to him/her with a Mike Myers accent.

This weekend was filled with excess blood, staples, sports, lemon juice and ponderings. I might just be the only person on this side of the Mason Dixon line that is glad that the weekend is over.

I have a date tonight with Tequila.

Not this Tequila...

...yes, this Tequila.

Drink Responsibly ; )

Sherman Hemsley

2008-05-01T17:37:00.004Z

Scenario: you’re just coming back from your lunch break at work. You sit down at your desk and then it hits you. That’s right folks, it’s #2 time. Everyone does it at one point or another at work. Don’t act like you haven’t.

So I ru- walk over to the restroom chanting in my head, “Please be empty, please be empty”. I open the door and YES! EMPTY!

I give myself a mental high five and did the George Jefferson all the way over to the handicap stall. Why the handicap stall? Because it has its own separate sink, it's own seperate mirror, and there’s a bunch of free space that allows me to pace back and forth if I felt like it.

So I’ve set up the toilet seat with 1,000 pounds of toilet tissue when suddenly some guy walks in. FUCK. I yelled out FUCK (inside my head) and punched the wall (also inside my head). Then I couldn’t go for some reason. I guess I got stage fright?

Note to ladies: it only happens during #2 ; )

Back to the fucktoid. I could hear every single fucking step he took with his loud shoes. He took about 5 steps and then I heard nothing. There was a 3-6 second pause. Then he started using the sink area that’s located in the front of the restroom. He uses it for about a minute and a half. That is way too long! It doesn't take a minute and a half to wash your hands. Then he goes over to dry his hands. This fucker doesn’t use paper towels, oh no-no-no. He’s environly-friendly, he uses the fucking hand dryer.

I don’t know about you but I don’t like this. If someone is doing #2 – get out of the restroom as soon as possible. GET OUT. This is not a time to linger around. You’re bored? Go to the fucking lounge and look at an issue of US Weekly.

Fucktoid finished drying his hands a minute later and apparently he now has to use the restroom. What the fuck. You just washed and dried your hands. What the fuck. I repeat, WHAT THE FUCK.

So I hear him unzip, piss, the pissing stops and he jumps up and down, he zips up, and pauses for a good 10 seconds. At this point I’m ready to give this guy a swirly.
He then goes and washed his hands for the second time. That’s way too many times for one trip. He goes to dry his hands and FINALLY he fucking leaves.

I don’t know who you are, mystery asshole man. But I got a positive I.D. on your shoes and I will go for a little walk around the building with a notepad taking notes. Im going to find you. And when I do…you’re going to get a fucking swirly.

Farewell

2008-05-01T12:11:00.003Z

This will be the last post on Subterfuge. Yes, you did read that last sentence correctly.

I don’t have the time or the effort to continue posting my life away on a web site that very few people even know exist.

I let everything out on this blog. Everything I post is true. Yet no one in my close circle of friends even know that I blog (with the exception of a few / maybe a hand full). Some of my friends don't even know what a blog is. Some of them probably would be shocked at the notion of me reading let alone blogging.

Friend – What’s that in your hand?
Me – A book.
Friend – Like…to read?
Me – No, it keeps my hands warm.

Dick.

I want to thank those who stopped by every now and then and left a nice feedback or two. I’d also like to thank the ones that left feedback on certain post that made me wonder why the fuck they tried in the first place. Dramatization:

[Post topic is about dead babies]

[Person leaves a comment: your blog is awesome! ;p

Get out. Get out and don’t come back. Don't worry about closing the door, just leave. If you don’t have anything to say about the post…don’t comment? If your comment has no relevancy whatsoever then just click away. You aren’t obligated to comment…so…don’t? Ok? Got it? Great. Cool.

So today will be the last day at Subterfuge. I will delete the site and go on my separate way.

PS: Everything I said above is a lie. Sorry, I was bored...Happy Thursday!

Bullshit of all bullshit

2008-04-28T18:33:00.008Z

I went out to Bed Bath and Beyond during my lunch break. Men shop there, ok?

So I'm at the check out line and I see a box of gummy bears. I wanted it. But it was $1.49 (PLUS TAX) for the box. I could get (2) bigger bags in the hood for a buck. A BUCK. ONE DOLLAR. But I ended up coughing up two bucks for it.

Look how big the box is:

It takes up more than half of my keyboard. I'm thinking sweeeet, more candy for me! And do you see the triangle to the bottom left? Fat free, bitches! Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!

But!

I open the fucking box and this comes out:

A little fucking bag that is no bigger than my stapler. I gave up (2) bucks for this. And look closely...where the fuck are the rest of the reds? Why is there 9,000 oranges? I don't like orange, ok? Cut the shit and hook me up with more reds than any other color. Why don't they make bags that are filled with red and green gummy bears? Only red and green. That's the kind of world I want to live in.

The person/machine that filled this bag is an asshole. If you're reading this blog somehow...FUCK YOU.

Waiting for May

2008-04-28T12:14:00.004Z

This month is taking forever, yet, the year has been flying by. We're almost half way through. I said almost, ok? I feel like it was yesterday that I knocked back half a bottle of Hennessy on New Year's Eve.

Weekend recap:

Went out with one of these and saw this. I can't wait for this to come out.

Watched this with a few of these.

Ate this [it wasn't all that]

Saw a lot of this

And got drooled on a lot. By who?

Max says hi [the bulldog].

They say that a hero can save us

2008-04-25T12:33:00.008Z

Something happened to me yesterday that is making me question to myself: was I put on earth to stop domestic violence?

Let me fill you in with what happened. I’m pumping gas ($3.68/gallon) and hating life when I see a woman walking into the gas station lot. Moments later a man in a Kia Sportage pulls up next to her and the following happens:

Man in Kia – GET IN THE FUCKING CAR, NOW!
Lady – But…im...
Man in Kia – NOW! [then he begins to yell under his voice some type of gibberish, I couldn’t make it out]

The look in his eyes and his tone of voice made me uncomfortable. That was yesterday. Now let’s journey back to 2004.

A close friend of mine used to work at a restaurant at South Beach. I used to pick him up almost every Friday night (3am).

I know what you're thinking and YES, I am an awesome friend. Either that or I didn't have a life. Whatever. I’d pick him up and we would hang out around the beach afterwards. Those were the days. Any who, so one night I’m on the way to the restaurant and I believe it was WMC weekend because traffic was unbearable. There’s always traffic on the beach but when an event pops up…it gets nasty.

So I’m stopped behind a cab and I see a sexy early to mid-thirties lady crying. She walks over to the passenger side of a very nice Mercedes benz. She opens the door, gets inside and tries to shut it. Out of the crowd comes her boyfriend (or husband) and he grabs the door before she shuts it and smacks her in the face. I’m not talking about the type that football coaches do. No, I’m talking about this kind.

My jaw dropped. I don't think I’ve ever seen a guy smack a lady like that. I have seen worst though. My cousin (18 years old at the time) was hit in the head by his girlfriend (16 at the time) with a frozen bottle of water. He received stitches. How did he retaliate? He hit her with his car. They were arguing outside, he got into the car, she got out in front, she wouldn’t move so he stepped on the gas and hit her. True mother fucking story. I have family witnesses that can back me up.

I also have another cousin who use to get beat up by his girlfriend but that is another side of domestic violence.

So, yesterday brought up a question in my mind: I'm I suppose to mingle in other peoples business and fight domestic violence? Am I some sort domestic violence superhero? If so, what are my powers? What is my superhero name?

Real World: Hollywood

2008-04-24T12:46:00.004Z

Humans are fascinating creatures. The stuff that comes out of peoples mouths are down right hilarious sometimes. I meant that last sentence sarcastically. That's the problem with reading my blog. You can’t see the look on my face every time I get cynical.

I have to share what I saw last night. I saw this touching movie on the lifetime channel. It was about a young teen who becomes pregnant during her freshman year at high school. Ok that was a lie. It must’ve been a typo, a typo, a typo. Ok what I really watched was True Life: I'm an alcoholic. Again. But what made me laugh was a commercial for The Real World: Hollywood.

The one where Kimberly says to Brianna, "Ok let's not get ghetto."I actually LOL'd. My dog (mans best friend) looked at me as if I were yodeling or something.

That commercial sucked me in so I ended up watching the show from the beginning. Here is what I think about the cast so far:

Brianna - Initial reaction: is she black? Come on I know I’m not the only one with that question! Hmm she's a stripper, eh? What kind of strip club does she work for? She looks like a stripper that works Monday through Wednesday. She's not getting any of my Washington’s.

Joey - Dude is scary huge. Which is more frightening: his hair or his muscles? Is there a reason for being that big besides tossing pianos around? He's too sensitive. "I've gotten my ass kicked since I was 2 years old" boo hoo. Geez go cry about it. Now I see why you're so big, cry baby.

Will - Seems like an ok dude, kind of corny but then again who knows what type of person he is when the camera is off. I don’t know which is worst: someone that says dude every five seconds or someone who says 'that’s wassup' every five seconds? Cut it out, Will.

Dave - Seems like a good wingman. Yes, men are that desperate. Fuck what your girl roommates think. Go after boobers, let her in the house! He's ok. Try to keep your penis in your pants though.

Kimberly - Super racist, cute, but super racist.

I like Greg...so far. Why? Because he keeps it real damn it. He doesn’t put on a show in front of strangers let alone a national audience. He likes messing with people. He reminds me of myself. I agree with him, there are no hot women in the house. There are some cute females but nothing serious. I love how the camera shows all the shots Greg missed on the basketball court. Symbolism on MTV? No!?

Sarah - Seems to suffer from little Ms. Princess Syndrome. She has to be one of the most annoying people in the house. She cheated on her boyfriend after the 1st day. Technically...doesn’t her boyfriend have to go hunt down Will now? For those has not seen this episode yet: Sarah's geeky boyfriend takes off his prescription glasses and says, "If any guy out there messes with my girl, i'll hunt you down and kick your ass"

In that case:
Will - 1
Sarah Bf - 0

I could be wrong though. Don’t judge a book by its cover, kiddies. Her bf looks like a charter member of Oprah's book club but ultimate fighting could be one of his hobbies for all we know. You can't blame Will though! It's all Sarah's punk ass fault, whore. Classic problem with the 18-21 year old female demographic.

Episode 2 recap:

-It's one thing to be goofy on your birthday and it’s another thing to invite random guys to your house when you have a boyfriend, Sarah. Dumb ass. She might have caught herpes if it wasn’t for Joey scaring the guy off.

-Did anyone notice how much smaller the guy that Joey arm wrestled was? He beat Joey what...3 times? Joe's a head case. Run away when he drinks, run!

-Inner-city-blacksville? Wowzers. Kim has to be the most racist cast member ever. Jesse Jackson would be yelling at the screen if he watched this episode.

Notice how long commercials last? Not long at all. I'm shocked!

I guess I’ll continue watching. I haven’t watched The Real World since the Las Vegas season. You know what I want to see for once? A chick that isn’t so easy. Come on MTV, Surprise me! But then again prude chick’s doesn’t equal to high ratings. Damn it. Stay tuned next week for when I bash Tila Tequila.

You the king of forest?

2008-04-22T12:08:00.005Z

Remember this?

Apparently this happens in real life...kind of.

So i'm at a lounge last night chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool. I'm drinking like a fish. Wait a second. Do fish drink water? Someone please google it and let me know, thanks.

Where was I? Oh yea I was drinking like Carmelo Anthony. I needed to pay the water bill so I ran (power walked) to the rest room. There are 9 urinals in the men's room and 4 enclosed toilets. Counting from left to right, I went to urinal #2. I unzip and...ahhh. Priceless. Is there a better feeling than that release?

Any who so I'm letting it out and some guy walks in coughing and hawks up a loogie and spits it into the trash. Then guess where he goes to take a piss? Urinal number fucking 3. I kept cool and put a nasty frown on my face. The kind when:

-you're stuck behind someone at a toll booth who doesn't have a quarter and you have to wait for the toll lady to take down all their information.

-a cop pulls you over for being a minority in a bad neighborhood.

- back in 1994 you'd go to blockbuster to check out a new movie release that just came out...and it was fucking rented out. How bad did you hate that?

Me - Dude! Blockbuster has Angels in the Outfield!
Friend - Sweeeeeeeet! Let's go!
Me [notices that they're out] - Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Let's burn this motherfucker down!

So I basically hugged the urinal until I finished urinating. As I walked over to wash my hands the guy says, "Hey-you know what time it is?" Fuck you, men don't speak to each in restrooms, ok? Wait until we're both outside and then you ask for the time. Ask me whatever you want outside, ask for the weather, who is the Dalai Lama, I don't know...a fucking algebraic equation. Just don't ask me inside the restroom unless we're both waiting to wash/dry our hands. be kind to the environment, dry your hands ; )

Happy Earth Day. Now go hug a tree.

No goose if you don't get loose

2008-04-21T14:01:00.003Z

I just had the most amazing weekend ever. It was filled with drugs, sex, midgets, and money. Ok two of the four are lies. The opening line is a lie too, my weekend sucked. I became an alcoholic, had an intervention, and conquered alcoholism all in a 3 day span!

It began Friday night. I finished some business I had to take care of and needed a drink. We were out of Sunny Delight so I chose the next best thing: Goose.A sip led to a gulp and that led to me making it rain on myself, yes, myself.

I went to a little event on Saturday morning and guess what I had for breakfast? Eggo Waffles. You thought I was going to say Grey Goose, didn’t you? Come on now. I’m not that much of a drunk. I had it for lunch.

My mother asked to borrow some money so I told her to go ahead and get it from my secret stash in my room. Disclaimer: for those bloggers who has been to my home: I have no secret stash, don’t bother looking. I’ll stab you if you do.

So she goes into my room and finds an empty bottle of Goose. Great.

I get home later that Saturday to a living room filled with Christians. My mother actually set up a prayer session for me. She said quote, “I know you’re fighting with a lot of demons and we want you to know that we love you”. Very touchy moment. But demons? I mean I like Angel just as much as the next guy but those are the only demons in my life. Well they use to be in my life. I’m pretty sure the show was canceled years ago. I'm also pretty sure that I was the only guy to like that show.

Any who, they gathered around me in a circle and began to pray. This one guy touched my shoulder and began yelling and I’m thinking goodness gracious...are they performing an exorcism on me? They all had their eyes shut and I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid in my life. But the praying and chanting stopped and I went to take a shower (good shower might I add).

I went to sleep and dreamt that I gave myself a mohawk. I don’t know what that symbolizes but I woke up and lost the need for alcohol.

This post has a bunch of exaggeration so believe with caution. I also embellished a tad.

Happy Monday, biatches.

Go fuck yourself, Tom

2008-04-18T17:49:00.006Z

Myspace. Home of the strange, adored by deviants.

I usually get a message or two a day from strange people. I got a message from a guy maybe a year ago that went something like this:

"Dude! Your name is Radames!? That's my name too! How weird! You live in Miami? We should totally hang out! You know what our name means?" ---No, we shouldnt hang out. I wish I had saved that message.

Myspace is for trick ass marks, a mark ass trick, skeezers, scally wags, scally wops and hooli hoo's. I don't know what that means either. Word to Chappelle.

Wouldnt it be nice to receive a message from a nice wholesome young lady with moral values and a cute smile? That'd be sweet. But guess what? It's not going to happen, home slice. Instead you'll receive messages like this:

[Click the pic to enlarge]

Only if you're cute, of course. [Gave myself a high five]

Not everyone on myspace are deviants. Some people still use it as means of communicating with family/friends. That's cool. Cool. Cool, cool. We're on the same boat. Don't rock it, I get sea sick.

Wake up, bitches

2008-04-18T10:45:00.002Z

I’m a morning person. The rest of the world is not apparently. You have to wake up at 6am to get to work? Aww! Poor baby! Somebody cut this guy some slack! Cutting slack. This term has always fascinated me. This is what goes on in my head when I hear, “Cut him/her some slack”...

[I walk into an elementary school-like cafeteria]

Cafeteria lady – Good day, Mr. Cruz!
Me – Hello, Pam!
Cafeteria lady – Look at you, looking all handsome and what not!
Me [blushing] – oh stop it!
Me – What’s on the menu today?
Cafeteria lady – some lovely slack
Me – can you cut me some?
Cafeteria lady - I don’t know….can I?

[Both laugh hysterically]

Ok enough of that. So I’m driving along listening to my music (ATB – Ecstasy) and stop at a red light. It wasn’t full blast but you could definitely hear it if you weren’t listening to music. A guy next to me looks at me as if saying, “It’s too early for that shit, TURN IT OFF!” But you know what bud? Too fucking bad! It’s not too early for me! I’ll blast Elton John at whatever fucking time I want! Or maybe the look the guy gave me was more of a, “Dude…the fuck are you listening to?”.

Green light, time to boogie. I made a pit stop at a 7/11 and everyone in the store hates life except for me. I held the door open for a lady (being all gentlemen like) and she didn’t even say thank you. I don’t even think she knew what today’s date is. I gave her a mental fuck you and went to over to get a red bull. That was a lie. I hate red bull. I went over to the beverage section and got myself a 40 oz. Schlitz Malt Liquor. That was a lie too. I got an orange juice, ok? Dangerous, eh? That’s all me, baby. Fuego.

I boogie (word of the day) over to pay for my OJ and the guy behind the counter looks like a zombie. Something like this:

But minus the blood and he was black, not white. And he didn’t have a suit on. And…ok you get the picture. I hope.

I’m in my own perky world this morning…alone. Does anyone care to join me?

Use it in a sentence?

2008-04-17T18:59:00.006Z

Ever had one of those days where you forget how to spell certain words? I work with a data entry program at work and it doesn’t have a spell check button. I'm feeling a little dyslexic today. Don’t make fun of me. Don't make fun of slow children!!

What have I misspelled today?

Canllation – this is suppose to be cancellation. I looked at it for about 20 seconds and thought what is wrong with it? It took me 20 seconds to find out. 20 SECONDS. I might be retarded.

Modificatio – this is supposed to be modification.

Recieved – I actually spelled received that way,,,and thought nothing was wrong for about an hour.

Facillity – Facility doesn’t have two L’s! Smh.

I need a break, vacation, I don't know...a spelling course. Something!

Today ~~blohs~~ blows.

I wish I was a little bit taller

2008-04-16T15:16:00.015Z

I learned a lot of things throughout life. I’ve talked about some one them in the past.

Today marks the anniversary (kind of) of one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. I say kind of because I don’t remember the exact date, I just remember that it was some day in between the month of April (9 years ago).

My cousin and I were pretty much like brothers for a few years. We got into trouble countless times. I remember helping his friends steal a folder filled with rare Pokémon cards (shut up, we were 13) from a geek that lived down the street from him.

I actually feel pretty guilty for doing that. My job was to distract the kid while the other guys ran into his room and grab what they could. I talked to the poor kid about his Game Boy while my friends went inside to, "use the restroom". Make sure this is playing in the background while you’re reading this part. He was so naive and innocent. He knew nothing of the cruelty in this world. All he wanted was some friends. I put his Game Boy in my pocket when he wasn't looking. My friends ran out of his house yelling, “Go, go, go!” He looked at me with a look of confusion. I felt like Skeet Ulrich in As Good as It Gets when Simon notices that he has been betrayed by Vincent. We ran. They put the folder inside a plastic bag, buried it in my cousin's backyard, and placed a crate on top of it.

Did we steal social security cards? Did we steal bank statements from Enron? My friends went out of control with their paranoia. They eventually fought over the cards. Whatever. I was happy with the Game Boy.

We did stupid shit like this ever since I could remember. The older we got, the more trouble we got into. Let’s fast forward two years after the Pokémon incident.

My sister was pretty liberal with her car. She’d let my cousin and I joy ride all the time around my neighborhood. Ever heard of Ghost Riding the Whip? We invented that. Kind of. We used to drive about 15-20 MPH and hop out or sit on top of the roof while the other recorded the stupidity with a video camera.

Here’s where it gets really stupid. My sister had a Ford Focus. This car had a latch inside of the trunk that allowed you to open the trunk from the inside. Amazing news to stupid kids like ourselves. We got a kick out of scaring unsuspecting people at street corners, shopping plazas, wherever. We sometimes threw water balloons and eggs as well. One day we go out for a little joy riding with my sister. My sister is driving and my cousin is riding shotgun. Riding shotgun. I wonder who came up with that. Any who, I’m in the trunk.

We begin at a Shell gas station. My cousin gives me the signal (2 loud thumps) and I open the trunk and yell out something like ‘AHHH!’ or ‘BWUAH!!!’. Sad...yes I know. People would freak out. This one guy in particular with gold grills yelled out when I scared him. I don’t think you’re allowed to scream like that with grills in your mouth. I believe your hood pass gets revoked.

So we’re driving along scaring people and I hear a police siren. I think to myself, “no...hehehe.” Then the siren becomes louder and louder as it gets closer. Then I hear multiple squad cars. Now I’m saying ‘not good, not good’ 198 times repeatedly to myself. Then a cop yells out from his bullhorn, “PULL OVER AND TURN OFF THE VEHICLE. SLOWLY THROW THE KEYS OUTSIDE OF THE CAR! DRIVER, SLOWLY OPEN THE DOOR FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH YOUR LEFT HAND!”. By this point I’m convincing God how much I’ll change my ways if he prevents the cops from Rodney King-ing me.

Then…silence.

I hear nothing but radio dispatching. Then I hear keys jiggling and a cop opens the trunk. I see 5 police officers with their guns drawn at me. They see a chubby teen curled into the fetal position. I said, "Hi." I think they all simultaneously yelled expletives at me and made me get out of the trunk.

There were two cops that spoke to me at the scene. Good cop, bad cop. Bad cop was this 5 foot nothing Caucasian dude that used my leg as a soccer ball when I didn't spread my legs far enough when he asked me to (pause). Bad cop wanted me to spend the weekend in jail or as he eloquently put it: We should lock your stupid asses up for the weekend so bubba can make you funny boys laugh! Fucking Morons!.

Good cop was this huge black dude that looked something like Jason Taylor, yay for the ladies. He explained to us that they received a call from a lady saying that she saw a dead body in the trunk of a blue Ford Focus. Yeah. There were 9 squad cars from my count. I didn't have a belt on during this whole ordeal and Bad cop didn't give me a chance to pull up my pants. So I was standing in the middle of an intersection in cuffs with pants halfway down my ass. And of course that day was laundry day so I had on tighty whitey's. Great. I never had been beeped at so much by drivers passing by. Now I know how hot women feel like when pervs honk at them. Kinda.

They let us go with a warning. Bad cop apparently wanted me to get butt raped. Fuck the bad cop. As we drove off, Power 96 (radio station) was playing ‘Wish by Skee-lo’. I felt like dedicating it to the bad cop but I really didn’t want to meet bubba.

Roy orbison

2008-04-15T13:07:00.010Z

I usually can’t remember most of my dreams. It’s a situation where I’d have to immediately write down what happened as soon as I wake up or I’d forget in less than a minute (strange, yes). I remember color dreams, dying in dreams, cooking, stabbing, loving, jousting, and washing but I can’t remember any other details from those dreams. There is only one dream that I could never get out of my head.

See the picture above? Yes, it’s Christopher Walken. Respect. Do you see how he is kneeling down on the desk? Some random demon like angel with wings covered in blood was kneeling that same way on the roof of my childhood house, right above the entrance. That creeps me out today let alone 10 years ago. I blame The Prophecy.

But last nights dream wasn’t frightful at all. I was in someone’s living room playing guitar hero (<3).

Although, the dance dance revolution screen was up, not the traditional guitar hero screen. It wasnt a special edition game or anything...it was just fucking weird. This is what I saw:

I guess the ‘me’ in the dream didn’t notice because I kept rocking out. I don't even know how the controls worked but they did! I don't get it! I'm flabbergasted! For those who havent played Guitar hero, this is what the screen should look like:

Here’s where the weird part comes in. The screen changes from DDR and a screen shot of this guy pops up on screen with a blue bar:

Erik Estrada. Yes, the guy from Chips. I'm sure some of you have seen his infomercials on Saturday mornings. Any who, back to the game. He pops up on screen holding a gun along with a blue bar that moves across the screen. You have to tap the blue button (on the guitar) repeatedly in order to reach the end of the bar. And while you’re tapping the blue button…gun sounds exploded from the speakers (the sound of a machine gun to be exact). I tap, tap and tap some more. Then I finish the CHIPS level and the Estrada holding a gun picture transitions into a picture of Estrada giving me two thumbs up as if he was the Fonz. Then I woke up.

I would’ve said WTF a million and one times if that really happened. Why was it so normal for me during the dream? Has anyone ever been able to process information thoroughly while dreaming? Is there any common sense in the dream state? Am I asking too many questions? Ok I’ll stop.

Happy Tuesday, biatches.

Do I look Puerto Rican to you?

2008-04-14T13:38:00.011Z

[John hands Zeus a gun]
John - You know how to fire one of these?
Zeus - No.
John - No?
Zeus - Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker!

Die Hard: With a vengeance has to be one of my favorite movies of all time. One thing that bothers me throughout the movie is this bitch:

German Assassin bitch

She really thought she was hot shit. I don't think there is anyone else in the history of film whom I've despised more. But I've compiled a list and here are the bitches that I would've loved to have stabbed throughout my life:

Ms. Trenchbull - Matilda (Yes, Matilda. Stop laughing)

What a bitch. Try to put me in the choking and Cruz is going to have to choke him a bitch.

Angelica - Rugrats

Ms. Drama queen that needed a good stab or two. I use to take that show personally as a kid. I use to get offended when Angelica would boss Chuckie around. I'd yell, "don't take that shit, Tommy! Slap her!"

Monique

Her jealousy towards skinny women upsets me. Stop hating on the skinny girls for wearing sexy clothing. If you got it flaunt it. Don't hate, damn it! Go order yourself a triple whopper meal and shut the fuck up.

Rosie O'Donnell

And last but not least, Donald Trump's best friend. Lady, you're not funny. Please...shush your mouth.

STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!

2008-04-11T13:59:00.005Z

"Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book be its cover."

Here's another movie most wouldn't expect to find in my collection, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Yeah it's a musical, yeah there's the guy from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York playing a transvestite, yeah it's all pretty gay...but who gives a shit?

Tim Curry has big balls for playing the role of Frank-n-Furter. The movie would've sucked with him. Who knew Herkermer Homolka played a transvestite before he ate sesame cake? I didn't. Also, Susan Sarandon was hot, especially during her touch me bit.

Go rent it if you haven't seen it by now. If you live in South Florida, go down to Flippers on a Saturday night and watch it there for $6.50.

Brainwashed

2008-04-10T17:41:00.007Z

Why was I such a dick?

Why couldn't I give a little more?

I'm sorry for treating you like shit.

I'm sorry for not spending more time with your family. Yes, your mother is a bitch but I should have just compromised and kept my mouth shut. You cared so much for my parents and I could careless about yours. My mother loved you. My dad loved you. I never seen him so genuine with another girlfriend of mine. I feel stupid for what i've done.

I'm sorry for letting my anger ruin certain moments. It's incredibly easy to just let it go but I never did. So many good times that could have been great.

I'm sorry for hanging out with females certain times out of a week and never telling you. You would have NEVER done that to me and I feel pretty ridiculous right now for doing that to you. Honesty is key and I wasn't at all.

I'm sorry for making you cry all those times. You definitely didn't deserve any of them. Especially when you dropped me off for my dentist appointment. I don't know who that guy is but it certainly wasn't me.

I'm sorry for not giving you the emotional attention you wanted at certain times. How much easier could things have been if i'd just held your hand that time, hugged you or sat next to you when you wanted. How hard is it to stay an extra 5 minutes outside your house? Why was I in such a rush to leave?

Our biggest problem was that you cared so much about me. You didn't cheat on me, you didn't have bad habits, you didn't neglect me, you didn't lie to me, you weren't selfish, no. You genuinely cared for me, you'd text me throughout the work day, you'd call me when i'd ask you to after work, you'd want to come over all the time. Our biggest problem was how I couldn't get over the fact that someone out there is actually willing to spend all of their time with me.

Do you know how sad it is for your own mother to tell your girlfriend to end the relationship because her son is an asshole?

I'm sorry for making you feel like everything I ever told you was a lie. It wasn't a lie.

I made you feel shitty for loving me.

I knew all about your abandonment issues yet I made things worst for you in the end.

It's terrible that the good times will be overshadowed by the bad.

I'm sorry for never apologizing.

I hope you do find someone better than that guy who you use to be with. I don't know who that guy is. I feel brainwashed when I think of it. I don't want forgiveness, I just want something better for you.

Lima Time

2008-04-04T17:27:00.016Z

If you’ve read my older post you know that Christina Milian is my celebrity crush. She has been ever since “Between me and you”.

But lately I’ve been feeling someone else. Yes, I’ve been cheating on Ms. Milian. Yes, men are dogs. We cant even stay faithful in imaginary relationships.

Back to my new main squeeze.

Who can replace Ms. Milian you might ask. Someone who :

-does charitable work
helping with an orphanage, "Caminhos da Luz" (Ways of Light), located in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil.

-is fluent in three languages —Portuguese, Spanish and English.

-was born in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil and is of African, Native South American and Swiss descent.

-is the world's fourth highest paid supermodel as of 2007

Ok, ok enough. Feels like I’m going to included her resume in this post.

[drum roll]...............................It’s Adriana Lima

Yes, Lima time baby.

No, not that Lima time!

Yes, this Lima time!

She’s so…desirable. At least to me she is. It must be nice waking up to her without make-up looking all natural and beautiful. There’s a disclaimer though, “"Sex is for after marriage," explained Lima. "They (men) have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me." In an interview with GQ April 2006 issue she explained how she is a virgin and devote Catholic who attends church every Sunday. That’s right; Sexy Ms. Sexxington got some moral values.

Hello Mrs. Cruz, alll righttt.

Magic Dance

2008-04-04T12:46:00.012Z

I’m a movie buff, I love movies. We all have at least one movie in our DVD collection that we keep in a separate place (no, not porn…sometimes). But I’m talking about a movie which you wouldn’t want your friends to know you actually like let alone love.

Example:

Hardcore thug – yo, go get my Boys in the Hood DVD, son.
Thug’s friend – [shuffles through DVD collection] – Maid in Manhattan? The fuck is this?
Hardcore Thug – uh uh uh...it’s my sisters!
HC Thug’s friend – you don’t have a sister!

His hood pass gets revoked. It is now void.

Any who, back to my movie. Well I have a couple of movies in my arsenal. Here is numbero uno:

Labrinth

Jareth -You remind me of the babe
Goblin - What babe?
Jareth - The babe with the power!
Goblin - What power?
Jareth - Power of voodoo!
Goblin - Who do?
Jareth - You do!
Goblin - Do what?
Jareth - Remind me of the babe!

Oh man this movie is gold for me. Creepy creatures, a dog named Ambrosius, inappropriate attire around kids (see the bulge), a romantic underage love story hidden inside a children's movie. Yes, David Bowie is a borderline pedophile in this movie. Look at his attire below. Not suitable for kids.

I’m not making this up. Go get the DVD and watch the movie up until the part where she bites into the poisoned peach...COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE FROM THEN ON. What happened to the kid’s movie I was watching? Why is David Bowie giving her the “look”? You know the look.

Why is Jennifer Connelly all of a sudden hot in the ballroom scene? I’d hit it (if she was legal of course). Jim Henson is trying to pull a fast one on all of us!

[David Bowie – Within you] - Your eyes can be so cruel! Just as I can be so cruel! Oh I do believe in you! ---What the fuck is this? Why are you trying to bang a thirteen your old, Bowie? Listen to the song ‘Within you’ from the movie, tell me if that song is appropriate for a kids movie! What happened to the singing and fun with all the weird creatures? This movie is so far off that I love it. You got to love those crazy 80’s movies that leave you wondering. I’m on to you Jim Henson. I wonder if he forgot what movie he was doing halfway through. It’s possible! R.I.P Jim, you sly devil you.

I'd like What's on TV for $200, Alex

2008-04-03T13:05:00.022Z

TV time has been on a hiatus at my house for a pretty long time.

But not anymore! I feel like those people who screw up in rehab (I said no, no, no).

TV still sucks but there are a few shows that never seem

to fail of late.

Such as:

Countdown with Keith Olbermann

O-dog has been the man since his Sportscenter days. Great communicator, hates Fox News (So do I, screw Hannity), he has been missed dearly over at ESPN.

Jeopardy
I love Jeopardy. I was on a roll last night in the first round with four correct answers. I didnt get another one right for the rest of the game. Damn you Trebek for pointing out my ignorance!! I wonder if Alex has ever lost his cool during a taping of a show? I wonder what kind of trash talk comes out of his mouth? Dude is smooth. I imagine him out on a date when something like this occurs:

Hot chick – Wow look! What a pretty bird!
Alex – Oh that’s a Passerine.
Hot chick – Passerine?
Alex – Yes, many Passerines are songbirds and have complex muscles to control their syrinx; many gape in the nest as infants to beg for food.
Hot chick – What's a syrinx?
Alex - The vocal organ of a bird, consisting of thin vibrating muscles at or close to the division of the trachea into the bronchi.
Hot chick - God you're so smart. Want to go back to my place for amazing sex?
Alex - Why certainly.

Alex is awesome.

Baseball Tonight I miss Harold Reynolds damn it. The sexual harassment issue was misunderstanding! Bring him back! Libertad! Libertad! Karl Ravech is like the cool older dude that lives down the block that makes you wonder why he’s friends with you to begin with. I don’t know if that makes sense? Whatever. Karl is cool, ok? Kruky is ok, he has grown on me. Vina's beard scares me for some reason. Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons are legends (I dont know if I went too far there?).

Law & Order: SVU

Arguably the best drama on TV. The episode with Jeff Kober has to be one of my favorites. Awesome show, Criminal Intent sucks balls.

40 Year old virgin Ok this doesn’t count but I saw 40 year old virgin last night and it must be a trip to hang out with Seth Rogen. He looks like the kind of guy that would get you into all sorts of trouble.

Seth is cool.

Well at least the funny Seth. Not the bully from Donnie Darko (what was that about?). We'll pretend that he was never in Donnie Darko.

Rambling on

2008-04-02T13:52:00.007Z

Sounds like someone has the case of the Mondays…YEP! Although it’s Wednesday. Is it like this in every office environment? I don’t want to be here. I rather be home sleeping. I wake up hating life at 7am throughout the work week and wake up at 6am on the weekends (unintentionally)...what’s that about?

Our educational system sucks. I've learned more on the Internet than I ever have in school. Maybe it’s because I went to a D school? Perhaps.

Any who, back to the work environment! People here suck. They treat others like crap. Everything is fine and dandy when you’re around them but the second you walk away the trash talking begins. I’m a graphic designer; I like to create art in various ways (such as via electronically). I’d be a dick if I began criticizing people who are not in the field now would I? You don’t know what typography is? You come from planet loser or something (my trash talking is not up to date sorry)?
You don’t poke fun at people who don’t know squat about the field you work in. People around here don’t seem to understand that. YES HE MADE A MISTAKE…GET OVER IT. He doesn't work in your department nor cares what your department does. He just wants to pay his fucking outstanding invoices, he doesn’t want a fucking lecture in procurement. He’s a department head. He takes home double/triple than what you take. He can give a shit-less if you’ve told him before how the procedure works! I’m sure he pretty much pity’s you. But if it makes you feel better at the end of the day by criticizing him then do it silently. I don’t want to hear your shit while I’m blogging.

For those readers out there that I work with…hi…nice of you to drop in. You could go and tell everyone in building about my blog, thanks for the free publicity biatch.

I think I mentioned this before but just in case I didn’t...I have a co-worker who doesn’t know how to copy and paste! How does that happen!? A while back I told her to copy something she was looking at and paste it into a word document and she said, “How?” Oh em gee. I refrained myself from making her cry and showed her how to copy/paste. Apparently she should take notes because she forgot. She asked me again yesterday while we were both alone in the office. Sigh.

I hate that there's only 2 beverage vending machines in the lounge and they both suck = a coke machine and a machine that has 9 different selections of water. Yes, 9, and no juice whatsoever. And why do they call it a lounge? It’s a room with folding tables and chairs with a 19 inch TV. When I think of a lounge I think of strobe lights, comfy seating, plasma TVs, vodka, a pool table or two. Not a microwave sitting next to the sink at the back of the room. I think I'm asking for too much.

All I want is a lazy boy with a 42-60 inch LCD TV in the lounge with dim lighting and a vast selection of beverages a few feet away. Is that too much to ask for? Like so:

Ok I'm done, sorry if you read all of that. There is no point. I just started to type and it got me this far. Good day to all.

Fool

2008-04-01T13:06:00.003Z

Today is that day. A day where it is ok to lie, sort of.

The day where you take a co-workers car keys without being noticed and park their car on another block and pretend as if it were stolen. - That's funny, good idea.

Some people suck at it though, here is a bad idea:

Girl: I want to break up, it's not working out.
Boy: Wtf? Why? Huh? Who? When? Where? Is it another guy? Is it that guy you said hi to at Starbucks? I know it is. I put up with all your shit and I don't complain, i'm always there for you, and you know what? Fuck you! I don't need this shit! Go be a whore with Starbucks boy, go!
Girl: ...Umm...April Fools? But it's nice to see where your head is at. Good bye, jerk!
[Girl slaps boy]
[Boy is left dumbfounded]

Be careful today and watch out for those pranksters.

What could have been...

2008-03-31T13:23:00.008Z

This past weekend was suppose to be ULTRA weekend.

It was suppose to start like this:

And end like this:Eh.

Forget about what happened, I don't want to talk about it. It's only going to make me upset.

So, instead of tripping balls (I would never) I ended up spending way too much money this weekend.

My weekend activities included wasting money at the fair, saw this movie, went here, played a little bit of this, and wasted money on food and gas of course. Don't get me started on gas.

What is the moral of the story? Save your money!

To stare or not to stare

2008-03-28T16:30:00.002-01:00

A co-worker of mine loves to stare at women. Wait. Love is an understatement and lets just leave it at that.

He stares at all type of women (fat, skinny, disabled, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, old, young, midget, purple, etc).

I rode in the elevator with him just a little while ago with another lady (whom had on a very revealing top). Giggidy giggidy goo for him.

He began to stare, I began to cringe. He does it so blatantly! I just feel kinda bad, we all just feel bad for him. Kinda felt bad for the horse ; )

Any who, she notices and turns away disgustedly.

I then began to think...can you blame him? I can see your nipples, missy. Don't expect to be treated like a lady when you're dressed like a slut.

This guy might be a perv...but I got your back!...this time!

May Rules

2008-03-26T17:03:00.003-01:00

May is awesome.

Mother's day, Cinco de Mayo (I'm not Mexican, I just love celebrations), Glow in the dark concert, my dad's birthday, my birthday, and of course Memorial day weekend.

How do you follow up the celebration that begins on the 5th of May? With real hip hop of course:

May is cooler than the other side of the pillow. Man that was corny, mea culpa.

I'm with stupid

2008-03-25T16:57:00.002-01:00

I think I should shave off all my facial hair. That's right, all of it. Maybe then I wouldnt look so...stupid?

Let me give you a play-by-play of what just went down in the lobby:

[Lady] - Hey, I left a requisition on your desk. It needs to be expedited.

[Slight pause from lady]

[Lady] - you know what that means, right?

......

[Me (sarcastic smile)] - yes, I think I do. (Then I gave her a wink)

Is expedite a new word? Was it created yesterday while I was ironing? Did I not receive the memo this morning notifying me of the creation of this fantastic word? Or how about a better question such as, "Do I look stupid?". I must look stupid. I blame the facial hair, clearly men with facial hair are morons. Clearly. It's a fact, isn't it?

Just for that, her little requisition thats needs to be rushed so badly will be in detainment for the rest of the day.

I win.

Fucking WAIT

2008-03-24T16:34:00.003-01:00

Ever been waiting for an elevator and some idiot rushes over and pushes the up/down button repeatedly as if it'll make it arrive faster?

I work with fuck-toids like this.

You really think the elevator is going to reach our floor faster by pressing it 76 times? Press it once, twice or 38 times and guess what...IT DOESN'T CHANGE A DAMN THING! Put your hands in your pocket or take the fucking stairs.

Where's my wings?

2008-03-21T16:45:00.004-01:00

This is the first time since mid 2005 that i've had a Red Bull. I forgot how much it sucks. It taste like melted Jolly Ranchers. Red bull doesnt give me wings. It gives me a headache and now i'm all jittery. Monster over RB anyday.

Thanks RB, thanks for nothing!

Down with the sickness

2008-03-20T11:32:00.003-01:00

Believe it or not, I like being sick.

You get to stay home and catch up on DVDs you haven't watched, finish a book you just haven't had a chance to get around to, and you could quite possibly lose a pound or two.

Everyone seems to treat you differently when you're sick.

You sort of get a free pass in certain aspects of life.

You also find out which of your friends really care about you.

I want to say thanks for those who worried about me and checked in to see if I were still breathing. You know who you are ; )

My god is cooler

2008-03-17T16:39:00.006-01:00

1pm to just about 2:30pm is a very peaceful time for me while at work. I get back from my lunch break at 1pm and most of the office leaves for their break.

I get most of my work done during this time.

This is also a time where my co-worker makes photographic copies of pages from his Santeria book.

Google "Santeria" if you don't know what it is.

My co-worker waste paper and toner everyday for some fantasy tales that were spoon fed to him ever since he was a child. Maybe it isnt fair to call his ‘religion’ a fairy tale. Maybe he feels the same way towards me? Maybe he thinks I’m a fool for believing in God?

Hmm.

You really cant win with this subject, can you?

I wish something would just happen one day. Concrete proof, evidence, God in the flesh, SOMETHING! Something where everyone everywhere can finally put this touchy subject to rest.

People die over this mess and it will not stop anytime soon.

The big bang theory sounds great, so does evolution, god created the world in 7 days…sweet. But wouldn’t you love to know what really happened from the origin of time?

Is everything we’ve been taught a big fantasy? Or were we seeded by another life form?

Things that make you go hmm….

10,000 B.C.

2008-03-12T13:33:00.007-01:00

(2) Adult tickets bought online - $23

A slushy, coke, and bag of popcorn - $7.50

Cheesy.

Unoriginal.

The trailer is the movie.

Baby wouldn't stop crying. I'm not upset at the baby though, more so the lady who decided to bring a baby to see a movie that Dolby Digital sound is catered to.

$30.50...I got raped.

Pirate this movie. Anarchy rules. Kinda.

PS: the movie wasn't my idea

MEN

2008-03-11T12:39:00.001-01:00

A friend of mine came over last night to kick it and play Nintendo (yes, retro Nintendo).

I just finished unpacking from a recent move and came across some frames I wanted up on the wall.

I told my friend to go over to the back room and bring me the level. He said, “The what?”

How can you be a man and not know what a level is?

Today’s men are a generation of men raised by women (no offense to the ladies).

I had a guy friend call me at 2am one night to go help him with his flat tire…HIS TIRE!

I know other men who think a Phillips screw driver belongs to a chap name Phillip.

What ever happened to going out to the back yard with a lawnmower and a machete to do some yard work? No! Now guys call their ‘landscaping companies’ to do the dirty work.

What ever happen to making/ordering a café con leche? Now it’s a double mocha latte with skim milk. Pfft.

Men out there better shape up, damn it.

Remember you have balls and be a man! (No homo)

Yuck

2008-03-08T02:37:00.004-01:00

Hey you! Yeah, you!

The one depriving me of some decent fucking air to breathe.

Into the ol', "self destruction" phase are we?

Do you like that your gums are brown?

What happens when you turn 36? You get cancer and in result you begin to appreciate life?

Or wait...are you a product of monkey see, monkey do? The people you idolized growing up did it so gosh darn it! I will do it too! Fuck my heart!

Has your boyfriend/girlfriend rubbed off on you?

Now I gotta take my $85 shirt to the cleaners because of the disguising smell that was absorbed while at the pool hall.

I take second hand smoke as a form of assault...so I'll judo chop your ass next time you blow smoke in an area where it not allowed.

If you want to commit suicide so bad I suggest jumping off a skyscraper, you'll achieve success quicker.

PS: It's not cute when you smell smoke in a woman's hair, vomit.

Random Friday

2008-03-07T14:30:00.003-01:00

I think a pigeon tried to commit suicide this morning. It dove in front on my bumper.

I’ve achieved the impossible…I no longer watch TV! I used to watch way too much TV for my own good. I’ve replaced TV with literature. I’m halfway through Invisible Monsters. Although I do miss watching The Office.

Excuse me for Spanish not being my language of choice, Sorry! Don’t correct me every fucking time I make a grammatical mistake. I don’t correct you when you sound like an idiot trying to speak English. Swim back to your country, fucktoid.

Good things seem to be on the horizon. Giggity.

I got a tiny hole around the crotch area of my pants. Crap.

My co-worker has a garden on his desk. I think I shall get him a machete for his birthday so he could get to his files.

Don’t be afraid of the toner…it doesn’t bite. You make 70K a year yet you can’t change your toner. Die.

Sometimes I wish evaluation consultants would come in and X out the expendable people around here.

Hey you! Yea you, the one who is reading this crap. Ask me any question you want and I’ll answer it for you. Don't be shy.

I think I’m going to go the entire month of March without shaving.

I think the key to finding a trustworthy candidate to start a relationship with is appearance. Maybe I should go out and hook up with a homely woman. You can’t trust pretty people.

Word of advice for the day - While driving - if you’re making a turn (left or right)…use your indicators. You won’t receive an electric jolt if you tap them, trust me. Go ahead and flip the little guy up or down and save yourself a panicky ride home in which you ask yourself, “Is that guy in the white car following me?”

What is it about Bad Boys 2 that never allows me to get tired of it?

Silly vegetarians. They eat soybeans that animals died for. Stop following trends, eat meat and shut up.

Happy Friday, biatches.

3rd times a charm

2008-03-05T19:51:00.005-01:00

The North and South elevators at my job are pretty standard. Simple traditional LED fixtures, Oval office like blue carpet, and of course VISIBLE directional/position indicators.

After my lunch break I entered the elevator with another woman on our journey to the 1st floor.

We reached the 1st floor.

I wait for her to get out first (because I'm a gentleman like that).

She takes a step out of the elevator with a look of confusion and ask, "Is this the 1st floor?"

Pause.

Let me enlighten you all with some info first. Sadly, this is the 3rd time I've come across such a sharp individual. I shrugged off the first two occasions because they were old women on their way out. This lady has to be in her early 30's, she had Prada glasses on her head, and she didn't seem to have any type of mental illness.

Back to the story! She asked if she was indeed on the 1st floor...hmm...lets see:

I don't blame her, it's hard to tell when there's palm trees all over the place. Not to mention the cars passing by. Pfft.

My reaction to her question? I gave her a puzzled look and said, "Oh!...ummm... (looks at the LED indicator indicating that we're indeed on the 1st floor) I think we are? But something could be wrong with it? I'll inform the mayor."

She was not amused. She mumbled something in Spanish under her breath while she walked toward the sliding doors that led to the 3rd floor for all she knows.

Victory is mine.

Wear your size

2008-03-04T18:19:00.004-01:00

This is how kids are dressing nowadays around my area:

I want to throw the bottom of their shirts (that reaches down to their ankles) over their head and strangle them to death.

There might be big guys out there that you're pissing off when you grab the last 6XL shirt off the rack.

Beware. They're unhappy.

Wtf are you listening to?

2008-03-04T17:56:00.002-01:00

I listen to all types of music ranging from Hip hop to Rock.

I was listening to a mix CD this morning in my car and had it on full blast. I was listening to Big Pun-Twins when all of a sudden track 14 ended and track 15 began....Feist-Secret Heart.

What a mix, eh?

I usually have my windows up when listening to music that questions my manhood.

Which songs are those?

Here's a few:

Madonna - Hung up

Natasha Beddingfield - Feel the rain on your skin

Amy Winehouse - You know i'm no good

Mika - Love today

Sara Bareilles - Love on the rocks

Rhianna - Don't stop the music

I want to live in a world where I could listen to 'These eyes' by The Guess Who in my car and not be judged, damn it!

Lesson learned

2008-02-29T13:12:00.005-01:00

I’ve come a long way since my playing in the dirt days when I was six years old. I’ve learned plenty of lessons throughout the years, some the hard way. Here are some that I learned the hard way:

-The talcum powder is not my bottle of milk
-Don’t stick aluminum foil into the microwave
-Don't prank call 911
-I am not superman, I cannot fly
-Drive like an old lady when it’s raining
-Electric gates lives up to their name
-Don’t make fun of Haitians in a predominately Haitian school
-Listen to your mother when she tells you she has a bad feeling
-Never trust a woman that says she’s on the pill
-Don't go to the hospital unless you have a major illness or bone fractures; it's gonna cost you
-Never hide in the trunk of a car & scare people at bus stops; the police don't have a sense of humor
-Never stand still when a group of angry people are running towards you
-Racism is still alive and kicking
-I’ll post more a little later during the day

Let it go

2008-02-21T12:53:00.002-01:00

So...I have this friend that has a little dilemma. His sister continues to sneak out of her house late at night and one can only imagine what she is doing.

The other night my friend and I just got back from a movie theater and he received a call from his mother who had been roaming the streets franticly searching for her daughter. We combed about a 2 mile radius around their neighborhood. Long story short, we found the girl walking with another girl and two older guys.

My friend hopped out the car and begins beating her with his belt (how embarrassing). He finally made her get into my car and we drove her home. Another big fight broke out but this time the older sister jumped in. Yelling, profanity lol, chaos ensued. Finally we got my friend to calm down and we left. Yet on our way out...his sister began walking away from the house again. AGAIN he got out of the car and forced her to get back into the house.

Question! Was my friend wrong for trying to beat some since into this girl? She's 17 years old yet she thinks she has the world all summed up. I think a little discipline doesn’t hurt but I don’t believe a person will change by being drop kicked in the back.

Thoughts?

And it was still hot

2008-02-20T13:28:00.001-01:00

One thing to look forward to in 2009.

YOU

2008-01-07T05:54:00.000-01:00

This upcoming election is the first in which we have a black man, a Mormon, and a woman running for office.

Our country has a lot to decide and it doesn't just start at the national level; it starts at the personal level with each and every one of us.

We need to vote for individuals who stand up for principles, laws and equality.

If you vote:

Don't vote for Obama just because he's black.

Don't vote for Hillary just because she's a woman.

Don't vote for Giuliani because you remember his name from the events that occured on 9/11.

Do research on all the candidates and get out there and voice your opinion in the polls.

Still playing with toys are we?

2007-12-03T13:47:00.003-01:00

Finally there's a place in Miami to get your kidrobot on exclusively. Before you'd have to go to places like Workmans, Soles inc, or pink ghost for your peecol's. But 11/29/07 marked the grand opening of the Kidrobot flagship store on Collins Ave at the beach.

Hundreds of people lined Collins Ave hoping to get one of the limited edition Miamified 305 Skullhead Dunnys designed by Huck Gee and get a sneak peak of the store. The lined stretched from 6th down pass 7th street. People camped out in line from the night before. Some came from NY, DC, Orlando, etc.

I made it at 4:30pm with shades on, I was #119.

The line continue to grow from there as the sun went down.

We met a lot of cool people while waiting in line. We saw a lot of freaks as well. People around the beach kept asking us, "What's going on?". I kept telling them Michael Jordan is getting braids and we're waiting to see.

These dudes came around with crayons for everyone waiting in line to draw on the sidewalk.

I had to mark my spot in history. ST//--11.29.07

I formed a new crew out there, our name is Nicca nicca nicca (inside joke)

It's getting dark. I felt sorry for the women in heels = /

People are getting antsy.

Ah yes, finally. Inside, Kid Robot style colors exploded everywhere. All of the toys methodically arranged on the outer walls, with clothing and bags in the back of the store.

Huck showed love to the peeps waiting in line. He even drew on some DIY dunny's for people waiting in line.

This is what we came for. Limited to one per person, I manage to snag 3 bwahahahaha! Good times, everyone was in a good mood. We need more events like this, sneaker pimps, rock the bells, etc. Miami is not all booty music and dope boys. It's not all fake Jordans and silver chains. There's culture here so beware!

It looks like a toddler scribbled on a canvas...

2007-10-15T15:01:00.000Z

Art is my anti-drug.

I spent most of my Saturday night roaming around Miami’s art district in Wyn-wood. I met a good amount of interesting people, some from countries all over the world. I also met a lot of waco's who didn't know the first thing about art.

As I sat down on an art nouveau like chair I wondered…can art be taught?

Cellar door

2007-10-01T20:25:00.000Z

Every living creature on earth dies alone.

Oh now you know us!?

2007-09-26T12:24:00.000Z

More and more guys are apparently, 'suckers for love'. --Which is not such a bad thing. But it sucks when it's your friends. My friend count is dropping like flies. I'm not an idiotic macho that says BROS BEFORE HOES but damn! We're the one's whose going to be there for you if something goes wrong in your relationship. We'll be there for you....will she? How long you've known her? How long you've known us? Oh you remember us now? Oh she dumped you? OH NOW YOU KNOW US, HUH?

Damn...excuse my vulgarness (did I create a new word?) but I guess some guys don't know how to act when they get pussy?

I feel like my good friend FC and I are the only guys left in Miami that understands that there's plenty of fish in the sea. I'm not a pimp by a long shot but I know I could get a female if I wanted to...I don't see a shot clock in the sky that's warning me that I better stay with the first female that can stand to be in a room with me for more than 10 minutes. I'm not a dog that sleeps around with multiple women because there's plenty to go around. If I know the relationship is not working out...I end it. I'm not going to adjust my lifestyle in a form of ignoring my friends just to make our relationship 'work'.

I don't understand how someone could throw away friendship (with multiple people) over a female. And if a female stands by that...she's selfish. Don't get me wrong, I don't call my friends every 5 seconds in a day wondering what they're doing, no. I understand if a person is in a relationship but don't ignore your friends. If so, we'll do the same when you come back with your hand out asking for some dap (hand shake).

But hey...I guess maybe these guys don't have confidence in themselves? I wish I knew why...

WHY?

2007-09-19T23:19:00.000Z

Why do you tYpE DiS wAy?

Do you think it's cool?

Do you think ending words with ing's is not cool?

The human gene pool could use a little more chlorine I see.

Are you 10?

Are you retarded?

Are you craving for some attention?

You're in an institute of higher learning...act like it.

I'm all for the 'idk', 'omg', 'wtf', 'lol'. But I draw the line when yOu TyPe lIk dIs aLl dA fUkiN tImE.

Good luck in life ; )

-Yawn-

2007-09-19T17:13:00.000Z

The Hills Have Eyes? Texas Chainsaw Massacre? No.

If you want to see a good horror movie, go out and find yourself 'Cannibal Holocaust'.

If they were to remake it with awesome special effects and better cameras then it would be classic.

If you watch it, let me know what you think ; )

Does anyone care?

2007-09-18T01:22:00.002Z

www.freethejenasix.com

I'm surprised people aren’t talking about this. Do you know what the saddest part is? Most people didn't hear about this due to Paris being released from the slammer around the time this happened. Why can't the news channels just leave that stuff to Access Hollywood or Extra?

Some Southern states need to get re-educated on the substance of race.

When trying to be cool goes wrong

2007-09-17T17:20:00.000Z

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20764780/

smh.

Signs that the world is coming to an end

2007-09-17T02:40:00.000Z

HIP HOP

NOT HIP HOP

YOUUUUUUUUU! Soulja Boy lies #1 atop of the billboard hot 100 charts. I’m not surprised, disgusted, but not surprised. White kids name Billy O’ Shea and black girls name Boomshika Jones are the ones who makes Black Face-of-the-new-millennium popular.

Would you like to contribute to the demise of hip hop? Yes!? Ok! Here’s what you do:
-Get a catchy snappy beat.
-Make up a ghey dance that correlates with the song.
-Throw a bunch of simple words together that rhymes (if they don’t rhyme then try to twist the word around so it sounds like it rhymes).
-Get some type of accessory such as sun-glasses as your trademark.

There you have it! You too could be at the top of the charts with these simple steps! There’s a catch though, kiss your dignity good bye.

I wouldn’t necessarily take this seriously but a certain part of society thinks this is hip hop! I was flipping through CNN and I saw a youtube video of someone doing the ‘Superman’ dance. The reporter said, “Hip hop artist Soulja boy”--------NO! I googled CNN to see if I can find a contact number so I could call live and explain what is Hip hop/not but I was unsuccessful.

Prepare yourselves my fellow hip hop heads, we have entered into the age of ringtone sales.

I’ll leave you all with a funny quote, “it’s a shame what the game has come to”. That came out of the mouth of Jadakiss. But then again…wtf you doing on the ‘A Bay Bay remix’ you contradicting bafoon?

= /

Who's your favorite Roman Emperor?

2007-09-13T02:52:00.000Z

So how about it? Constantine? Caligula? Trajan?

Explain why ; )

FYI, I asked for your 'favorite' not the 'best'.

Let's suppose...

2007-09-09T16:15:00.000Z

Hypothetically speaking, if the government were to issue an IQ test and kill the bottom 10 percent…would you live?

I speak not of quantity, but quality.

2007-09-07T01:48:00.000Z

As I sit on my couch watching the Saints vs. Colt, I wonder...what is a fully developed human being supposed to be capable of?

Suicide?

2007-09-06T19:02:00.000Z

Watching Law and Order: S.V.U. got me thinking…can one rationalize suicide?

I would've thought it would depend on the individual's situation. If you feel as if the bad is far outweighing the good in your life, then I think it should be your right to consider suicide. You should though consider others in your life, as most of us do not live in vacuums as hermits. I'm not saying this should keep you from suicide, but it is probably good if you at least talk to those you care about, so they will not feel such negative effects after your suicide.

I think the only time suicide is rational is if the person is terminally ill, if your lungs will slowly fill with fluid, if you're gasping to catch every breath, but it never comes, every breath will be petrifying, it will be slow, painful, torturous, then you should be allowed to die.

What do you think?

I <3 Labor Day

2007-09-03T21:25:00.001Z

We celebrate how we work our asses off by... not working.

God bless Americaaaa.

Click here, I lulz.

I'll keep posting random crap, stay tuned.

Que sera sera...

2007-09-03T17:03:00.000Z

Happy Labor day

<3 Doggies

2007-08-03T18:05:00.000Z

The thought of being entertained by fighting dogs disgusts me.

As far as I'm concerned Michael Vick is no longer welcomed in the NFL. He should be rotting in jail for 5-6 years.

Clinton Portis should be attacked by a pack of wild Pit bulls. Look at what this class act had to say of the Vick situation:

"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, it's his dog," Washington Redskins running back Clinton Portis told WAVY-TV in Virginia. "If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business." When told that dog fighting is a felony, Portis replied, "It can't be too bad of a crime."

IGNORANCE.

heh..

2007-07-13T20:22:00.000Z

Eh.

2007-06-15T04:02:00.001Z

ATM Machine – Eh.
It’s not a damn Automatic Teller Machine Machine.

My neighbor (mid 30’s?) says this one all the time to his son: "Don’t forget your MP3."… Eh. It's an MP3 player.

Eh.

It must be nice...being filthy rich.

2007-06-13T14:41:00.000Z

06.15.1999

2007-06-12T19:29:00.001Z

"Death always comes too early or too late". In this case, too early.

This Friday will mark the day my best friend died 8 years ago.
Robert ‘Snider’ Williams. Everyone called him Snider when I met him. Sounds gay but he was the coolest person I’ve ever known at the time I met him. He moved across the street from me when I was 10 years old (he was two years older).

He basically taught me everything I needed to know (street wise) throughout the years. I didn’t grow up in Compton but my neighborhood was no joke. He had my back since day one and always looked out for me. He got me out of countless problems, yet, he got me into some as well.

I learned a lot about graffiti from him. His tag name was ‘Glos’. He loved the word, something about things that were brand new and glossy fascinated him.

Well on that day in June back in 1999, he wanted to go to Checkers which was about a mile and a half away from our house. I told him to wait for me because my mom was calling me, yet he started walking without me and yelled, “HURRY UP!”

I heard rapid gun fire, but you hear that all the time in that area so I didn’t think it had anything to do with him. I was helping my mom bring in some clothes from the back yard. I see this big commotion down at the end of the street corner. To sum it up, he was shot 6 times…why? Good question.

I blamed myself for the longest time, if I called him into my house…he wouldn’t have gotten shot. Then I blamed him for a while wondering why did he have to be so damn stubborn? Why couldn't’t he wait for me? But I guess god really needed him up there. It was his time to go.

I made this to commemorate his death. I’ve kept this from a lot of people who are currently in my life. But a good friend told me I shouldn't’t. I should rejoice his life and reminisce the good times and not the bad. R.I.P.