You know how you're gay?

Doesn’t it feel good when you're at an unfamiliar venue and a song you like plays randomly on the jukebox? Yes, right? Who doesn’t! Maybe the Amish. But they don’t read blogs anyway so it’s all good. I hope. (If you’re on Rumspringa and read my blog - I’m so sorry)

I went to a party recently at Diddy’s house and had a few drinks and some awesome Bar-B-Q ribs. One out of those three is a lie. We didn’t have ribs at Diddy’s. OK enough lying, I was at a pub in Downtown Miami.



I’m sitting and watching Dan Uggla with his stupid Popeye arms hit a home run on one of the 97 TVs at the bar and suddenly Viva La Vida by Coldplay blast throughout the bar.

First of all, is this the kind of music that is supposed to be playing at bars? When I think of bar music I envision Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin or Hypnotize by Notorious BIG. I love it when they call me Big Papa, throw your hands in the-–Okay, you get the point.

These are the things I expect from bars:
-Vast selection of liquor.
-Pool tables.
-At least one hot goth chick.
-A Chinese man saying racial slurs as a form of a greeting.
-Mathew Mcconaughey hanging out front.

These are the things I don’t expect to be at bars:
-Babies.
-Merry-go-rounds.
-Coldplay music.

Also, anything from Seal.

I’m not bashing Coldplay at all. And I'd sing Kiss From a Rose at any karaoke. I just think its unusual hearing these type of songs at a bar. And I am not talking about some trendy hipster spot. I'm talking about a bar. Sports. Drinks. Smoke. Insecure men looking to start trouble!

You’re hanging out playing some pool and suddenly you hear:

‘Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard’

This does not make me want to break. It makes me want to put my cue stick down and sulk in the corner in the fetal position. Alone. In the dark.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Coldplay. And now everyone at the spot Downtown knows this as well because, you see, I was tipsy and I like to sing while I’m on the sauce. It’s a very liberating experience. I recommend it. Although, don’t blame me if the guy/girl you’re fond of loses interest in you after your performance.

Not sexy.

People suck a lot

So this is what my generation has come to?

Self-proclaimed superstars and this ingenuous thirst for fame? Accomplish something first THEN we'll talk about you being that superstar you claim to be.

Maybe if you were indeed actually famous...someone might want to fuck you. But at the moment? No, sorry. You might want to cool it with the 'Fuck Me I'm Famous' debacle.

I love the fact that most people have a blog nowadays. By love I mean loathe. I hate when I reveal I have a blog to someone and have to hear, "Oh god, you blog now too?" Yes. I've been doing so before you thought it was cool too, got it?

Generation Y stinks.

If you need me I'll be at the back of the room in the party pooper section being grumpy.

Bridges are cool

My friend told me to dedicate a post to her. 

"Is she your girlfriend?" No.

"If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" Maybe? Sure, why not. Is there a body of water down there? Sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm bored at work and she caught me in a good mood, okay?

Her name is Jessica. I met Jess a while back on MySpace. I've met way too many people on MySpace. But isn’t that the point of MySpace? Social Networking? I wonder who holds the record for meeting the most people from MySpace? I currently stand at 8 people. I'm sure Tom has me beat.

I wonder who holds the record for the most time a person deleted their MySpace account? I deleted mine once. I think I got Tom there (suck it, Tom!). I shouldn’t have deleted my account but I was trying to show my loyalty to my girlfriend at the time and blah, blah.

It felt as if I was the star of a mediocre sitcom where everyone found the main character's poor life decisions as comedic gold.

Me - I'll prove to you it's all about you, FUCK MYSPACE, I’ll delete it right now! THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY!

[Deletes profile] 

[A roar of laughter comes from the audience]

Ah, those were the days.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jess. She is my number one fan. But why you ask? Because I’m an awesome artist. I could sketch an identical replica of a persons face with blood on concrete. That was a lie. But I am trying to make this graphic design thing work. She supports me as an artist and needless to say I’m very grateful. For at least one person to genuinely like my stuff = priceless. So this post is for you Jessica! You owe me $22.50. Cash only.

Who's your daddy?

You know what’s fucking weird? Sit back and listen (read, shut up).

Let me take you back to a strange day in the life of a young Mr. Cruz. I was about 11 or 12 years old and on summer break. I went over to my neighbor Corey's house to hang out for a bit. I walk into my friend’s room and he’s watching a porno with another friend of ours. I see boobies and I’m like...COOL. You just kind of stare at that age. You don’t know what’s going on…but you like it. You don’t know why you like it…but you just do. It’s like we're are pre-programmed to like porn or something? Or not.

As we continued watching, I kept wondering to myself why was a lady sleeping next to the couple which were having sex? The dude was showing the blonde his O-face while another lady next to them was sound asleep with a mask over her eyes. Then something disturbing happened.

The female begins to moan and the guy says, "Shhh...you'll wake your mother, honey" - Strike one.

Then the blonde replies, "Okay, daddy" - Strike 2.

Then the blonde says, "You're the best, dad" - STRIKE 3!

They were watching incest porn! YES, INCEST. It was a VHS tape of some type of family role-playing kind of shenanigans? It’s fucking disturbing when I think back about it. Why the fuck didn’t any one of us say anything while watching it? We just watched it like it was a casual thing. Like if this shit is normal. Like if we were sitting around watching Cool World and drinking kool-aid. But there was no Kool-aid. Only hardcore incest filth!

Guy – Hey dude, whats up?

Guy 2 – Not much. Just drinking a beer, watching some girl go down on her blood brother.

Guy – Aww man, sweet! What channel!?

Where did they get the porn tape from!? How do a couple of kids grab their hands on an incest flick? Did one of my friends have some freaky ass parents who were into this? The parents of my friend with the tape are black Southern country folk. These incest devils were white. So many questions! I wished I would've asked these questions but I never spoke to my friends about that day ever again. I pretended as if it never happened. It was literally the only porno the three of us every watched together. Hell, I’ve never even told anyone about this until now. It needed to be let out. The truth will set you free!

Not really. It just reminds me of some weird twelve-year-olds.

ASL?

 

I got my first computer when I was 13. Like everyone else at the time, we had dial up internet. I had AOL. It took about a minute and a half to get online and have everything fully loaded. I used to get so pissed off whenever an incoming call would screw up my connection and kick me offline.

[Get’s kicked offline]

Me – MOM! Tell Gia (grandma) you’ll call her back in an hour!

Thank goodness for high-speed internet. My cousin from Orlando came to visit one day and introduced me to the AOL chat rooms and I quickly became addicted. I never did it with the intentions of meeting anyone. I would just chat at times when I was stuck at home with nothing to do...which was often.

I used to lie through my teeth in chat rooms. I was a 13 year old kid with red hair...not interesting. Instead I told everyone I was a 17 year old breakdancing DJ that lived with his older brother. Interesting! I also had my own car in this fantasy. I was cool and pathetic at the same time.

My AOL screen name was MYSTIKAL2000GANJA. What.THE.Fuck. How did I come up with that name? Why? The younger version of me scares the ba-Jesus out of me. It’s sad that I thought that that was cool. Cool how?? I don't know!. I never even tried ganja at that point of my life. Why was it in my name?

Why Mystikal? For those that don’t know/remember, he's this guy:

He disappeared from stardom due to his incarceration for raping an old lady. Class act. Why did I choose Mystikal? Fuck if I know. He has never been my favorite rapper so that is out the question. Once again with the reoccurring theme on my blog: I am retarded.

I chatted with so many weirdoes in the online world. I had a who’s who of pathological liars on my buddy list. I didn’t know who were real and fake. I remember befriending this one girl in particular, Aleksandra. She lived in Utah. I met her when I was 13 (17 online) and she was 12 (15 online). She sent me fake pics, I sent her fake pics and we both ate up each other lies. Fast forward to a boring night in 2005 and I decided to see if she still had the same screen name on AOL (it’s a catchy name, hard to forget) and she did! I sent her a message and this is pretty much how it went: 

Me – Hey Aleks, it’s me Alex (oh yeah, I told her my name was Alex)

Aleks – Alex?

Me – Yeah, the DJ from Miami with the big yellow bus (...don’t ask)

Aleks – WTF ALEX?!?!

Then I went on to confess my lies. Then we exchanged MySpace links and it turns out that she isn’t such a bad looking chick, she’s very cute. I remember not talking to her for a bit because I was in a relationship and didn’t log into MySpace much. Then she deleted me. I think it was one of those deals when a person puts up a bulletin stating: “I’M DELETING PEOPLE. IF YOU DON’T SEND ME A MESSAGE, I WILL DELETE YOU.” I read the message one night and didn’t think she’d delete me if I didn’t send her a message but she ended up deleting me. It would have been cool to meet her in person. Reminisce about the hilarity of our online life, catch up on the present, and make out for a few hours. I’m sure she’d be down for two out of 3.

I'm a moron

I dropped off my friend at his house. I searched all over my car for my cell phone and couldn't find it.

I call my friend.

Me - Hey...I can't find my phone, dude.
Friend - Are you serious?
Me - Yeah
[Slight pause]
Friend - Hey, dumbass?
Me - Huh?
Friend - How do you think you're talking to me right now?

This. really. happened.

I'm retarded.

Mic check 1,2,1,2

My high school sucked big time.

The people I met during my 9th grade year were ok but they seemed like the last of the dying breed of interesting people because the next three years were painful.

I graduated back in 2004 and don't have any plans on going to any type of 'reunions' or whatnot. I got my diploma, took pics, and said PEACE BITCHES!

I know what some of you are thinking, "He was the geek that no one talked to!" Nah, not a geek. I wish I was. Maybe then I would've gotten into a better college. I just didn't connect with most of the people I went to school with. I had my group of friends but pretty much felt annoyed by most of the others.

A lot of them were into weird dancing. Swinging their arms back and forth and shit. Playing pretend baseball and making sandwiches or something? Big grown ass dudes tiptoeing around like MC Hammer's back up dancers. See the vid below for what the hell i'm talking about:



The song that plays around a minute into the vid that goes, "WHERE HE AT, WHERE HE AT? NOW THERE HE GO!" is the peanut butter jelly song. HATE. Hate is a very strong word. I hated this crap.

[Big kid starts dancing in the hall]
Me - The fuck is he doing?
Bystander - Peanut butter jelly dance!
Me - THE HELL?
Bystander - YEAH NIGGAA!!!
Me - Does he use deodorant?

THEN i'm the outsider for not liking that shit! You see my pain? I had to see this shit everyday, EVERY fucking day.

Morning time = PB&J dance.
Lunch time = PB&J dance.
Go to the restroom to do #1 = PB&J dance.
After school = GO HOME!! Stop dancing!!

Whatever.

An old friend I went to school with recently sent me a friend request on myspace and I noticed some people I used to know on his page. It turns out that 98.4% of the people I knew in high school are now rappers. Go figure.

Everyone is a rapper nowadays. Hell my mother raps, her MC name is Mama T (Teresa). What's the worst part of all this? THEY SUCK. They all suck. I'm not a hater, I give props when it's due. But these guys all talk about the same redundant shit. Their songs are bullshit and lack substance. The most recent one I heard was something that went like, "WHAT THEY DO!?" or something like that. I don't know what they do...you tell me.

Another one started off with, "As I walk in the club"...really!? This line, again? How many times do I have to hear about somebody walking in the club? If you're gonna start off like that - make it interesting at least!

"As I walk in the club, midget titties were shaking"...

Jackasses. Go get a job, read a book, and put the mic down.

I'll take annoying people for $200, Alex

This has not been a good week...people wise.

1. The economy is getting worse and worse (we all know that by now). We were told to find ways we could save money at work by our union reps. Each of us were given a sheet with a bunch of empty spaces to share our ideas. I filled the entire page. And you know what the sad part is? They'll just brush it to the side and won’t even consider my proposals because nothing ever gets done the right way at my job. Everything is backwards. Fuck my job.

2. I could create a separate blog dedicated to the ridiculousness that is my work life. A vendor requested an RFQ (request for qualifications) for a certain city project the other day. This is how the conversation over the phone went:

Guy (broken English) - Hallo? Jes, is this the place where I get de RFQ?
Me - For which project, sir?
Guy - oz-moses---
Me - ...Reverse osmosis, sir?
Guy - jes, jes!
Me - I could email it to you if you provide me with an email address.
Guy - Email? uh... (Apparently I asked him to spell monofluorophosphate over the phone because he seemed baffled)
Me - Or I could fax it to you if you’d like?
Guy - Could I pick it up?
Me - yes, sir.

Its 2008, who doesn’t have an email address? My little cousins in elementary school have email addresses. This situation bothers me more because this guy has his own company. How do you expect your business to flourish? I hate my position. I hate the people I have to deal with.

3. I had no idea I knew so many naive people. Most of my friends are over the age of 21 but lately I feel like I hang out with a bunch of 13 year olds. You’re killing me, Smalls. Grow up.

4. Rush Limbaugh inked a $400 million dollar contract. What THE fuck? What is the world coming to?

5. I was channel surfing and noticed Carlos Mencia is back? They gave him another season? HE IS NOT FUNNY!

6. Kids on my block were lighting up fireworks this past Monday (the 30th) and Tuesday (the 1st)...at 4 in the fucking morning. I remember being a kid; I remember lighting fireworks in the street, good times. But not at 4am on a fucking Monday. It got to a point where I went outside with my bat but they were pretty far down the road. I could hear their shitty fireworks as if it was right on my lawn but they were about a block down. Save it for the 4th, bitches!! I need to sleep!

I'm just grumpy at the moment, don't mind me.

Oh yeah, Happy Independence day!

R.I.P. Tim Russert

A huge lost to not only his family and friends but to politics as well. He will never be forgotten. His legacy will continue forever.

Myspizzle

I've been procrastinating all afternoon. Where does procrastination lead to? Myspace. I went into my inbox and took a trip down memory lane and went back to message #1 on myspace which dates back a few years. I came across a few messages I wanted to share:

(click to enlarge the pics)
Another Radames sighting. At least this guy wasn't gay...I think?


I get hit on by younger girls a lot...why? Weird ones too.


This chick had potential at the time. Everything went smooth until we hung out. Boring ass chick. Now I know that every time she agreed with me online was bullshit. Had no opinion on...nothing basically.


I'm the white Lloyd Banks apparently.


I have no fucking clue what this message was about...till this day. I messaged this guy back and he never replied. It's kind of hilarious though


'The guitar guy at church' -has to be one of the greatest all time self-descriptions.

3 bears

I went over to the beach Friday for the 3 bears dunny release. Well more like 2 bears? I was told only two of the three artist were showing up (damn it).

My partner in crime


I think I'd be a pretty good mannequin


The line wasn't so bad


I got interviewed by this guy


Why was my mouth open? Good question.


This guy's bumper was destroyed in the parking garage


He's going to want to stab someone.


Awesome weather for standing in line for an hour or two. No sun whatsoever.


The goodies


High fives for everyone


TADO // ILOVEDUST






Until next time kiddies, peace out. How come no one ever says peace in?

Epic

I like pranks. Who doesn't? Well apparently my co-worker doesn't.

It used to be just the 3 of us (we could make it if we try) when our office was located on the 3rd floor. The three of us consist of myself, another male and a female. We'll call them Saunder and Becky.

I suggested pulling a prank on Becky to Saunder (he loved the idea) while Becky is gone on vacation. I wanted to put sticky notes all over her desk...you know...stupid small stuff. But the small stuff lead to this:





We did the following:

- Hid her plants, vanity mirror (Saunder's idea), and desk figurines
- Disassemble her chair (Saunder's idea)
- Outlined her work area with caution tape
- Disconnected her mouse and keyboard(Saunder's idea)
- We left a note on her chair but I don't remember what it said
- Connected a bunch of paperclips to create a hanging loop and taped them alongside the bottom of her desk

Two things of note:
1. Pay attention to the pictures (click to enlarge). She hated her name plate. She always kept it inside one of her desk drawers. We took out the name plate and taped it to her desk.

2. She has a dog named Toby who is like a son to her. She loves him dearly. We hung her stuffed toy dog from the ceiling over her desk. I must admit...that was kind of cruel. Could you imagine if we would have left the sticky note that said R.I.P attached to the toy? That would've earned us a kick in the groin or two.

What did she do when she came back from vacation? She cried. I'm glad I came in late. I didn't see her wrath, I didn't experience it. This is what happened when I came in:

Boss - I'm disappointed in you guys.
Me - What happened?
Boss - You made her cry; she's pissed.
Me - ...Umm...Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss - No..

We put everything back. She was pretty upset but eventually she got over it.

I rule with Pikachu

I enjoy the simple things in life. I spent about 4 hours last night playing this with a bunch of grown men:



This is what we do. We don’t tote guns and rob liquor stores. We play sports and hang out. We don't look for trouble and cite riots. We play Smash Brothers and Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, yes, N64. I guess we could all purchase Wii's or PS3's but the integrity isnt the same. We all get that nostalgic feeling whenever we're not playing the N64.

I took some time off from work and came back this morning to this:



It might not look like much to the average person but coming from a guy that dealt with this for the past two years:



It’s awesome.

I've had a 1972 phone ever since I started working for my employer while everyone else had AT LEAST a phone that had a call-hold button. I work for the government, not Google. I don't get cool toys like this:



I thought it was some sort of 'hazing the new guy' phase I had to go through but apparently not. I had maybe the worst phone in Miami. And now? Now I have a hold button...and we are pleased. Now I have caller ID and voicemail, we are very amused. It took me about 10 minutes to set my voicemail because I had to remember that it's not a toy.

The little things people, they matter. They matter to me at least.

I'd like to be that straw

There is no significance to this post. I just wanted to share with everyone how hot Mila Kunis is (just in case anyone was unaware). Did you know Mila has two different eye colors? That's fucking weird...but I like it.

The stuff beautiful women can get away with. It's Amazing. Could you imagine some not so attractive woman with two different eye colors?

Guy 1 - Dude, did you see the new fat chick in logistics? She has two frickin eye colors.
Guy 2 - What is she a mutant?

[Mila Kunis walks in]

Guy 1 - Dude, Mila has two different eye colors!
Guy 2 - That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Guy 1 - I want her to have my children.

Mila is hot. I'm sorry Adriana, I'm just looking. I still love you, baby.

Morning after

I. Am. Very. Sleepy.



Yesterday was my birthday, whoop whoop. I spent the day thinking something will go wrong. Why? Something always goes wrong on my birthday for the past few years. Guess what? Nothing went wrong. Yesterday was glorious.

My coworkers took me out to my favorite Colombian restaurant. We had some great cocaine. Ok we didn’t. But we did have some great grub.







Bandeja paisa! It looks like a mess but it's delicious. If anyone knows a single Colombian woman who can cook, send her my way.

Then my friend gave me cupcakes with a Ninja Turtle inside. Why? Because Donatello was the brains of the operation. That's why.



Then my coworkers got a cake for me with some ice cream. Ice cream. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Crazy people, that’s who. It was chocolate and vanilla for the record.


Then I went out with some of my friends here:



I wish I could've invited more people but it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I didn't want people driving all over the place during the wee hours of the night on a Wednesday. But that's when all the magic happens, Wednesdays. Make a note of that.

Thanks to all those that gave me birthday shouts, I appreciate it.

PS: Credit to Sasha for the pic of mini-Cruz

Go shawty...

I was thinking about a thousand and one things last night. I was cleaning out some stuff and came across a movie stub I kept from the first date I went on with my ex. That got me thinking about my first date with another ex.

I picked up my ex-ex (we’ll call her Sheeba) in a limousine. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. Ok maybe it’s a little funny. I have no idea what possessed me to do that. It baffles me to this day. Sheeba would always tell me that the limo concept was not corny that she loved it. Even after we broke up she stuck with her story.

I met Sheeba on myspace. Ok now you may laugh. We talked for a pretty long time until one day I thought why don’t we umm actually meet? She agreed and the limo was reserved. So cheesy, my goodness.

I decided to drive over to South Beach and park my car in a garage near by the restaurant. The garage was about 7 blocks away from the restaurant and I had a bouquet of flowers with me. I had to hear whistles and ‘awws’ and light giggling for those 7 blocks from people on the strip. I get to the restaurant and notice the driver is late. I then reenacted a scene from True Life: I’m getting Married when that Jersey guy threatens the limo driver, “I’M GONNA GUT YOU LIKE A FISH IF YOU DON’T GET HERE IN 5 MINUTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!” Ok that didn’t happen. But he was a few minutes late.

Finally we arrive at her house and this happens:

Me – I’m outside
Sheeba – I don’t see your car. What the fuck is a limo doing outside my house?
[the driver opens my door]
[Burst of laugher from sheeba]

Then Sheeba’s mom pokes her head out of the front door with a huge smile. What a cheesy idea. We went back to the restaurant for some damn good grub, walked around the beach, went to Coconut Grove, went to Key Biscayne, and topped it off at a BP gas station. Sexy.

PS: It's a celebration!

I heart May

See ya there.

Stay tuned for pics.

Ay Caramba!

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Sound the horns! Cinco de Mayo marks the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla long, long ago.

Why am I so happy? Beats me. Mexicans don't even celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I just love celebrations. I love any excuse to drink. Ignore that last sentence.

I'm not a Mexican, I'm a Mexicant. Ok I'm neither but I will do my part today by eating a burrito or two. I'm not promising anything but I will try to take pics with a donkey. I won't pin his tail but I might speak to him/her with a Mike Myers accent.

This weekend was filled with excess blood, staples, sports, lemon juice and ponderings. I might just be the only person on this side of the Mason Dixon line that is glad that the weekend is over.

I have a date tonight with Tequila.

Not this Tequila...

...yes, this Tequila.

Drink Responsibly ; )

Sherman Hemsley

Scenario: you’re just coming back from your lunch break at work. You sit down at your desk and then it hits you. That’s right folks, it’s #2 time. Everyone does it at one point or another at work. Don’t act like you haven’t.

So I ru--walk over to the restroom chanting in my head, “Please be empty, please be empty”. I open the door and YES! EMPTY!

I give myself a mental high five and did the George Jefferson all the way over to the handicap stall. Why the handicap stall? Because it has its own separate sink, it's own separate mirror, and there’s a bunch of free space that allows me to pace back and forth if I felt like it.

So I’ve set up the toilet seat with 1,000 pounds of toilet tissue when suddenly some guy walks in. FUCK. I yelled out FUCK (inside my head) and punched the wall (also inside my head). Then I couldn’t go for some reason. I guess I got stage fright?

Note to ladies: it only happens during #2 !

Back to the jackass. I could hear every single fucking step he took with his loud shoes. He took about 5 steps and then I heard nothing. There was a 3 to 6 second pause. Then he started using the sink area that’s located in the front of the restroom. He uses it for about a minute and a half. That is way too long! It doesn't take a minute and a half to wash your hands. Then he goes over to dry his hands. This fucker doesn’t use paper towels, oh no-no-no. He’s environly-friendly, he uses the fucking hand dryer.

I don’t know about you but I don’t like this. If someone is doing #2 – get out of the restroom as soon as possible. GET OUT. This is not a time to linger around. You’re bored? Go to the lounge and look at an issue of US Weekly.

Jackass finished drying his hands a minute later and apparently he now has to use the restroom. What the fuck. You just washed and dried your hands!! I repeat, WHAT THE FUCK.

So I hear him unzip, piss, the pissing stops and he jumps up and down, he zips up, and pauses for a good 10 seconds. At this point I’m ready to give this guy a swirly.
He then goes and washed his hands for the second time. That’s way too many times for one trip. He goes to dry his hands and FINALLY he fucking leaves.

I don’t know who you are, mystery jackass man. But I got a positive I.D. on your shoes and I will go for a little walk around the building with a notepad taking notes. Im going to find you. And when I do…you’re going to get a fucking swirly.

Farewell

This will be the last post on Subterfuge. Yes, you did read that last sentence correctly.

I don’t have the time or the effort to continue posting my life away on a web site that very few people even know exist.

I let everything out on this blog. Everything I post is true. Yet no one in my close circle of friends even know that I blog (with the exception of a few / maybe a hand full). Some of my friends don't even know what a blog is. Some of them probably would be shocked at the notion of me reading let alone blogging.

Friend – What’s that in your hand?
Me – A book.
Friend – Like…to read?
Me – No, it keeps my hands warm.

Dick.

I want to thank those who stopped by every now and then and left a nice feedback or two. I’d also like to thank the ones that left feedback on certain post that made me wonder why the fuck they tried in the first place. Dramatization:

[Post topic is about dead babies]

[Person leaves a comment: your blog is awesome! ;p

Get out. Get out and don’t come back. Don't worry about closing the door, just leave. If you don’t have anything to say about the post…don’t comment? If your comment has no relevancy whatsoever then just click away. You aren’t obligated to comment…so…don’t? Ok? Got it? Great. Cool.

So today will be the last day at Subterfuge. I will delete the site and go on my separate way.

PS: Everything I said above is a lie. Sorry, I was bored...Happy Thursday!

Bullshit of all bullshit

I went out to Bed Bath and Beyond during my lunch break. Men shop there, ok?

So I'm at the checkout line and I see a box of gummy bears. I wanted it. But it was $1.49 (PLUS TAX) for the box. I could get (2) bigger bags in the hood for a buck. A BUCK. ONE DOLLAR. But I ended up coughing up two bucks for it.

Look how big the box is:

It takes up more than half of my keyboard. I'm thinking sweeeet, more candy for me! And do you see the triangle to the bottom left? Fat free, bitches! Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!

But!

I open the fucking box and this comes out:


A little fucking bag that is no bigger than my stapler. I gave up (2) bucks for this. And look closely...where the fuck are the rest of the reds? Why is there 9,000 oranges? I don't like orange, ok? Cut the shit and hook me up with more reds. Why don't they make bags that are filled with red and green gummy bears? Only red and green. That's the kind of world I want to live in.

The person/machine that filled this bag is an asshole.

Waiting for May

This month is taking forever, yet, the year has been flying by. We're almost half way through. I said almost, ok? I feel like it was yesterday that I knocked back half a bottle of Hennessy on New Year's Eve.

Weekend recap:

Went out with one of these and saw this. I can't wait for this to come out.

Watched this with a few of these.

Ate this [it wasn't all that]

Saw a lot of this

And got drooled on a lot. By who?

Max says hi [the bulldog].

Real World: Hollywood

Humans are fascinating creatures. The stuff that comes out of peoples mouths are down right hilarious sometimes. I meant that last sentence sarcastically. That's the problem with reading my blog. You can’t see the look on my face every time I get cynical.

I have to share what I saw last night. I saw this touching movie on the lifetime channel. It was about a young teen who becomes pregnant during her freshman year at high school. Ok that was a lie. It must’ve been a typo, a typo, a typo. Ok what I really watched was True Life: I'm an alcoholic. Again. But what made me laugh was a commercial for The Real World: Hollywood.

The one where Kimberly says to Brianna, "Ok let's not get ghetto."I actually LOL'd. My dog (mans best friend) looked at me as if I were yodeling or something.

That commercial sucked me in so I ended up watching the show from the beginning. Here is what I think about the cast so far:

Brianna - Initial reaction: is she black? Come on I know I’m not the only one with that question! Hmm she's a stripper, eh? What kind of strip club does she work for? She looks like a stripper that works Tuesday and Wednesdays, day shift. She's not getting any of my Washington’s.

Joey - Dude is scary huge. Which is more frightening: his hair or his muscles? Is there a reason for being that big besides tossing pianos around? He's too sensitive. "I've gotten my ass kicked since I was 2 years old" boo-hoo. Geez go cry about it. Now I see why you're so big, cry baby.

Will - Seems like an OK guy, kind of corny but then again who knows what type of person he is when the camera is off. I don’t know which is worst: someone that says dude every five seconds or someone who says 'that’s wassup' every five seconds? Cut it out, Will.

Dave - Seems like a good wingman. Yes, men are that desperate. Fuck what your girl roommates think. Go after boobers, let her in the house! He's OK. Try to keep your penis in your pants though.

Kimberly - Super racist, cute, but super racist.

I like Greg...so far. Why? Because he keeps it real damn it. He doesn’t put on a show in front of strangers let alone a national audience. He likes messing with people. He reminds me of myself. I agree with him, there are no hot women in the house. There are some cute females but nothing serious. I love how the camera shows all the shots Greg missed on the basketball court. Symbolism on MTV? No!?

Sarah - Seems to suffer from little Ms. Princess Syndrome. She is probably the most annoying person in the house. She cheated on her boyfriend after the 1st day. Technically...doesn’t her boyfriend have to go hunt down Will now? For those has not seen this episode yet: Sarah's geeky boyfriend takes off his prescription glasses and says, "If any guy out there messes with my girl, i'll hunt you down and kick your ass"

In that case:
Will - 1
Sarah Bf - 0

I could be wrong though. Don’t judge a book by its cover, kiddies. Her bf looks like a charter member of Oprah's book club but ultimate fighting could be one of his hobbies for all we know. You can't blame Will though! It's all Sarah's punk ass fault. Whore. Classic problem with the 18-21 year old female demographic.

Episode 2 recap:

-It's one thing to be goofy on your birthday and it’s another thing to invite random guys to your house when you have a boyfriend, Sarah. Dumb ass. She might have caught herpes if it wasn’t for Joey scaring the guy off.

-Did anyone notice how much smaller the guy that Joey arm wrestled was? He beat Joey what...3 times? Joe's a head case. Run away when he drinks, run!

-Inner-city-blacksville? Wowzers. Kim has to be the most racist cast member ever. Jesse Jackson would be yelling at the screen if he watched this episode.

Notice how long commercials last? Not long at all. I'm shocked!

I guess I’ll continue watching. I haven’t watched The Real World since the Las Vegas season. You know what I want to see for once? A chick that isn’t so easy. Come on MTV, Surprise me! But then again prude chick’s doesn’t equal to high ratings. Damn it. Stay tuned next week for when I bash Tila Tequila.

You the king of forest?

Remember this?

Apparently this happens in real life...kind of.

So i'm at a lounge last night chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool. I'm drinking like a fish. Wait a second. Do fish drink water? Someone please google it and let me know, thanks.

Where was I? Oh yea I was drinking like Carmelo Anthony. I needed to pay the water bill so I ran (power walked) to the rest room. There are 9 urinals in the men's room and 4 enclosed toilets. Counting from left to right, I went to urinal #2. I unzip and...ahhh. Priceless. Is there a better feeling than that release?

Anyway, so I'm letting it out and some guy walks in coughing and hawks up a loogie and spits it into the trash. Then guess where he goes to take a piss? Urinal number fucking 3. I kept cool and put a nasty frown on my face. The kind when:

-you're stuck behind someone at a toll booth who doesn't have a quarter and you have to wait for the toll lady to take down all their information.

-a cop pulls you over for being a minority in a bad neighborhood.
- back in 1994 you'd go to blockbuster to check out a new movie release...and it was fucking rented out. No more copies. How bad did you hate that?

Me - Dude! Blockbuster has Angels in the Outfield!
Friend - Sweeeeeeeet! Let's go!
Me [notices that they're out] - Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Let's burn this motherfucker down!

So I basically hugged the urinal until I finished urinating. As I walked over to wash my hands the guy says, "Hey-you know what time it is?" Fuck you, men don't speak to each in empty restrooms, OK? Wait until we're both outside and then you ask for the time. Ask me whatever you want outside, ask for the weather, who is the Dalai Lama, I don't know...a fucking algebraic equation. Just don't ask me inside the restroom unless we're both waiting to wash/dry our hands. be kind to the environment, dry your hands ; )

Happy Earth Day. Now go hug a tree.

No goose if you don't get loose

I just had the most amazing weekend ever. It was filled with drugs, sex, midgets, and money. Ok two of those four are lies. The opening line is a lie too, my weekend sucked. I became an alcoholic, had an intervention, and conquered alcoholism all in a 3 day span!
It began Friday night. I finished some business I had to take care of and needed a drink. We were out of Sunny Delight so I chose the next best thing: Goose.A sip led to a gulp and that led to me making it rain on myself. Yes, myself. I love this stuff more than Russians do.

I went to a little event on Saturday morning and guess what I had for breakfast? Eggo Waffles. You thought I was going to say Grey Goose, didn’t you? Come on now. I’m not that much of a drunk. I had it for lunch.

My mother asked to borrow some money so I told her to go ahead and get it from my secret stash in my room. Disclaimer: for those bloggers who has been to my home: I have no secret stash, don’t bother looking. I’ll stab you if you do.

So she goes into my room and finds an empty bottle of Goose. Great.

I get home later that Saturday to a living room filled with holy Christians. My mother actually set up a prayer session for me. She said quote, “I know you’re fighting with a lot of demons and we want you to know that we love you”. Very touchy moment. But demons? I mean I like Angel just as much as the next guy but those are the only demons in my life. Well they used to be in my life. I’m pretty sure the show was canceled years ago. I'm also pretty sure that I was the only guy to like that show.

Anyway, they gathered around me in a circle and began to pray. This one guy touched my shoulder and began yelling and I’m thinking goodness gracious...are they performing an exorcism on me? They all had their eyes shut and I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid in my life. But the praying and chanting stopped and I went to take a shower (good shower might I add).

I went to sleep and dreamt that I gave myself a mohawk. I don’t know what that symbolizes but I woke up and lost the need for alcohol.

This post has a bunch of exaggeration so believe with caution.

Happy Monday, biatches.