Myspizzle

I've been procrastinating all afternoon. Where does procrastination lead to? Myspace. I went into my inbox and took a trip down memory lane and went back to message #1 on myspace which dates back a few years. I came across a few messages I wanted to share:

(click to enlarge the pics)
Another Radames sighting. At least this guy wasn't gay...I think?


I get hit on by younger girls a lot...why? Weird ones too.


This chick had potential at the time. Everything went smooth until we hung out. Boring ass chick. Now I know that every time she agreed with me online was bullshit. Had no opinion on...nothing basically.


I'm the white Lloyd Banks apparently.


I have no fucking clue what this message was about...till this day. I messaged this guy back and he never replied. It's kind of hilarious though


'The guitar guy at church' -has to be one of the greatest all time self-descriptions.

3 bears

I went over to the beach Friday for the 3 bears dunny release. Well more like 2 bears? I was told only two of the three artist were showing up (damn it).

My partner in crime


I think I'd be a pretty good mannequin


The line wasn't so bad


I got interviewed by this guy


Why was my mouth open? Good question.


This guy's bumper was destroyed in the parking garage


He's going to want to stab someone.


Awesome weather for standing in line for an hour or two. No sun whatsoever.


The goodies


High fives for everyone


TADO // ILOVEDUST






Until next time kiddies, peace out. How come no one ever says peace in?

Epic

I like pranks. Who doesn't? Well apparently my co-worker doesn't.

It used to be just the 3 of us (we could make it if we try) when our office was located on the 3rd floor. The three of us consist of myself, another male and a female. We'll call them Saunder and Becky.

I suggested pulling a prank on Becky to Saunder (he loved the idea) while Becky is gone on vacation. I wanted to put sticky notes all over her desk...you know...stupid small stuff. But the small stuff lead to this:





We did the following:

- Hid her plants, vanity mirror (Saunder's idea), and desk figurines
- Disassemble her chair (Saunder's idea)
- Outlined her work area with caution tape
- Disconnected her mouse and keyboard(Saunder's idea)
- We left a note on her chair but I don't remember what it said
- Connected a bunch of paperclips to create a hanging loop and taped them alongside the bottom of her desk

Two things of note:
1. Pay attention to the pictures (click to enlarge). She hated her name plate. She always kept it inside one of her desk drawers. We took out the name plate and taped it to her desk.

2. She has a dog named Toby who is like a son to her. She loves him dearly. We hung her stuffed toy dog from the ceiling over her desk. I must admit...that was kind of cruel. Could you imagine if we would have left the sticky note that said R.I.P attached to the toy? That would've earned us a kick in the groin or two.

What did she do when she came back from vacation? She cried. I'm glad I came in late. I didn't see her wrath, I didn't experience it. This is what happened when I came in:

Boss - I'm disappointed in you guys.
Me - What happened?
Boss - You made her cry; she's pissed.
Me - ...Umm...Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss - No..

We put everything back. She was pretty upset but eventually she got over it.

I rule with Pikachu

I enjoy the simple things in life. I spent about 4 hours last night playing this with a bunch of grown men:



This is what we do. We don’t tote guns and rob liquor stores. We play sports and hang out. We don't look for trouble and cite riots. We play Smash Brothers and Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, yes, N64. I guess we could all purchase Wii's or PS3's but the integrity isnt the same. We all get that nostalgic feeling whenever we're not playing the N64.

I took some time off from work and came back this morning to this:



It might not look like much to the average person but coming from a guy that dealt with this for the past two years:



It’s awesome.

I've had a 1972 phone ever since I started working for my employer while everyone else had AT LEAST a phone that had a call-hold button. I work for the government, not Google. I don't get cool toys like this:



I thought it was some sort of 'hazing the new guy' phase I had to go through but apparently not. I had maybe the worst phone in Miami. And now? Now I have a hold button...and we are pleased. Now I have caller ID and voicemail, we are very amused. It took me about 10 minutes to set my voicemail because I had to remember that it's not a toy.

The little things people, they matter. They matter to me at least.

I'd like to be that straw

There is no significance to this post. I just wanted to share with everyone how hot Mila Kunis is (just in case anyone was unaware). Did you know Mila has two different eye colors? That's fucking weird...but I like it.

The stuff beautiful women can get away with. It's Amazing. Could you imagine some not so attractive woman with two different eye colors?

Guy 1 - Dude, did you see the new fat chick in logistics? She has two frickin eye colors.
Guy 2 - What is she a mutant?

[Mila Kunis walks in]

Guy 1 - Dude, Mila has two different eye colors!
Guy 2 - That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Guy 1 - I want her to have my children.

Mila is hot. I'm sorry Adriana, I'm just looking. I still love you, baby.

Morning after

I. Am. Very. Sleepy.



Yesterday was my birthday, whoop whoop. I spent the day thinking something will go wrong. Why? Something always goes wrong on my birthday for the past few years. Guess what? Nothing went wrong. Yesterday was glorious.

My coworkers took me out to my favorite Colombian restaurant. We had some great cocaine. Ok we didn’t. But we did have some great grub.







Bandeja paisa! It looks like a mess but it's delicious. If anyone knows a single Colombian woman who can cook, send her my way.

Then my friend gave me cupcakes with a Ninja Turtle inside. Why? Because Donatello was the brains of the operation. That's why.



Then my coworkers got a cake for me with some ice cream. Ice cream. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Crazy people, that’s who. It was chocolate and vanilla for the record.


Then I went out with some of my friends here:



I wish I could've invited more people but it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I didn't want people driving all over the place during the wee hours of the night on a Wednesday. But that's when all the magic happens, Wednesdays. Make a note of that.

Thanks to all those that gave me birthday shouts, I appreciate it.

PS: Credit to Sasha for the pic of mini-Cruz

Go shawty...

I was thinking about a thousand and one things last night. I was cleaning out some stuff and came across a movie stub I kept from the first date I went on with my ex. That got me thinking about my first date with another ex.

I picked up my ex-ex (we’ll call her Sheeba) in a limousine. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. Ok maybe it’s a little funny. I have no idea what possessed me to do that. It baffles me to this day. Sheeba would always tell me that the limo concept was not corny that she loved it. Even after we broke up she stuck with her story.

I met Sheeba on myspace. Ok now you may laugh. We talked for a pretty long time until one day I thought why don’t we umm actually meet? She agreed and the limo was reserved. So cheesy, my goodness.

I decided to drive over to South Beach and park my car in a garage near by the restaurant. The garage was about 7 blocks away from the restaurant and I had a bouquet of flowers with me. I had to hear whistles and ‘awws’ and light giggling for those 7 blocks from people on the strip. I get to the restaurant and notice the driver is late. I then reenacted a scene from True Life: I’m getting Married when that Jersey guy threatens the limo driver, “I’M GONNA GUT YOU LIKE A FISH IF YOU DON’T GET HERE IN 5 MINUTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!” Ok that didn’t happen. But he was a few minutes late.

Finally we arrive at her house and this happens:

Me – I’m outside
Sheeba – I don’t see your car. What the fuck is a limo doing outside my house?
[the driver opens my door]
[Burst of laugher from sheeba]

Then Sheeba’s mom pokes her head out of the front door with a huge smile. What a cheesy idea. We went back to the restaurant for some damn good grub, walked around the beach, went to Coconut Grove, went to Key Biscayne, and topped it off at a BP gas station. Sexy.

PS: It's a celebration!

I heart May

See ya there.

Stay tuned for pics.

Ay Caramba!

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Sound the horns! Cinco de Mayo marks the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla long, long ago.

Why am I so happy? Beats me. Mexicans don't even celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I just love celebrations. I love any excuse to drink. Ignore that last sentence.

I'm not a Mexican, I'm a Mexicant. Ok I'm neither but I will do my part today by eating a burrito or two. I'm not promising anything but I will try to take pics with a donkey. I won't pin his tail but I might speak to him/her with a Mike Myers accent.

This weekend was filled with excess blood, staples, sports, lemon juice and ponderings. I might just be the only person on this side of the Mason Dixon line that is glad that the weekend is over.

I have a date tonight with Tequila.

Not this Tequila...

...yes, this Tequila.

Drink Responsibly ; )

Sherman Hemsley

Scenario: you’re just coming back from your lunch break at work. You sit down at your desk and then it hits you. That’s right folks, it’s #2 time. Everyone does it at one point or another at work. Don’t act like you haven’t.

So I ru--walk over to the restroom chanting in my head, “Please be empty, please be empty”. I open the door and YES! EMPTY!

I give myself a mental high five and did the George Jefferson all the way over to the handicap stall. Why the handicap stall? Because it has its own separate sink, it's own separate mirror, and there’s a bunch of free space that allows me to pace back and forth if I felt like it.

So I’ve set up the toilet seat with 1,000 pounds of toilet tissue when suddenly some guy walks in. FUCK. I yelled out FUCK (inside my head) and punched the wall (also inside my head). Then I couldn’t go for some reason. I guess I got stage fright?

Note to ladies: it only happens during #2 !

Back to the jackass. I could hear every single fucking step he took with his loud shoes. He took about 5 steps and then I heard nothing. There was a 3 to 6 second pause. Then he started using the sink area that’s located in the front of the restroom. He uses it for about a minute and a half. That is way too long! It doesn't take a minute and a half to wash your hands. Then he goes over to dry his hands. This fucker doesn’t use paper towels, oh no-no-no. He’s environly-friendly, he uses the fucking hand dryer.

I don’t know about you but I don’t like this. If someone is doing #2 – get out of the restroom as soon as possible. GET OUT. This is not a time to linger around. You’re bored? Go to the lounge and look at an issue of US Weekly.

Jackass finished drying his hands a minute later and apparently he now has to use the restroom. What the fuck. You just washed and dried your hands!! I repeat, WHAT THE FUCK.

So I hear him unzip, piss, the pissing stops and he jumps up and down, he zips up, and pauses for a good 10 seconds. At this point I’m ready to give this guy a swirly.
He then goes and washed his hands for the second time. That’s way too many times for one trip. He goes to dry his hands and FINALLY he fucking leaves.

I don’t know who you are, mystery jackass man. But I got a positive I.D. on your shoes and I will go for a little walk around the building with a notepad taking notes. Im going to find you. And when I do…you’re going to get a fucking swirly.

Farewell

This will be the last post on Subterfuge. Yes, you did read that last sentence correctly.

I don’t have the time or the effort to continue posting my life away on a web site that very few people even know exist.

I let everything out on this blog. Everything I post is true. Yet no one in my close circle of friends even know that I blog (with the exception of a few / maybe a hand full). Some of my friends don't even know what a blog is. Some of them probably would be shocked at the notion of me reading let alone blogging.

Friend – What’s that in your hand?
Me – A book.
Friend – Like…to read?
Me – No, it keeps my hands warm.

Dick.

I want to thank those who stopped by every now and then and left a nice feedback or two. I’d also like to thank the ones that left feedback on certain post that made me wonder why the fuck they tried in the first place. Dramatization:

[Post topic is about dead babies]

[Person leaves a comment: your blog is awesome! ;p

Get out. Get out and don’t come back. Don't worry about closing the door, just leave. If you don’t have anything to say about the post…don’t comment? If your comment has no relevancy whatsoever then just click away. You aren’t obligated to comment…so…don’t? Ok? Got it? Great. Cool.

So today will be the last day at Subterfuge. I will delete the site and go on my separate way.

PS: Everything I said above is a lie. Sorry, I was bored...Happy Thursday!