You know how you're gay?

Doesn’t it feel good when you're at an unfamiliar venue and a song you like plays randomly on the jukebox? Yes, right? Who doesn’t! Maybe the Amish. But they don’t read blogs anyway so it’s all good. I hope. (If you’re on Rumspringa and read my blog - I’m so sorry)

I went to a party recently at Diddy’s house and had a few drinks and some awesome Bar-B-Q ribs. One out of those three is a lie. We didn’t have ribs at Diddy’s. OK enough lying, I was at a pub in Downtown Miami.



I’m sitting and watching Dan Uggla with his stupid Popeye arms hit a home run on one of the 97 TVs at the bar and suddenly Viva La Vida by Coldplay blast throughout the bar.

First of all, is this the kind of music that is supposed to be playing at bars? When I think of bar music I envision Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin or Hypnotize by Notorious BIG. I love it when they call me Big Papa, throw your hands in the-–Okay, you get the point.

These are the things I expect from bars:
-Vast selection of liquor.
-Pool tables.
-At least one hot goth chick.
-A Chinese man saying racial slurs as a form of a greeting.
-Mathew Mcconaughey hanging out front.

These are the things I don’t expect to be at bars:
-Babies.
-Merry-go-rounds.
-Coldplay music.

Also, anything from Seal.

I’m not bashing Coldplay at all. And I'd sing Kiss From a Rose at any karaoke. I just think its unusual hearing these type of songs at a bar. And I am not talking about some trendy hipster spot. I'm talking about a bar. Sports. Drinks. Smoke. Insecure men looking to start trouble!

You’re hanging out playing some pool and suddenly you hear:

‘Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard’

This does not make me want to break. It makes me want to put my cue stick down and sulk in the corner in the fetal position. Alone. In the dark.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Coldplay. And now everyone at the spot Downtown knows this as well because, you see, I was tipsy and I like to sing while I’m on the sauce. It’s a very liberating experience. I recommend it. Although, don’t blame me if the guy/girl you’re fond of loses interest in you after your performance.

Not sexy.

People suck a lot

So this is what my generation has come to?

Self-proclaimed superstars and this ingenuous thirst for fame? Accomplish something first THEN we'll talk about you being that superstar you claim to be.

Maybe if you were indeed actually famous...someone might want to fuck you. But at the moment? No, sorry. You might want to cool it with the 'Fuck Me I'm Famous' debacle.

I love the fact that most people have a blog nowadays. By love I mean loathe. I hate when I reveal I have a blog to someone and have to hear, "Oh god, you blog now too?" Yes. I've been doing so before you thought it was cool too, got it?

Generation Y stinks.

If you need me I'll be at the back of the room in the party pooper section being grumpy.

Bridges are cool

My friend told me to dedicate a post to her. 

"Is she your girlfriend?" No.

"If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" Maybe? Sure, why not. Is there a body of water down there? Sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm bored at work and she caught me in a good mood, okay?

Her name is Jessica. I met Jess a while back on MySpace. I've met way too many people on MySpace. But isn’t that the point of MySpace? Social Networking? I wonder who holds the record for meeting the most people from MySpace? I currently stand at 8 people. I'm sure Tom has me beat.

I wonder who holds the record for the most time a person deleted their MySpace account? I deleted mine once. I think I got Tom there (suck it, Tom!). I shouldn’t have deleted my account but I was trying to show my loyalty to my girlfriend at the time and blah, blah.

It felt as if I was the star of a mediocre sitcom where everyone found the main character's poor life decisions as comedic gold.

Me - I'll prove to you it's all about you, FUCK MYSPACE, I’ll delete it right now! THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY!

[Deletes profile] 

[A roar of laughter comes from the audience]

Ah, those were the days.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jess. She is my number one fan. But why you ask? Because I’m an awesome artist. I could sketch an identical replica of a persons face with blood on concrete. That was a lie. But I am trying to make this graphic design thing work. She supports me as an artist and needless to say I’m very grateful. For at least one person to genuinely like my stuff = priceless. So this post is for you Jessica! You owe me $22.50. Cash only.

Who's your daddy?

You know what’s fucking weird? Sit back and listen (read, shut up).

Let me take you back to a strange day in the life of a young Mr. Cruz. I was about 11 or 12 years old and on summer break. I went over to my neighbor Corey's house to hang out for a bit. I walk into my friend’s room and he’s watching a porno with another friend of ours. I see boobies and I’m like...COOL. You just kind of stare at that age. You don’t know what’s going on…but you like it. You don’t know why you like it…but you just do. It’s like we're are pre-programmed to like porn or something? Or not.

As we continued watching, I kept wondering to myself why was a lady sleeping next to the couple which were having sex? The dude was showing the blonde his O-face while another lady next to them was sound asleep with a mask over her eyes. Then something disturbing happened.

The female begins to moan and the guy says, "Shhh...you'll wake your mother, honey" - Strike one.

Then the blonde replies, "Okay, daddy" - Strike 2.

Then the blonde says, "You're the best, dad" - STRIKE 3!

They were watching incest porn! YES, INCEST. It was a VHS tape of some type of family role-playing kind of shenanigans? It’s fucking disturbing when I think back about it. Why the fuck didn’t any one of us say anything while watching it? We just watched it like it was a casual thing. Like if this shit is normal. Like if we were sitting around watching Cool World and drinking kool-aid. But there was no Kool-aid. Only hardcore incest filth!

Guy – Hey dude, whats up?

Guy 2 – Not much. Just drinking a beer, watching some girl go down on her blood brother.

Guy – Aww man, sweet! What channel!?

Where did they get the porn tape from!? How do a couple of kids grab their hands on an incest flick? Did one of my friends have some freaky ass parents who were into this? The parents of my friend with the tape are black Southern country folk. These incest devils were white. So many questions! I wished I would've asked these questions but I never spoke to my friends about that day ever again. I pretended as if it never happened. It was literally the only porno the three of us every watched together. Hell, I’ve never even told anyone about this until now. It needed to be let out. The truth will set you free!

Not really. It just reminds me of some weird twelve-year-olds.

ASL?

 

I got my first computer when I was 13. Like everyone else at the time, we had dial up internet. I had AOL. It took about a minute and a half to get online and have everything fully loaded. I used to get so pissed off whenever an incoming call would screw up my connection and kick me offline.

[Get’s kicked offline]

Me – MOM! Tell Gia (grandma) you’ll call her back in an hour!

Thank goodness for high-speed internet. My cousin from Orlando came to visit one day and introduced me to the AOL chat rooms and I quickly became addicted. I never did it with the intentions of meeting anyone. I would just chat at times when I was stuck at home with nothing to do...which was often.

I used to lie through my teeth in chat rooms. I was a 13 year old kid with red hair...not interesting. Instead I told everyone I was a 17 year old breakdancing DJ that lived with his older brother. Interesting! I also had my own car in this fantasy. I was cool and pathetic at the same time.

My AOL screen name was MYSTIKAL2000GANJA. What.THE.Fuck. How did I come up with that name? Why? The younger version of me scares the ba-Jesus out of me. It’s sad that I thought that that was cool. Cool how?? I don't know!. I never even tried ganja at that point of my life. Why was it in my name?

Why Mystikal? For those that don’t know/remember, he's this guy:

He disappeared from stardom due to his incarceration for raping an old lady. Class act. Why did I choose Mystikal? Fuck if I know. He has never been my favorite rapper so that is out the question. Once again with the reoccurring theme on my blog: I am retarded.

I chatted with so many weirdoes in the online world. I had a who’s who of pathological liars on my buddy list. I didn’t know who were real and fake. I remember befriending this one girl in particular, Aleksandra. She lived in Utah. I met her when I was 13 (17 online) and she was 12 (15 online). She sent me fake pics, I sent her fake pics and we both ate up each other lies. Fast forward to a boring night in 2005 and I decided to see if she still had the same screen name on AOL (it’s a catchy name, hard to forget) and she did! I sent her a message and this is pretty much how it went: 

Me – Hey Aleks, it’s me Alex (oh yeah, I told her my name was Alex)

Aleks – Alex?

Me – Yeah, the DJ from Miami with the big yellow bus (...don’t ask)

Aleks – WTF ALEX?!?!

Then I went on to confess my lies. Then we exchanged MySpace links and it turns out that she isn’t such a bad looking chick, she’s very cute. I remember not talking to her for a bit because I was in a relationship and didn’t log into MySpace much. Then she deleted me. I think it was one of those deals when a person puts up a bulletin stating: “I’M DELETING PEOPLE. IF YOU DON’T SEND ME A MESSAGE, I WILL DELETE YOU.” I read the message one night and didn’t think she’d delete me if I didn’t send her a message but she ended up deleting me. It would have been cool to meet her in person. Reminisce about the hilarity of our online life, catch up on the present, and make out for a few hours. I’m sure she’d be down for two out of 3.

I'm a moron

I dropped off my friend at his house. I searched all over my car for my cell phone and couldn't find it.

I call my friend.

Me - Hey...I can't find my phone, dude.
Friend - Are you serious?
Me - Yeah
[Slight pause]
Friend - Hey, dumbass?
Me - Huh?
Friend - How do you think you're talking to me right now?

This. really. happened.

I'm retarded.

Mic check 1,2,1,2

My high school sucked big time.

The people I met during my 9th grade year were ok but they seemed like the last of the dying breed of interesting people because the next three years were painful.

I graduated back in 2004 and don't have any plans on going to any type of 'reunions' or whatnot. I got my diploma, took pics, and said PEACE BITCHES!

I know what some of you are thinking, "He was the geek that no one talked to!" Nah, not a geek. I wish I was. Maybe then I would've gotten into a better college. I just didn't connect with most of the people I went to school with. I had my group of friends but pretty much felt annoyed by most of the others.

A lot of them were into weird dancing. Swinging their arms back and forth and shit. Playing pretend baseball and making sandwiches or something? Big grown ass dudes tiptoeing around like MC Hammer's back up dancers. See the vid below for what the hell i'm talking about:



The song that plays around a minute into the vid that goes, "WHERE HE AT, WHERE HE AT? NOW THERE HE GO!" is the peanut butter jelly song. HATE. Hate is a very strong word. I hated this crap.

[Big kid starts dancing in the hall]
Me - The fuck is he doing?
Bystander - Peanut butter jelly dance!
Me - THE HELL?
Bystander - YEAH NIGGAA!!!
Me - Does he use deodorant?

THEN i'm the outsider for not liking that shit! You see my pain? I had to see this shit everyday, EVERY fucking day.

Morning time = PB&J dance.
Lunch time = PB&J dance.
Go to the restroom to do #1 = PB&J dance.
After school = GO HOME!! Stop dancing!!

Whatever.

An old friend I went to school with recently sent me a friend request on myspace and I noticed some people I used to know on his page. It turns out that 98.4% of the people I knew in high school are now rappers. Go figure.

Everyone is a rapper nowadays. Hell my mother raps, her MC name is Mama T (Teresa). What's the worst part of all this? THEY SUCK. They all suck. I'm not a hater, I give props when it's due. But these guys all talk about the same redundant shit. Their songs are bullshit and lack substance. The most recent one I heard was something that went like, "WHAT THEY DO!?" or something like that. I don't know what they do...you tell me.

Another one started off with, "As I walk in the club"...really!? This line, again? How many times do I have to hear about somebody walking in the club? If you're gonna start off like that - make it interesting at least!

"As I walk in the club, midget titties were shaking"...

Jackasses. Go get a job, read a book, and put the mic down.

I'll take annoying people for $200, Alex

This has not been a good week...people wise.

1. The economy is getting worse and worse (we all know that by now). We were told to find ways we could save money at work by our union reps. Each of us were given a sheet with a bunch of empty spaces to share our ideas. I filled the entire page. And you know what the sad part is? They'll just brush it to the side and won’t even consider my proposals because nothing ever gets done the right way at my job. Everything is backwards. Fuck my job.

2. I could create a separate blog dedicated to the ridiculousness that is my work life. A vendor requested an RFQ (request for qualifications) for a certain city project the other day. This is how the conversation over the phone went:

Guy (broken English) - Hallo? Jes, is this the place where I get de RFQ?
Me - For which project, sir?
Guy - oz-moses---
Me - ...Reverse osmosis, sir?
Guy - jes, jes!
Me - I could email it to you if you provide me with an email address.
Guy - Email? uh... (Apparently I asked him to spell monofluorophosphate over the phone because he seemed baffled)
Me - Or I could fax it to you if you’d like?
Guy - Could I pick it up?
Me - yes, sir.

Its 2008, who doesn’t have an email address? My little cousins in elementary school have email addresses. This situation bothers me more because this guy has his own company. How do you expect your business to flourish? I hate my position. I hate the people I have to deal with.

3. I had no idea I knew so many naive people. Most of my friends are over the age of 21 but lately I feel like I hang out with a bunch of 13 year olds. You’re killing me, Smalls. Grow up.

4. Rush Limbaugh inked a $400 million dollar contract. What THE fuck? What is the world coming to?

5. I was channel surfing and noticed Carlos Mencia is back? They gave him another season? HE IS NOT FUNNY!

6. Kids on my block were lighting up fireworks this past Monday (the 30th) and Tuesday (the 1st)...at 4 in the fucking morning. I remember being a kid; I remember lighting fireworks in the street, good times. But not at 4am on a fucking Monday. It got to a point where I went outside with my bat but they were pretty far down the road. I could hear their shitty fireworks as if it was right on my lawn but they were about a block down. Save it for the 4th, bitches!! I need to sleep!

I'm just grumpy at the moment, don't mind me.

Oh yeah, Happy Independence day!