Why are people so lame? You see the nonsense going on in the picture above? A bunch of douchers waiting for an elevator. "I don't see the big idea" is what you might be saying to yourself. But picture trying to exit an elevator when you have 38 people standing DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE ELEVATOR DOOR.

Yes, 38. Suck it.

Everyday its the same Tom Foolery, never fails! There's always an asshole or two or TEN that thinks that they are the only souls inside of the building and that when they call an elevator to the lobby...oh it'll be empty. Then they have this confused look on their faces like, "Oh? There's people...what should I do? Get out of the way? No that makes way too much sense. My legs are locking up...I think I'll just stay in the middle of the way".

And some of these morons try to ENTER the elevator BEFORE the people that are ALREADY INSIDE THE ELEVATOR try to exit. What is this mess? What goes in must come out, people. I don't want to have to shuffle my way out of an elevator (unless I'm with Mike Ditka). I don't want to bump your shoulder on the way out. I don't even want to look at you on the way out.

But I have a solution to this madness. From now on I'm going to pretend that I'm this guy whenever I exit an elevator.



I'm going to lower my shoulder and drive next time there is a herd of morons blocking the elevator.

So there you have it, folks. Make room for people exiting an elevator or you might get truck sticked (AP style) by a random stranger on their way out. → 1 Comments                                         

See that? A pretty standard school zone sign.

Every morning I take this certain route to work. Somewhere in the middle of the route lies a school zone. I encounter at least ONE asshole per morning on my way to work. Anything worse than someone going over the speed limit through a school zone is the equally assholish bastard who decides to hold up traffic BEFORE the school zone even goes into effect!

The school zone I travel through is slightly different than the image above. The one I go through goes into effect from 8am - 9am. Everyday I get an asshole traveling 15MPH (even slower in some cases) in front of me...around 7:40am. SEVEN fucking FORTY AM. And it's only a two lane street. Where's a flamethrower when you need one? A guy actually had the balls to say something to me once. I sped around him and he eventually caught up to me at the light and said, "I hope you get pulled over. I really do". I replied, "get pulled over for what? Driving 40 MPH? The speed limit? When the school zone goes into effect 15 minutes from NOW. Fuck off". He gave me the finger and made a right turn. Pussy. → 0 Comments                                         

I got a new dog.



Her name is Jackie-O. Let's not get carried away with 'awws' or 'she's so cute'. She is a beast. Her style is impetuous, her defense is impregnable, and she's just ferocious. She wants your heart. She wants to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!



This picture is not doing her justice. OK maybe she's not a killer afterall.

...Yet.
→ 2 Comments                                         

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet: don't do business in the hood.

Fuck the hood.

I went to purchase a new phone recently <--sounds like a pretty simple process right? Wrong. I searched online for the nearest T-Mobile store in my area and sweet! There's one about 2 minutes away. So I head over and I'm greeted by a linebacker with gold grills. Something like this:



Linebacker - Whuss yo name?
Me - Rah-duh-mes.
Linebacker - Vladamir?
Me - What?
Me - RAHDUHMES.

I handed him my license so he could accurately input my address and umm...full name. Was that helpful? NOT. I found out he misspelled my name when I called customer service to find out why I'm being billed (3) fucking times for my first month bill. Oh yeah, I'm being billed (3) times. If you were in the North Miami area and heard someone yell, "WHAT THE FUCK?" - it was me.

So I'm trying to figure out how this mess was created and the representative tells me that Radames Cruz is not the primary account user's name.

-________________-

So I hung up and went to my.t-mobile.com and saw that my billing name was listed as "VLADIMIR CRUZ".

Sigh.
→ 1 Comments                                         

Parking - $10
Infield Box tickets - $8
Large Pepsi - $5
Experiencing your first walk off home run - PRICELESS.



PS: Yes, there were only about 200 people there. Shut up. → 2 Comments                                         

I love how my mother gets laid off from her job yet there's dozens of people at my job that:

-Can barely fucking speak (let alone read and write) English.

-Are afraid of emailing (two ladies have literally said that).

-Can barely perform a single fucking task.

How can English not be the first priority when choosing a new candidate for a position in the USA!? Did I doze off and wake in Cuba?

How can a person be afraid of emailing? This really happened:

Lady- Hey did you get more info for me?
Me - I sent it to your email two days ago.
Lady - Oh OK, I never check my emails.
Me - ...but why?
Lady - I'm afraid of that thing, I have no idea what to do with it.
Me - ..OK bye.

Microsoft Outlook is not a sea creature. It's a fucking email application. You don't have to tame, feed, pet, fear or be nice to it. Eh.

Daily task. Now listen, I don't work for NASA. We're not working with cutting edge technology, we're not working in quantum mechanics. For the people that I deal with - they're pretty much doing basic fucking paper work. Basic daily tasks.

For example, there's the case of the dumb cunt. A certain accounting procedure must have been explained to her at least 68 (literally) times because she always seems to forget. Then her classic response for the past 6 months is, "Oh--I'm sorry. I'm still new, I forgot". Really? We're not into the rocket science business. We're not brain storming new ideas for alternative fuel. A trained monkey could perform her duties. And performance evaluations mean SQUAT around here. An employee is never evaluated properly. The higher powers just gives off a satisfactory stamp of approval for his/her employee and the process is done in minutes. You smell that? Why yes, I do smell bullshit as well.

But this is the best part! One would think that these people would be nice, no, humble even - being that they're crippled by certain disadvantages. But no no, no. Most of them are snobby, bitchy, ignorant and feel like you owe them something just because they are older than you. I have no idea why these people get to keep their jobs.

Now back to mother. She worked in sales. She used to bring in awards after awards for being the highest seller of the month, quarter and sometimes year. At first it was new and exciting to her so she'd come home and show us her plaques with enthusiasm. After a while she started tossing them around the backseat of her car. She was good to say the least. BUT the current state of the economy could careless about how effective you were at your job. It could give a fuck less about how much money you made for a company. It.Doesnt.Care.

I think I'm done rambling. It just kills me knowing that she has to go job hunting again at her age. Then I look around at this place and get literally sick at the mess that I see. My forehead hurts from all the face palming. → 0 Comments                                         

You know when you start working out again after a long layoff and you feel like you're going to die? Awesome feeling.

I'm hitting the gym, chasing chickens, running with a log on my shoulders, doing sit ups while getting punched in the stomach - all that hoopla to get back into shape.

Why the sudden need for change? My health? Trying to bring sexyback? Nay. Halloween is only a few months away and I'm planning on being this guy for the occasion:



→ 2 Comments                                         

I'm sick at work and annoyed as usual.

Click email to enlarge:



1. STOP! Grammar time!



2. Oh snap! You can circle yes or no via email? Is this a new feature I didn't know about?

One more email:





Fuck yeah, cap locks! We made a truce: I'll practice the word respect if she promises to stop butchering the English language. → 5 Comments                                         

Have I said how much I love my job?

I love it.

Do you believe me?

I'll leave an email with you guys this morning.

Enjoy.



<3 this place. → 3 Comments                                         

I'm annoyed today. Only today? Yeah shut up.

I was going to write about Sneaker Pimps 2009 / Miami - which was a success. But instead I'm going to tell you about Captain Obvious and her crew of lackeys.

I work in the area of procurement. If you've been paying attention to my last few post you would see that I'm in charge of handling the pay on foot station that is located in our parking garage.

Fun!

The busiest days in the garage are Mondays and Tuesdays. It can be pretty hectic at times. Captain Obvious is the garage supervisor...I guess. If that's what you call supervising...then cool. I'll just refer to her as CO.

CO - Remember, today is Monday. Make sure everything is set.

Hmm...today is Monday? Thank goodness you reminded me, I thought Tuesday came after Sunday. I was so confused! Where would I be without you?

Usually I don't pay her any mind, I just ignore her and move along. But today is different. I think today was a surprise national holiday for idiots. And a big ceremony was held at my job location.

So today I don't see CO for most of the morning :)

But she catches me right after lunch and says this:

Captain Obvious - It's raining outside, I don't think a lot of people will be coming into the garage.
Me - Oh really?
Captain Obvious - Yes, it's weird because it's Monday. And Monday is our busiest day.
Me - Oh yeah?
Captain Obvious - Yeah.
She is sharp.

One of her lackeys also takes it upon herself to remind me every week that it is indeed Monday. I usually give out janitorial supplies to this woman once a week. When? Monday! SO today she sees me and says:

Lackey - Hey Radames, it's Monday...time for supplies.
Me - It's Monday?
Lackey - Yes.
Me - sigh.

If one more person tells me it's Monday...I will kill you on a random Monday. → 6 Comments                                         

You know when the driver ahead of you is backing up and you visualize them hitting you before it happens? That happened to me this morning. It wasn't a big deal, there wasn't any damage done to my car but I turned it into a big deal anyway. I'm not a happy camper in the morning, sorry old man!

I never understood why some Argentinians speak as if they have a lisp. I don't get why there isn't a story behind it. Any who, Castilian spanish is annoying.

PS:
Click to enlarge


Another coworker happened to misspell my name in an email that clearly shows the correct spelling of my name.

I love my coworkers. → 3 Comments                                         

So...

I went to the Mall during my lunch break. You know when you're walking towards the cashier and CLEARLY you're out in front of everyone else? CLEARLY you are next. Apparently it wasnt so clear to this elderly woman that cut me off. Not only did she cut me off, she gave me one of these looks:



OK I lied.

But she did give me a dirty look. It totally threw me off. What the fuck did I do, lady? I'm sorry I got to the line before you with nothing but a shirt in hand WHILE you had an entire shopping cart filled with crap.

I understand if we both got there kind of at the same time and we look at each other and have a quick laugh about it. I would have let the old geezer go ahead of me. I don't have a problem with elderly folks...but this old timer sucks. I hope you lose at Bingo for the rest of your life. That sounds harsh. OK maybe not for the rest of your life but for the next month! → 2 Comments                                         

I have ventured into the world of photography as of late. One thing I found out quickly is...this shit is fucking expensive!

I had no idea lenses were so damn costly. And not only lenses but lighting equipment, the whole nine yards.

I joined flickr two years ago but never fully dipped into the site until I got my DSLR. I came across a person that took pictures of himself each day for 365 days. I decided to do something similar but with toys.



It's funny how people think I'm weird when I'm setting up for a shot...with a toy.



Actually, some probably think I'm a little insane. The other day I took out some toys during my lunch break and I got some funny looks from a few coworkers. I went out with some friends to see a movie and after noticing a toy a friend said, "who brings toys out on a Friday out?" I guess I do...now.

Check out my photostream (Don't hate, I'm still a noob). → 0 Comments                                         

HIP HOP



NOT HIP HOP



DOOM is finally releasing his new album, Born like this, on March 24th.

Gucci Mane sucks ass. I rather listen to Fran Dresser all day than to hear one Gucci Mane song. → 3 Comments                                         

A-Rod thought it would be a good idea to take this pic.

You caption it. → 1 Comments                                         

→ 0 Comments                                         

See the pic above? Did it make you cringe?

That is Patti Stanger. She is, "The Millionaire Matchmaker". That stupid ass show on Bravo.

First of all, the show is bullshit. What millionaire doesn't know how to pick up a woman?

Millionaire - Hey there...what's your name?
Lady - *ignores*
Millionaire - Want to go to Tahiti on my yacht?
Lady - My name is Amber, I'm available.

POW!

This hideous lady, Patti, has the nerve to comment on other peoples appearance. I tried watching the show for 5 minutes and I saw her giving beauty tips with an attitude to a hot ass chick.

Wait, what?

That's like Phil Mickelson bitching at Shaq about boxing people out.

Why is this show still on? I just noticed it's on its second season. Why?

Millionaire men/women don't have to put up with ape-like women such as Patti.

See this guy?



This is Jeff. He's a wealthy guy AND he's about 112 years old.

See this chick?



That's Gretchen Rossi, his wife. What? That's his fucking wife. Yes, Gretchen just wants his money...we all get it. But this fucking guy got a hot ass young slimmy to hold his back pocket. If I were Jeff I would've paid for it too, damn it!

Rich people don't need the help of an ugly obnoxious woman to find someone. Their bank accounts do that for them. Just kidding.

Not really. → 2 Comments                                         

I'm logged into myspace. I just left a picture comment on a friend's page and noticed some random ghetto jibberish on another comment a person left before mine.

I clicked the female's myspace and I saw this:

[click to enlarge]



"2009 real bitches don't take care of no niggas or fuck 4 free or 4 love" - So let me get this straight, real bitches fuck for money? So I guess the prostitute I saw the other day is a real bitch, eh? All this time I thought being a hooker is a horrible thing. God forbid my mom, sister, grandmother, aunt, cousin or future potential daughter go through life without being compensated for sex. She would stain the family name by being a fake bitch.

People like this are lucky that most men are horny-moronic-idiots. Otherwise she'd be alone forever, the way she belongs. → 3 Comments                                         

See that? It's called a paystation. Here is where you pay your parking fee.



See this little guy right here? This is where you get your parking ticket when you enter our parking garage. You push a little fucking button and magically a ticket pops out. AMAZING, right!? We shall call him R2.

Try to stay with me.

You pull up into our garage, take a ticket from R2, park your fucking car and go do whatever the fuck you gotta do. The paystation is located on the first floor - on your way out of the garage and on your way back into the garage. Right in your fucking face.

Now you're ready to leave? Sweet. Take your parking ticket, insert it into the paystation and it will display your parking fee. You pay - take your ticket with you - insert it on the way out to D2 (basically the same shit as R2 but this is where you enter your ticket to leave once you have paid) and voi-fucking-la you made it. You're mentally fit for this world.

Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.

There's an 'ask for assistance' button on R2, D2 and the paystation. These calls end up ringing on a line in my office. I have to answer it if my coworker is not in the office.

Great.

This just happened a little while ago:

Lady - I'm trying to get out of the garage, how do I get out?
Me - you have to pay.
Lady - Where?
Me - Follow the big bright yellow bi-lingual signs that are all over the garage.
Lady - Sarcasm is not necessary, sir.
Me - What about awareness, ma'am?
Lady - What is your name?
Me - What is your name?

I think she's on the way up to speak to my boss. This should be fun. → 5 Comments                                         

Next time you're wearing all black and a dumb ass says, "Going to a funeral? Hehehe" say YES. Then look at the stupid ass look on their face when they apologize.

Idiots. → 4 Comments                                         

[Click pic to enlarge]

Emails at work have become a source of entertainment for me...sort of.

This is a different woman from my last post. THIS character sent me an email today with another abbreviated word. I say another because EVERY email I've ever received from her has had an abbreviated word. That's cool - if done with your friends, not in a professional environment. And it's not even anything normal as in 'ASAP', no. I get shit like this:

c/s
j/e
l/r
p/s

What the fuck?

Such as my last post, this is not a 9 year old girl. This is a grown ass 50-ish old lady.

"Obviously, only girls understand these abbreviations" - Well what the mother fuck. Will a 'girl' out there please educate me with the meaning of these fucking abbreviations? Unfortunately I'm a male, I don't have access to this secret code of abbreviated words that women are blessed with.

I wouldve respected this email a tad bit more if she said one of the following:

Only Seamonkeys understand these abbreviations.


Only Tyrannosaurus' understand these abbreviations.


Only Wompas understand these abbreviations


This is from an email she sent yesterday:

"so can we go. tomo. at 930a to p.u. cleang supp."

Why is there a period after go? Why are you not spelling out the words completely? You're not on a cell phone, why the fuck are you shortening words? If you're insecure about misspelling - use the fucking spell check function.

Fuck this place.

-22 year old graphic designer here.
-Can adapt to any style
-Hard worker
-Self motivator
-Email me for Resume / Portfolio / References / Blood work / Whatever the F*%& you need to get me out of here!!
→ 4 Comments                                         

Click the picture. My name is Radames, pretty unusual name. If I ask you to spell it out chances are you might spell it incorrectly. I'll give you that. But how do you misspell my name when it's RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE? Also, why do you type my name out lIk dIs? This isn't a 13 year old child that is emailing me btw, it's a grown ass woman.

Kill yourself. → 3 Comments                                         

Our 44th President, Barack Obama.



Thanks for not screwing this up, America. → 3 Comments                                         

I would never want to wish an injury on another football player. OK I lied. I want these guys to get injured: Lendale White and Ahmad Green.

Nothing serious, something like a um...sore hamstring maybe? Well they don't neccessarily have to get injured, just get into trouble or something. Get into a fight with your security guard, punch an 18 year old kid in the face, I don't know...shove a bitch in the club. I just don't want you on the field. You fuckers are taking away precious fantasy football points away from me.



This fucker right here is stealing carries away from my guy Chris Johnson. They both had a monster game yesterday BUT Johnson could've well had over 200+ yards rushing if he received more of the carries. Then they continue giving the ball to White in goal line opportunities. Fuck off, White.



This fucker right here is taking carries away from my guy Steve Slaton. Steve was running through the Lion's defense (who hasn't?) all afternoon and Ahmad took one touchdown opportunity away from Slaton. AND Ahmad had 14 carries, NO DAMN IT! He should of had maybe 6-8 carries to spot Slaton when he needs a break.

Yes, I'm selfish. Fantasy football does that to you. → 3 Comments                                         

New life mission: Create an elevator system that whenever you press the button more than 3 times...it gives you an electric shock. Not only will it shock you but it will take its sweet ass time to get to your floor. Maybe THEN people will stop pressing the fucking button 19 times as if it will make a difference.

Bitches. → 3 Comments                                         

I apologize to any pigeon lovers out there but this made me 'LOL'.

1. Are you serious?
2. People race pigeons? WTF?
3. Homing pigeons? WTF?
4. Who would pay for a pigeon?
5. Again, are you serious? → 4 Comments                                         

I love people that feels that the best place to have a phone conversation is inside a restroom. By love I mean hate.

There are maybe 37 different places I could come up with at the top of my head that are normal locations for a private conversation. Standing next to the sink is not a normal location. I don't want to hear about your dog puking all over your couch over the weekend while I'm doing #1. I shouldn't have to say excuse me in order to get to the hand dryer because you are blocking it.

The men's stall next to my office is pretty loud when you flush. I flushed four times. I hope he took that as a sign.

Get the fuck out of the restroom. → 1 Comments                                         

Random mumblings.

A recent study shows that an all Veggie-diet could lead to brain shrinkage. Another win for meat lovers.

Normal people – 584
Peta – 0

You gotta love a V.P. candidate that says, “We’re on a mission from God” in regards to the war in Iraq. Hmm...so every military act is a direct command from God?

Arab – Dude, I think God wants me to kill Christians.
Christian – That’s funny, he told me to kill you.

The differences between the two candidates are so CLEAR. Yet the polls show otherwise. After watching Palin’s interview with Charlie Gibson, I don’t understand how any sane human being could HONESTLY think she knows what she’s talking about. YouTube it if you have not seen it, I’m too lazy to find and post. There are people out there that think she did great, but those supporters lack the cognitive capacity to really be considered human beings.

On a day that the stock market took a major blow (understatement), yesterday, McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong.



Hmm...really? This guy tends to respectfully disagree and he knows a thing or two about our economy. THEN later that night McCain made it worst by stating he meant that the people of this nation are still strong. Hmm...fundamentals = people? Classic. It was a terrible backtrack as usual from McCain. He just should’ve clarified that by ‘Strong’ he meant ‘Sexy’. That would’ve won me over. Just kidding. You know the shit has hit the fan for McCain when Karl Rove is calling bullshit. All the pieces are finally starting to come together.

Glenn Beck seemed like a likeable guy at first. I tuned into CNN to watch his show and now I can’t watch him speak for more than 45 seconds without calling him a mental midget. I quickly learned that he has an astonishing record of saying remarkably stupid things.

I’m going to Pizza Hut tomorrow. No significance there, just wanted to share.

T.O. and Witten held it down for me last night, fantasy football wise. Thanks guys, -fist bump-. Keep up the good work.

I'm going to do something crazy now...I'm actually going to be productive at work. Wish me luck.
→ 2 Comments                                         

I woke up late today. I went to sleep last night without setting my alarm and I overslept. Who knew that would happen!?

Waking up late = bad mood.

I leave on my way to work and 5 minutes into the journey I notice that I left my cell phone back at the house. Great. I turn around to go get my cell which makes me even more late.

FINALLY, I get my cell phone and embark on my trip to the best job on Earth (lies). Every single fucking traffic light turned red on the way to work. I was ready to drop kick someone in the throat.

So I'm there waiting for the light to turn green and I see this little girl running across the street with her Mother and little brother. She approached the cross guard with a smile from ear to ear and waved at him with so much enthusiasm and joy. The little boy runs up to the cross guard and gives him a high five. By this point I wanted a high five as well.

So I'm watching this rare sight and couldn't help but feel moved by what I saw. For those that are not familiar with Miami's youth...they suck. Everyone is always in a bad fucking mood and self-absorbed. Then nowadays no one wants to put themselves out there in risk of being 'friendly'.

Dude 1- Hey, I noticed your back tire is low on air. You should check that out.
Dude 2 - Friendly ass.

Since when has it been a bad thing to be friendly!? Sometimes I feel like I live in Compton. I remember this shitty little kid asked me for money once at a gas station. I refused because I didn't have cash on me. You know what the fucker said? "Whatever". I almost took off my belt and gave him a beating but I just looked at him and chuckled.

Maybe this isn't such a big deal to you readers out there but these two little kids calmed me down this morning. Seeing the joy in them was pretty awesome.

I arrive to work, park my car in the garage, get to my office and noticed I left my cell phone in my car. FUCK!
→ 2 Comments                                         

Ever heard of the expression, "Dont bite off more than you can chew"? Well here is that expression in action:











He ended up dislocating his elbow. Good job, buddy. → 7 Comments                                         

Toss up! Which is more gay:

The Jonas Brothers?


Or

Lil Wayne's lip ring?
→ 10 Comments                                         

Most people see the picture below of Bristol Palin and think, "Are there any morals left in today's youth?"



I see the picture and think, "Damn...Alaskan girls know how to get down."

Just kidding. Apparently, Bristol was 16 at the time the picture above was taken. Sixteen-year olds shouldn't be drinking. It could lead to an addiction, health risks and impaired judgement such as having unprotected sex with a boyfriend that doesn't want kids.



Oops, that happened. DAMN you, Captain Morgan and your delicious rum!!



People make mistakes and they wont stop anytime soon. I'm not bashing on Bristol. I just wish this stuff would stay out of the media spotlight and have them focus on the real issues at hand.

Quote of the week:
"When [Palin] got a phone call at three in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten into the garbage can" - Bill Maher

I'll end this post with some eye candy for the Sarah Palin fans:

VILF


Bring on the rednecks. → 2 Comments                                         

This isn't creepy at all.

→ 5 Comments                                         

Uh oh. Flash backs, anyone?

I hope the government is prepared This time. I could already hear Kanye...



85 people are dead with more to likely come (there are still people missing in the countries that have been hit). The people along the Gulf Coast will be in my prayers.
→ 1 Comments                                         

The 9-year old kid below is being banned from playing little league baseball because he pitches too fast.



Maybe the people of New Haven should also try to ban this guy for dominating golf?


Hey! While you're at it, ban this guy too:


Clearly he swims way too fast. → 5 Comments                                         

Daddy Yankee endorsed John McCain.

Don't believe me?



Daddy Yankee - My vote goes to ju, yo. Daddy Yankee, y'all.
McCain - [creepy laugh] Gasolina, hehehe, gasolina.

I'm sure most voters don't take endorsements as a factor when leaning towards a particular candidate...but...cleary I'm voting for McCain now. I mean...Daddy fucking Yankee is endorsing him.

Colin Powell? Pfft. Who cares about that guy? It's all about Daddy Yankee!

The world has gone mad.
→ 5 Comments                                         

[Click pic to enlarge]

You are English speaking? No way... → 3 Comments                                         

Michael Phelps swam into history as the winningest Olympic athlete ever with his 10th and 11th career gold medals and five world records in five events at the Beijing Games.

Apparently humans are no match for Phelps. I say set this guy free in the ocean and let him race with sharks. Maybe then he'll have some competition. → 4 Comments                                         

R.I.P. to Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes.



What a weekend, eh? → 2 Comments                                         

HIP HOP

Parties are fun.

I went to a little get together last night with some friends. I wouldn't call it a party because everyone was just hanging around drinking and talking crap. I wouldn't even call them friends. Just some people I paid to hang with me.

Just kidding.

Like I said, everyone was drinking and you know what that leads to...babies. Just kidding. Well sometimes it does but not in this case. It lead to boob grabbing in this case.

It's amazing how a straight woman can grab another straight woman's breast...and it's OK. Could you imagine any type of male grabbing a straight male's penis?

[Funny guy grabs straight guy's penis]
Funny guy - HAHA I got your pener!
[Straight guy beats him down and does the A-town stomp on his face]

Yeah...men just can't get away with that stuff.

These chicks last night were kissing and groping and it was all good in the hood for them. For me too. That's awesome. It's awesome as long as you don't have any ties to them. I have to admit, us men can be super hypocritical at times.

Guy1 - WOOO! Yeah take it off!
Guy1 - NO, wait a minute...that's my sister!
Guy2 - Sweet.

I remember this kid from school that had disowned his younger sister for being a skeezer around school. He was all for GIRLS GONE WILD yet he'd turn into Debbie the downer whenever he'd be in the same room with his sister.

By the year 2010, it will no longer be weird for a female to get down with another female. My horn dog side is not complaining. But there's another side of me that doesn't want to see that kind of stuff. It's not cool when you see someone you've watched grow up turn into a little whore that makes out with other girls and post it over the Internet for attention. So uncool. I blame...us?
→ 2 Comments                                         

It was a glorious day for hip hop on Saturday.

Below are pics from Rock the Bells. I had a shitty cam so bare with me.

The will call ticket line was about a 3 hour wait. But it was all worth it.


Raekwon and Ghostface


Mos Def


Wale - Very underrated. Give him time, he'll be a household name soon.


Dead Prez


Supernatural - A TRUE freestyler. A lot of rappers nowadays will write 16 bars and spit it during freestyles. Not exactly FREESTYLING, eh? Supernatural knows the art of freestyling. He asked the audience to throw stuff on stage and everything which was thrown was incorporated into the freestyle. His mind is a computer. And don't let me get started with the beat-boxing machine, DJ JS-1. He is amazing.


Immortal Technique - I didn't want him to leave. He talked and rapped with so much energy and passion. I believe if every bubble gum rapper were to be present during his set...they would retire. He walked off stage through the crowd after his set. He's the man.


De La Soul - They left me with my jaw on the floor after their performance. They proved that they still got it. Dres from Black Sheep came onstage and shut it down with The Choice is Yours. "Who's the Black Sheep, what's the Black Sheep?" - Everyone went bananas. Then he made everyone get low and sing along:
"Engine, Engine, Number Nine, On the New York transit line, If my train goes off the track, Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!" He shut it down.


THE PHARCYDE - Reunited and it feels so good. Just awesomeness. They still have it too.


Method Man & Redman - Needless to say, they brought a massive amount of energy with their performance.


Red and Meth brought out N.O.R.E. as a special guest and he shut it down with "Nothin'" Homeboy! I came to party! Awesomeness to the 3rd power.
PS: Nore has gotten huge (fat)


Godson - Another one of the greats of the night.


Q-Tip's set was after Nas but my cam died. Mos Def came on stage and rocked it with Q. Then A Tribe Called Quest came on stage and everyone lost their damn minds!

I didn't get a chance to see B.O.B. or Murs perform, stupid long line.

It felt so amazing being around people that lives for lyricism and condemns gimmicks and ignorance. Everyone in the crowd would sing along in unison when rappers performed. I think everyone in the venue rapped the entire Nas - Made you look song from beginning to the end. I feel like an outcast when it comes to music in my environment but Saturday I felt at home.

I got chills during Immortal Technique and Nas performances. Two of the three greatest lyricist in the game today (Lupe's the missing link).

BEST.CONCERT.EVER. → 13 Comments                                         

1. Story of my life
2. Gnarls Barkley rules → 2 Comments                                         

No photoshop here. This is further proof of how I think Manny Ramirez defines awesomeness.

He's in the midst of being traded away to another team and is he uptight? No. He's just being Manny. I love that the sign says, "Straight up".

Most of the country seems to think this guy is a doucher that only cares about himself. I beg to differ. Any guy that catches a fly ball--high fives a fan--and makes the throw to first base to complete the double play is Godly-awesome in my book.



He seems like he's the only guy on the field having fun. Hell, he seems like the only person having fun in life! I could definitely identify with his nonchalant attitude in life.

Fan - Hey Manny, gas prices are so high dude!

Manny - Word?


Manny doesn't care.

Fan - Hey Manny, I scratched your car door by mistake.

Manny - Hey, no biggie.


I love how he chills in the scoreboard area in Fenway Park...during games. Manny is the only person that could get away with this. I wouldn't doubt a PS3 being back there, a toilet, and a few Coronas. Manny is that cool.





Too bad my Marlins couldn't strike a deal for Manny. I was looking forward to Manny being Manny in Miami (has a ring to it). But instead, Manny will be Manny in...

Green Bay?

→ 4 Comments                                         

God was arrested for selling coke near a church.

Sidebar: Who names their kid GOD? → 0 Comments                                         

I love The Ultimate Fighter show. For those that have no idea what it is about, clicky here.

How awesome would it be to do this with the people at your place of employment? I'm sure there is at least one person at your job that you would love to kick in the throat.

Here's my proposal:

The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. Er...wrong club, my bad.

-We separate all the men (I didn't include the women because Men aren't supposed to hit them. I mean I'm Puerto Rican and all but still...) into two teams. Then we elect two captains. Did I say elect? Whoops, I mean we fight for it. We let the 4 biggest guys in the building duke it out. The first 2 to give in are eliminated and voilà! We have our 2 captains.

Now let's get down to business.

-Our 2 captains then decide who will fight each day on a one-on-one situation. The same rules from Ultimate Fighting carries over so sorry guys, no chairs or weapons allowed.

I'm not a complicated guy. Just let me go toe-to-toe with a few people in the building and I'll be a happy camper.

FYI, you're limited to ONE submission hold per match. That's right, you have to fight your way to victory. So take your kimora holds elsewhere.

→ 1 Comments                                         

Guy 1- I need a DVD player.
Guy 2 - Oh man, I got the hook up with DVD players!
Guy 1- Really?
Guy 2 - Yeah dude, let me talk to my guy and I'll get back to you.

[A day later]

Guy 1- Hey, what's the good news?
Guy 2 - Yeah...see what had happened was...

Why do people do this? Why do they pretend to have 'connects'? To seem cool? OH HEY WATCH OUT WITH THAT GUY, HE HAS CONNECTS. HE IS AWESOME!

You suck. No wait, you suck a lot.

I've been around these people all of my life. I remember this kid in high school we use to call Corn Chips (because that's the way he smelled). He had connections to EVERYTHING...hypothetically speaking of course. He had access to everything in the free world yet he would never come through with his promises. I remember the first time I was duped. I wanted a Skytel pager at the time and Corn Chips said he had the hook up. I believed him. Stupid me. One excuse led to another. In short, Corn Chips was full of shit. Say that three times fast.

I'm not going to crown you ruler of the fucking Cool People if you pull a couple favors out of your ass. The situation with these kind of attention whores are even more pathetic because they aren't actually sticking with their end of the bargain. There's always an excuse.

Guy 1- Dude, did you get me into the Smashmouth concert?
Guy 2 - Sorry man, Steve Harwell started bitching and couldn't get me extra tickets.
Guy 1 - Ah yes, but of course.

How about next time...you...shut the fuck up and stop pretending to have the hook up, mmmk? Because in some cases people are actually depending on you.

Cut.The.Shit. → 2 Comments                                         

Some people are extremely lucky. They vary from jackpot lotto winners to those that weds Britney Spears, turns her into a psycho, divorces her and makes her cough up $240,000.

Then there are those lucky people that happen to be at the right place at the right time. Take Stedman Graham for instance, he met Oprah at a charity event. What if he came down with a cold and could not make it to the event? Right place at the right time.

Then there are those individuals that are not only lucky but also happen to end up at the right place at the right time. Eli Estrada is one of those people. He FOUND a new life. But he gave it back. Class act. Some people might say he's an idiot, like myself. Just kidding. OK I'm not kidding because I'm poor damn it! But kudos to him.

Then there's lucky boys that get hit on by hot older teachers like Debra Lafave. It's not like the boy she screwed around with was 8 years old. The kid was 14. You know how they got caught? The stupid kid told his mother. What good can come from that?

Kid - Hey mom...
Mom- Yes, dear?
Kid - My teacher gave me a hummer today.
Mom - She gave you a car?
Kid - No mom! She went down on me.
Mom - Down where?
Kid - SHE PUT HER MOUTH ON MY PENIS!

There are so many questions that I would like to ask this kid:

1. Are you gay?
2. Do you not like blonde's?
3. Were you intimidated?
4. Did she bite down too hard?
5. WHY WOULD YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER?

If anything, tell your father. He would definitely understand after seeing her pics. He might even give you a high five.

I've never been any of those lucky people in life. It would've been cool to have a hot older girlfriend that can give me straight A's. Some people just have it made. → 3 Comments                                         

Doesn’t it feel good when you're at an unfamiliar venue and a song you like plays randomly on the jukebox? Yes, right? Who doesn’t! Maybe the Amish...but they don’t read blogs anyway so it’s all good in the hood. I hope. (If you’re Amish and read my blog - I’M sorry)

I went to a party recently at Diddy’s house and had a few drinks and some awesome Bar-B-Q ribs. One out of those three was a lie. We didn’t have ribs at Diddy’s. OK enough lying, I was at a pub Downtown.



I’m sitting watching Dan Uggla hit a home run on one of the TV screens and suddenly Viva La Vida by Coldplay blast throughout the bar.

First of all, is this the kind of music that is supposed to be playing at bars? When I think of bar music I envision Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N’ Roses or Hypnotize by Notorious BIG. I love it when they call me Big Papa, throw your hands in the-–OK you get the point.

These are the things I expect from bars:
-Vast selection of liquor.
-Pool tables.
-At least one hot chick.
-A Chinese man saying racial slurs as a form of greeting.
-Mathew Mcconaughey chilling outside.

These are the things I don’t expect to be at bars:
-Babies.
-Merry-go-rounds.
-Coldplay music. Also, anything from Seal.

I’m not bashing Coldplay at all. I just think its unusual hearing one of their songs at a bar under normal sober circumstances. You’re hanging out playing some pool and suddenly you hear:

‘Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard’

This does not make me want to break. It makes me want to put my cue stick down and sulk in the corner in the fetal position. Alone. In the dark.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Coldplay. And now everyone at the spot Downtown knows this as well because, you see, I was tipsy and I like to sing while I’m on the sauce. It’s a very liberating experience. I recommend it. Although, don’t blame me if the guy/girl you’re fond of loses interest in you after your performance.

Not sexy. → 7 Comments                                         

So this is what my generation has come to?

Self-proclaimed superstars and this ingenuous thirst for fame? Accomplish something first THEN we'll talk about you being that superstar you claim to be.

Maybe if you were indeed actually famous...someone might want to fuck you. But at the moment? No, sorry. You might want to cool it with the 'Fuck Me I'm Famous' debacle.

I love the fact that most people have a blog nowadays. By love I mean loathe. I hate when I reveal I have a blog to someone and have to hear, "Oh god, you blog now too?" Yes. I've been doing so before you thought it was cool too, got it?

Generation Y stinks.

If you need me I'll be at the back of the room in the party pooper section being grumpy. → 11 Comments                                         

List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Credit to Raven.

1. Immortal Technique - Parole
Other than Lupe Fiasco, there is no other rapper out there fucking with Tech. NONE. He's a lyricist, not an entertainer. He speaks of real world issues which are not only important to him but to our generation as a whole. 'Parole' describes what it was like for him when he made parole.

Newspaper pencilin’, tryin’ to pay the rent again,
Ex-con job interview nobody answerin’,
Feelin’ violent from the frustrations I got pent up in,
but not tryin’ to go back to the place I was sent up in,
turn my whole life around, fuck the establishment,
listenin’ to hip hop like WHERE THE FUCK THE TALENT WENT,
how the fuck did you replace lyrics with your swagger and,
I’ma fix that robbin’ em’ with the magganum,
I roll up in the caravan, full of North Africans,
my squad got more soldiers niggas than the Sarasin’s,



2.David Vendetta – Break for love
I love the beat. The vocals from Keith Thompson are awesome. Not the substance but his voice in general. It’s like a collaboration between Chef from South Park and Barry White.



3.Rachael Starr – Till there was you (Gabriel and Dresden mix)
Sick beat. Rachael is awesome. I thought she just provided vocals for G&D but it turns out that’s she is a DJ, producer, vocalist, etc. I was very impressed when I saw her web site. Oh yeah, she's hot too.



4.Pharoahe Monch Ft. MOP - No mercy
Why? Because Monch kills his verse. I'll insert it in its entirety.

They'll bury me with my SP-1200
Fuck the trinity inseminate the earth now, take its virginity
In my vicinity rap is like energy pack
Sending me back behind enemy line to rap too melodic
Melodies never melodramatic but hipmatic like Jell-O fo fellow fanatics
I fiend for, who FUCK WITS, inappropriate
Fill em with so much lead I'll call
(M.O.P): BERGER AND ASSOCIATES
This rhyme, will remain in the minds of my foes forever in infamy
The epitome of lyrical epiphanies
Skillfully placed home we carefully plan symphonies
Who would be ignorant enough to have the audacity
to fuck wit the likes of I and my tenacity?
This is, what you, get when, you fuck,
with the, likes of, the magnanimous flows
of total assholes and ignoramuses
M.O.P. slash Pharoahe Monch cause damages
The advantage is we banish artists labels and managers
Amateurs found six feet deep, in metal canisters we



5. Trentemoller - Moan (Remix)
So smooth yet intense. Ann Troller's vocals to me are intoxicating, a sexy melancholy. This song is definitely on repeat most nights.



6. My Chemical Romance - Mama
Mama, we're all full of lies...
My emo side has been bumping this song more so recently than when it first debuted a year ago. I love how almost everyone misinterprets it. Idiots.


7.David Bowie - Within you
Your eyes can be so cruel! Just as I can be so cruel!
I'm pretty sure some of you out there were thinking WHAT THE FUCK at this point in the movie Labyrinth. Wasn't this suppose to be a kids movie? Why is Bowie hitting on the little girl? But i'm not going to get into this topic again.

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I'm sure you've seen it by now. If not, I'm sure you're tired of hearing everyone around you praising The Dark Knight.

I won't review it but I will say it is the best Batman movie ever. I got chills while watching Ledger's performance at times. And not because he passed away. He stole pretty much every scene he was in. I believe he was in the midst of becoming an even stronger actor. He transformed himself into something totally different and believable (not the first time in his career). He definitely left me with a bittersweet experience.

One of my beefs with the movie is Maggie Gyllenhaal. Sigh. Also, there are some other minor holes in the film but why didn't Katie Holmes reprise her fucking role? Because of scheduling conflicts with her movie 'Mad Money? You kidding me? You rather make a shitty film with Queen Latifa than acting alongside Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Caine in The Dark Knight? Was she on smack? I blame Tom Cruise. There's something not right about Mr. Scientology. Don't get me wrong, Maggie played the better role and is a better actress. She's just...blah to me.

What I wonder now is...how is director Christopher Nolan going to top TDK?

PS: For those that has seen it, the guy in the bank, don't forget about him. OK? → 3 Comments                                         

My friend told me to dedicate a post to her.

"Is she your girlfriend?" No.

"If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" Sure, why not? Sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm bored at work and she caught me in a good mood, ok?

Her name is Jessica. I met Jess a while back on MySpace. I've met way too many people on MySpace. But isn’t that the point of MySpace? Social Networking? I wonder who holds the record for meeting the most people from MySpace? I currently stand at 8 people.

I wonder who holds the record for the most time a person deleted their MySpace account? I deleted mine once. I shouldn’t have but I was trying to show my loyalty to my then girlfriend and blah, blah. It feels as if I was the star of a sitcom where everyone found the main character's poor life decisions as comedic gold.

Me - I'll prove to you it's all about you, FUCK MYSPACE, I’ll delete it right now! THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY!
[Deletes profile]
[A roar of laughter comes from the crowd]

Ah, those were the days.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jess. She is my number one fan. But why you ask? Because I’m an awesome artist. I could sketch an identical replica of a persons face with blood on concrete. That was a lie. But I am trying to make this graphic design thing work. She supports me as an artist and needless to say I’m very grateful. For at least one person to genuinely commend me for my work = priceless.

So this post is for you Jessica! You owe me $22.50, cash only. → 6 Comments                                         

You know what’s fucking weird? Let me explain.

Let me take you back to a strange day in the life of a young Mr. Cruz. I was about 11 or 12 years old and on summer break vacation. I went over to my neighbor’s house to hang out for a bit. I walk into my friend’s room and he’s watching a porno with another friend of mine. I see boobies and I’m like...COOL. You just kind of stare at that age. You don’t know what’s going on…but you like it. You don’t know why you like it…but you just do. It’s like men are pre-programmed to like porn.

As we continued watching, I kept wondering to myself why was a lady sleeping next to the couple which were having sex? The dude was showing the blonde his O-face while another lady next to them was sound asleep. Then something disturbing happened. The female begins to moan and the guy says, "Shhh...you'll wake your mother, honey" - Strike one. Then the blonde replies, "Ok daddy" - Strike 2. Then the blonde says, "You're the best, dad" -STRIKE 3!

They were watching incest porn! YES, INCEST. It was a VHS tape of some type of family role-playing kind of gig? It’s fucking disturbing when I think back about it. Why the fuck didn’t any one of us say anything while watching it? We just watched it like it’s all good. Like if this shit is normal. Like if we were sitting around watching Cool World and drinking kool-aid. But there were no Kool-aid, only hardcore incest filth.

Guy – Hey dude, whats up?
Guy 2 – Not much. Just drinking a beer, watching some girl go down on her brother.
Guy – Aww man, sweet! What channel!?

Where did they get the tape from? How do a couple of kids grab their hands on an incest flick? Did one of my friends have parents who were into this crap? I wished I would've asked these questions but I never spoke to my friends about that day ever again. I pretended as if it never happened. Hell I’ve never even told anyone about this until now. It needed to be let out. The truth will set you free! Not really. It just reminds me of some creepy twelve-year-olds. → 4 Comments                                         

I got my first computer when I was 13. Like everyone else at the time, we had dial up internet. I had AOL. It took about a minute and a half to get online and have everything fully loaded. I use to get so pissed off whenever an incoming call would screw up my connection and kick me offline.

[Get’s kicked offline]
Me – MOM! Tell grandma you’ll call her back in an hour!

Thank goodness for high-speed internet.

My cousin from Orlando came to visit one day and introduced me to the AOL chat rooms and I quickly became addicted. I never did it with the intentions of meeting anyone. I would just chat at times when I was stuck at home.

I use to lie through my teeth in chat rooms. I was a 13 year old kid with red hair...not interesting. Instead I told everyone I was a 17 year old break dancing DJ that lived with his older brother. I also had my own car. I was cool and pathetic at the same time.

My AOL screen name was MYSTIKAL2000GANJA. What.THE.Fuck. How did I come up with that name? And why? The younger version of me scares the ba-Jesus out of me. It’s sad that I thought that was cool. I never even tried ganja at that point of my life. Why was it in my name? Why Mystikal? For those that don’t know/remember, he's this guy:



He disappeared from the limelight due to his incarceration for raping an old lady. Class act. Why did I choose Mystikal? Fuck if I know. He has never been my favorite rapper so that is out the question. Once again with the reoccurring theme on my blog: I’m retarded.

I chatted with so many weirdoes in the online world. I had a who’s who of pathological liars on my buddylist. I didn’t know who were real and fake. I remember befriending this one girl in particular, Aleksandra. She lived in Utah. I met her when I was 13 (17 online) and she was 12 (15 online). She sent me fake pics, I sent her fake pics and we both ate up each other lies. Fast forward to a boring night in 2005 and I decided to see if she still had the same screen name on AOL (it’s a catchy name, hard to forget) and she did! I sent her a message and this is pretty much how it went:

Me – Hey Aleks, it’s me Alex (oh yeah, I told her my name was Alex)

Aleks – Alex?

Me – Yeah, the DJ from Miami with the big yellow bus (don’t ask)...

Aleks – WTF ALEX?!?!!

Then I went on to confess my lies. Then we exchanged MySpace’s and it turns out that she isn’t such a bad looking chick, she’s very cute.

I remember not talking to her for a bit because I was in a relationship and didn’t log into MySpace much. Then she deleted me. I think it was one of those deals when a person puts up a bulletin stating: “I’M DELETING PEOPLE. IF YOU DON’T SEND ME A MESSAGE, I WILL DELETE YOU.” I read the message one night and didn’t think she’d delete me if I didn’t send her a message but she ended up deleting me.

It would have been cool to meet her in person. Reminisce about the hilarity of our online life, catch up on the present, and make out for a few hours. I’m sure she’d be down for two out of 3. → 7 Comments                                         

[I dropped off my friend at his house]
[I searched all over my car for my cell phone and couldn't find it]
[I call my friend]

Me - Hey...I can't find my phone, dude.
Friend - Are you serious?
Me - Yeah
[Slight pause]
Friend - Hey, dumbass?
Me - Huh?
Friend - How do you think you're talking to me right now?

This. really. happened.

I'm retarded. → 9 Comments                                         

My high school sucked big time.

The people I met during my 9th grade year were ok but they seemed like the last of the dying breed of interesting people because the next three years were painful.

I graduated back in 2004 and don't have any plans on going to any type of 'reunions' or whatnot. I got my diploma, took pics, and said PEACE BITCHES!

I know what some of you are thinking, "He was the geek that no one talked to!" Nah, not a geek. I wish I was. Maybe then I would've gotten into a better college. I just didn't connect with most of the people I went to school with. I had my group of friends but pretty much felt annoyed by most of the others.

A lot of them were into weird dancing. Swinging their arms back and forth and shit. Playing pretend baseball and making sandwiches or something? Big grown ass dudes tiptoeing around like MC Hammer's back up dancers. See the vid below for what the hell i'm talking about:



The song that plays around a minute into the vid that goes, "WHERE HE AT, WHERE HE AT? NOW THERE HE GO!" is the peanut butter jelly song. HATE. Hate is a very strong word. I hated this crap.

[Big kid starts dancing in the hall]
Me - The fuck is he doing?
Bystander - Peanut butter jelly dance!
Me - THE HELL?
Bystander - YEAH NIGGAA!!!
Me - Does he use deodorant?

THEN i'm the outsider for not liking that shit! You see my pain? I had to see this shit everyday, EVERY fucking day.

Morning time = PB&J dance.
Lunch time = PB&J dance.
Go to the restroom to do #1 = PB&J dance.
After school = GO HOME!! Stop dancing!!

Whatever.

An old friend I went to school with recently sent me a friend request on myspace and I noticed some people I use to know on his page. It turns out that 98.4% of the people I knew in high school are rappers. Go figure.

Everyone is a rapper nowadays. Hell my mother raps, her MC name is Mama T (Teresa). What's the worst part of all this? THEY SUCK. They all suck. I'm not a hater, I give props when it's due. But these guys all talk about the same redundant shit. Their songs are bullshit and lack substance. The most recent one I heard was something that went like, "WHAT THEY DO!?" or something like that. I don't know what they do...you tell me.

Another one started off with, "As I walk in the club"...really!? This line, again? How many times do I have to hear about somebody walking in the club? If you're gonna start off like that - make it interesting at least!

"As I walk in the club, midget titties were shaking"...

Jackasses. Go get a job, read a book, and put the mic down. → 7 Comments                                         

This has not been a good week...people wise.

1. The economy is getting worse and worse (we all know that by now). We were told to find ways we could save money at work by our union reps. Each of us were given a sheet with a bunch of empty spaces to share our ideas. I filled the entire page. And you know what the sad part is? They'll just brush it to the side and won’t even consider my proposals because nothing ever gets done the right way at my job. Everything is backwards. Fuck my job.

2. I could create a separate blog dedicated to the ridiculousness that is my work life. A vendor requested an RFQ (request for qualifications) for a certain city project the other day. This is how the conversation over the phone went:

Guy (broken English) - Hallo? Jes, is this the place where I get de RFQ?
Me - For which project, sir?
Guy - oz-moses---
Me - ...Reverse osmosis, sir?
Guy - jes, jes!
Me - I could email it to you if you provide me with an email address.
Guy - Email? uh... (Apparently I asked him to spell monofluorophosphate over the phone because he seemed baffled)
Me - Or I could fax it to you if you’d like?
Guy - Could I pick it up?
Me - yes, sir.

Its 2008, who doesn’t have an email address? My little cousins in elementary school have email addresses. This situation bothers me more because this guy has his own company. How do you expect to expand? I hate my position. I hate the people I have to deal with.

3. I had no idea I knew so many naive people. Most of my friends are over the age of 21 but lately I feel like I hang out with a bunch of 13 year olds. You’re killing me, Smalls. Grow up.

4. Rush Limbaugh inked a $400 million dollar contract. What THE fuck? What is the world coming to?

5. I was channel surfing and noticed Carlos Mencia is back? They gave him another season? HE IS NOT FUNNY!

6. Kids on my block were lighting up fireworks this past Monday (the 30th) and Tuesday (the 1st)...at 4 in the fucking morning. I remember being a kid; I remember lighting fireworks in the street, good times. But not at 4am on a fucking Monday. It got to a point where I went outside with my bat but they were pretty far down the road. I could hear their shitty fireworks as if it was right on my lawn but they were about a block down. Save it for the 4th, bitches!! I need to sleep!

I'm just grumpy at the moment, don't mind me.

Oh yeah, Happy Independence day!
→ 6 Comments                                         

Megan Fox has broken off her engagement to Brian Austin Green!

I still have a chance!

...In fairytale land. → 0 Comments                                         

The following is not funny to the owner of the monkey or to the monkey herself.

But I died laughing.

Some people go to comedy clubs for funnies. I go to craigslist.

I hate AIM.

I haven't used AIM in years. I decided to download it because a few of my friends have it and are always telling me to get it.

I caved in.

I downloaded the application and all I have to do now is choose a screen name. Simple, right? Wrong. I've been trying for the past 20 minutes. Every fucking possible screen name possibility is taken.

I first started off with 'funny' ones like:

LeCoqGrande
itsOnLikeDK (Donkey Kong)
noMORElockDoors
didYOUsayBERRIES
uBOYSlikeMEXICO

No luck, all of those names are taken. Then I tried going with something simple using my name:

Radames1(I used numbers 1 through 9)
Radamess
Radamiss
RahDUHmes
RahDUHmez
RahDUHmis
RahDUHmiz
RAWduhMEZ
RAWduhMIZ
RAWduhMES

Again, no luck. At this point I'm screaming out F-bombs at my monitor. Now I begin to come up with ridiculous names:

RuNOTentertained
iLIKEbananaBOATS
grandeMEETSpongo
elPOLLOgrande
GRANDEesMIpollo
BUSTitPOLLO

Are you kidding me? Someone out there has a name, 'BUSTitPOLLO'? What the hell? What the fuck kind of name I'm going to end up with, rafop38975078909?

Fuck AIM. I'm going to try one more time and I'm done. → 4 Comments                                         

I don't blog about too many movies. But I saw an awesome film last night. It's about an unsinkable ship that hits an iceberg and plummets to the bottom of the sea.

Oops, wrong movie.

I went to see a pre-screening of 'The Wackness' last night. I thought The Wackness would be wack but it was not at all, no. It was wackless. See what I just did there?

Moving along.

It stars this guy:


The fat kid from Nickelodeon. But apparently he had gastric bypass surgery and homey looks like this now:



Touche. Well played, sir.

I went into the theatre with very low expectations. I had free tickets and didn't want to be home so I thought I'd give it a shot.

The film is about a lonely teenage white boy (Shapiro) that basically just needs a friend (and to get laid). He befriends a shrink (Dr. Squires) who gives him session time in return for marijuana. Oh yeah, Shapiro is a drug dealer. The director shows us a different kind of drug dealer, a virgin (technically he had sex with a female but it got broken up by cops before anyone can finish) with no friends. The most popular of the unpopular. Or the unpopular of the populars. The people his age around him only tolerates him because of his drug connections. He seems depressed but Squires shows him that he is not indeed depressed at all. He just needs to stop being such a pussy and take risks in his life.

Shapiro and Squires slowly form a bond and become friends. Then Shapiro begins to mess around with Squires stepdaughter.

I could go in depth and turn this into a Sundance film review but I won’t take up anymore of your time. Go check out this movie, you won’t regret it. → 4 Comments                                         

Here's another reason why Wayne is an idiot.

Below are Jay-Z lyrics from “Mr. Carter"

I’m right, cheah
In my chair
With my crown, with my dear
Queen Bee, as I share
Mic time, with my heir
Young Carter
Go farther
Go further
Go harder
Is that not
Why we came? and if not,
Then why bother?

One of raps juggernauts spit out a huge compliment to this crackhead and he didn't even know what the hell was going on.

From a Q&A Rolling Stone did with Lil Wayne:

On “Mr. Carter,” Jay-Z calls you “my heir, Young Carter” — that had to feel pretty cool.
-That line right there was hard! Unbelievable. I didn’t even realize it at first. My homie had to tell me “You know what he said, right?” I didn’t even get it. I was like, “Why is he saying ‘air’? Is he just talking about the air?” But I’m smart enough to know that he’s smart enough not to just be talking about the air. I felt real dumb, but then I felt so good. It was an incredible compliment.

Eh. → 0 Comments                                         

Technology in today's modern world is amazing.

I came across a program at work recently, which among other things, allows you to see any web site statistics. It's a form of policeware. Boredom led me to look up my blog history. It shows me when I created this blog, how many hits I've had from day one, and it shows me information on the users that comment on my page. It doesn't show me user social security numbers or anything in that nature, no worries. But let's just say that there are programs out there that works just as a caller ID would...but for your puter.

It was interesting...in a sense if interesting really means creepy.

People can still surprise you nowadays. Unfortunately, at times it's for the worst. Actually, I wouldn't say for the worst in this situation because I'm feeling indifferent about the whole scenario to begin with.

I'm not upset with the information I collected. No, no. I found it amusing at first. I laughed. But now? Now it makes me wonder. What makes people crave attention so badly? What is it with attention whores? Is being an attention whore some sort of compensation for low self esteem? I don't get it? A true puzzle.

We're not in Kansas anymore, people. Technology is amazing, stop with the BS. → 6 Comments                                         

I find it interesting how I keep meeting women...that are in relationships.

I have no idea what their marital status is before hand, it’s pretty much unbeknownst to me. The latest one sucks because I saw this one making out with her boyfriend before I even knew who she was.

There’s an intern here (we’ll call her Oxy). My boss called me into his office one day and told me to help out Oxy with whatever she needed. She had a little project in mind and I helped her out a bit. We chit chat a bit and I can't help but wonder where do I know this chick from? She looked very familiar to me. I find out little details from others in the building and can't help but be impressed with the school she has been accepted to. I’m there thinking, “she seems like a nice, wholesome, educated female...” Then suddenly it dawned on me…she's the chick I saw kissing that guy! I know what you're thinking, "Why is he staring at couples kiss?" I wasn't staring! I was in the lobby waiting for the elevator and I saw her walk up to him and greet him with a Frenchy. Then I thought to myself, "Wow that's a lucky geek, he has a hot girlfriend."

What does her boy friend look like, you ask?

He has this kind of weird curly hair:



...but longer and black. It looks pretty greasy too. Maybe she likes rolling her fingers through all the gel or mousse or whatever hair product he uses to make his hair shine so? Only his hair style is similar to Justin Timberlake, nothing else. I know the ladies out there fancy JT so I want no confusion out of this. His hair only, got it?

He looks like his name is Gordon or Gustavo. He seems like the kind of guy that would sit at home on a Friday night and play World of Warcraft.

Mother - Gordon, what are you doing tonight (Friday)?
Gordon - I'm going to order some pizza and play World of Warcraft

Sweeeeet.

I could be right. I could be wrong. Maybe I’m a hater? Who knows. Anne Hathaway, Megan Fox, now Oxy? If I meet one more female with potential that is taken – I'm going to stab someone. Ok maybe not stab but I might kick someone. → 1 Comments                                         

A huge lost to not only his family and friends but to politics as well. He will never be forgotten. His legacy will continue forever. → 0 Comments                                         

FREE MR. CLARK! FREE MR. CLARK!



Kellz has been acquitted of all child pornography counts filed against him.

I bet Dave Chappelle feels like a dick now for making those pee on you skits, eh? There's still some skeptics out there who think that Kelly got away with it but case close, the man is free.

I'm glad he's not guilty. Dude has been making hits since I was in grade school. I lost Michael Jackson and Bill Kamal.


Bill with two chicks.

Bill was the MAN. He always kept a fresh suit on. He looked like a million bucks (no homo). He had an air on confidence every time his weather segment aired. He seemed like the kind of guy that would have a wife and a girlfriend on the side...and both women wouldn't mind. He seemed that pimp. But then I found out he was a little boy lover. Vomit.

I don't wanna lose you too, Kelly! Now get back in the studio and make a not guilty/he saved me/you remind me of my jeep joint for the masses. → 0 Comments                                         

Yeah, yeah, she deserves it. Stephanie Izard won
Top Chef last night. I was pretty sure Richard was
going to win, he's been pretty solid throughout
(as so was Stephanie). But the big guy choked. Whatever.
As long as Lisa didn't win...I'm ok.



Congrats Izy, the first woman to win Top Chef. → 3 Comments                                         

How good is your typeface game?



Go here and find out. I got 27/34 eh, i'm rusty. Check the hall of fame. I made the list...for 24 hours.



Needless to say, no cheating, mmmk? → 2 Comments                                         

Ever wonder what an old Bruce Lee would look like? How about Marilyn Monroe?

//Andrzej Dragan






Check out more of his work. → 2 Comments                                         

Click to enlarge

This is a real picture taken earlier this year of the volcano that erupted in Chile. No photoshop, no editing whatsoever. Awesomeness. → 2 Comments                                         

A fight broke out in Boston last night.

Not here


But here


Coco Crisp charged the mound when pitcher James Shields hit him with a pitch on the hip. Some might say overreact much Coco? But there was a situation during a game two nights ago where Coco tried to steal a base and the shortstop blocked second base with his leg when Coco slid in. It banged up Coco's finger. Coco was not happy. Later during the game Coco slid into second base and took out the second baseman in retaliation with a kick slide. This sets up what happened to Coco during his first at-bat last night.

Coco - you little...
Umpire - Coco NO!


Swing and a miss! Shields might crack his teeth if he keeps clinching so intensely.


This is how you punch! It looks like Coco tagged him pretty good but if you watch the video he really didnt. He sort of punched him in the back because of the catcher coming to the rescue.


Can you smell what Navarro is cookin'? The catcher gives Coco a rock-bottom.


Jonny Gomes throws punches like a woman. Scratch that. He throws punches like a little girl. I know women who can throw a better punch. What's with the hammer motion?


Catcher Dioner Navarro is probably saying, "get off my ass, Gomes!"
→ 2 Comments                                         

This will be my last RW post.

Greg was kicked off the show. Great. Now I have to watch a bunch of uninteresting whores go out and drink every night? No thanks, MTV.

Do yourself a favor, send Joey home before he commits suicide. Homeboy is a step away from losing it.

The show will suck from here on out. Unless Joey begins drinking again and attacks one of the girls. That would win me back. Adios.

Fin. → 2 Comments                                         

This is Megan Fox. You might remember her from the Transformers movie. We like her, ok? Be nice.

She was born two days after my birthday. We're going to pretend that she isnt engaged to this guy from 90210, ok?


Eh. → 1 Comments                                         

About damn time.

Party at the Pepsi center! → 0 Comments                                         

Ok if you haven't noticed by now I'm a Hungarian magician. Ok maybe not. But I do recap every new Real World: Hollywood episodes. Yes, I'm a loser. Don't point and laugh, it's not polite.

Greg is the man.

He made two grown men cry. Will and Dave became really pissy with Greg and basically wanted to fight him. They're both making a raucous and throwing stuff around the house and whatnot. And Greg? He's just looking at them with a calm straight face. He gets cool points for being the bigger man. Then Will says something about Greg's dead father. WHOA whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...where's my batman glass?

Greg still downplayed the comments from Will and did not strike back.

Greg - 42
Will - 0.2

If Will brought up my dead father I'd not only beat the shit out of him but I'd knock him unconscious and chop those ridiculous dreads off and stick them in Kimberly's underwear drawer. RATINGS through the roof. MTV would love me.

But it does not end there. Greg took his retaliations to psychological proportions. He made Will and Dave cry [insert LOL] here.

Well come to think about it...I'm not really surprised that Will and Dave cried. Will is a pussy and Dave is a hot head pussy. He's the type to talk smack until you give him a beat down. Although, of the two, I think Dave would put up a better fight than Will. Little muscular guys always seem to put up a good fight; they're scrappy. Greg would pulverize him, but nice try nevertheless.

Oh yeah, did anyone else miss Joey? I saw Joe towards the end of the show and said, 'Hey you little weird hair motherfuc***! Let's get sauced tonight' Wait...he can't do that anymore, right? Damn! → 2 Comments                                         

I've been procrastinating all afternoon. Where does procrastination lead to? Myspace. I went into my inbox and took a trip down memory lane and went back to message #1 on myspace which dates back a few years. I came across a few messages I wanted to share:

(click to enlarge the pics)
Another Radames sighting. At least this guy wasn't gay...I think?


I get hit on by younger girls a lot...why? Weird ones too.


This chick had potential at the time. Everything went smooth until we hung out. Boring ass chick. Now I know that every time she agreed with me online was bullshit. Had no opinion on...nothing basically.


I'm the white Lloyd Banks apparently.


I have no fucking clue what this message was about...till this day. I messaged this guy back and he never replied. It's kind of hilarious though


'The guitar guy at church' -has to be one of the greatest all time self-descriptions.
→ 4 Comments                                         

I went over to the beach Friday for the 3 bears dunny release. Well more like 2 bears? I was told only two of the three artist were showing up (damn it).

My partner in crime


I think I'd be a pretty good mannequin


The line wasn't so bad


I got interviewed by this guy


Why was my mouth open? Good question.


This guy's bumper was destroyed in the parking garage


He's going to want to stab someone.


Awesome weather for standing in line for an hour or two. No sun whatsoever.


The goodies


High fives for everyone


TADO // ILOVEDUST






Until next time kiddies, peace out. How come no one ever says peace in?
→ 5 Comments                                         

Memorial Day weekend, a time where we pay homage to our fallen soldiers in America. In America…yes. In South Beach...no.

It’s a time where mischievous men and promiscuous women roam the streets of South Beach. It’s a time where women dress provocatively and complain when men treat them anything less than a lady. It’s a time for men to rent exotic cars in hopes to woo easy gold diggers.

Somewhere along the way folks that flock to the beach have forgotten what this weekend is about.

This is what might happen when you ask the average 18-27 year old Miamian male amd female what their plans are for Memorial Day weekend:

Male 1 – Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Male 2 – I’m going to snatch me some hoes!
Male 1 – Me too! I rented a room for the weekend by the beach; bring your freaks over whenever, dog!

Female – Hey girl, what you doing this weekend?
Female 2 – Girl I’m going to get my hair and nails done, I’m going to the beach!
Female 1 – Me too! I have to get myself a new outfit, there’s gonna be so many hot guys out there!

Yeah. This is what our soldiers died for.

Two things: if you think I’m being too dramatic then rebuttal. If not, go to www.games.com and knock yourself out.

I dedicate this post to all the brave men and women that have died while serving this country. You shall not be forgotten.

Sadly, this is what Memorial Day is about now:

→ 3 Comments                                         

Random pics



See the resemblance?




Real. What is the definition of real? Apparently Plies is the definition of real. Fucktoid.



Damn it, A-Rod. What is up with those pants? Thank goodness this guy doesnt play baseball the way he dresses.



Look at the expression on the gentleman behind Diddy. Caption the picture.



'What do you mean, "take that - take that"?



Jason Giambi wears a thong whenever he's in a slump at the plate. DISTURBING. How can you top that? Derek Jeter borrows it. WHAT the FUCK.



I want this. Courtesy of click.

Be safe this Memorial weekend. Don't drink and drive...unless you have to. Just kidding. → 3 Comments                                         

Real World: Hollywood episode recap from last night:

The guys in the house are a bunch of pussies.

Dave - you're 5 feet nothing. Greg is 6 foot 5. He will squash you like a bug.

Will - you're a little bitch. You're all BIG AND BAD when talking about confronting Greg, punching the wall and what not. Yet when you're face to face with him...you speak ever so gentle. What the fuck? Grow some.

Greg - Obviously your associate cheated on you, obviously. It's understandable being upset at Will, I get it. But your main focus has to be on that fire crotch. Kick that cum bucket out of the house! That's what bothered me the most. SHE pulled her underwear off, not Will. Well maybe Will did but she was perfectly fine with it. THEN she lied on top of that. THERE'S CAMERAS THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE, DUMB ASS. Then Greg punk ass said I believe you. What!? Fire crotch!? You believe her? Succa. You're a succa, homz.

Ryan (Sarah's boyfriend) - Biggest pussy of the night. He looks like a World of Warcraft kind of guy.

Sarah - Greg, let's make out!
Ryan - I'm on the last stage, wait! Do you know how hard it is to beat the magical wizard!?

A man is cursing at your girlfriend, calling her names, disrespecting her...and you're just gonna wipe your eyes for 5 minutes and act like a bitch?

I get that you just woke up from a nap. It doesn't take a person that long to wipe their eyes. Bitch move #1.

You never stopped Greg when he kept telling Sarah to shut up. Bitch move #2

If you're being the bigger man and taking the high road...I commend you. That's big of you. But even Gandhi would have slapped the fiyah out of Greg's mouth if he heard him call his girlfriend a bitch.

You're not on the show, your girlfriend is. So the argument for getting kicked out of the show for fighting is out the window. You had no reason not to stand up for your woman. Bitch move #4.

I can't imagine another guy talking shit to my girlfriend right in front of me. Unbelievable.

All these muscles (except for Ryan) and no balls. All bark and no bite.

Don't even get me started with the females. This post will be never ending. Why do insecure females call better looking women whores? Why is that? Are we upset because the man you have a crush on likes another (better looking) female? Awww, that's cute. But don't go around calling them whores. Get over yourself. → 4 Comments                                         

I like pranks. Who doesn't? Well apparently my co-worker does not.

It use to be just the 3 of us (we could make it if we try) when our office was located on the 3rd floor. The three of us consist of myself, another male and a female. We'll call them Saunder and Becky.

I suggest pulling a prank on Becky to Saunder (he loved the idea) some time ago while she's gone on vacation. I wanted to put sticky notes all over her desk...you know...stupid small stuff. But the small stuff lead to this:




We did the following:

- Hid her plants, vanity mirror (Saunder's idea), and desk figurines
- Disassemble her chair (Saunder's idea)
- Outlined her work area with caution tape
- Disconnected her mouse and keyboard(Saund
- We left a note on her chair but I don't remember what it said
- Connected a bunch of paper clips to create a hanging loop and taped them alongside the bottom of her desk

Two things of note:

1. Pay attention to the pictures (click to enlarge). She hated her name plate. She always kept it inside one of her desk drawers. We took out the name plate and taped it to her desk.

2. She has a dog named Toby who is like a son to her. She loves him dearly. We hung her stuffed toy dog from the ceiling over her desk. I must admit...that was kind of cruel. Could you imagine if we would have left the sticky note that said R.I.P attached to the toy? That wouldve earned us a kick in the groin or two.

What did she do when she came back from vacation? She cried. I'm glad I came in late. I didn't see her wrath, I didn't experience it. This is what happened when I came in:

Boss - I'm disappointed in you guys.
Me - What happened?
Boss - You made her cry; she's pissed.
Me - ...Umm...Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss - No..

We put everything back. She was pretty upset but eventually she got over it. → 5 Comments                                         

There are two types of people that are voting for Hillary Clinton throughout the primary season. Below are examples of the types of individuals:

I don’t care what she supports, we need a woman as POTUS! Go Hillary!

My democratic vote sure isn't going to no coon! Go Hillary!

The demise of our country will continue as soon as Barack Obama is named the democratic candidate for presidency. Most of the democratic Hillary voters will vote McCain in spite of Obama. And we all know what that means.

I hope I'm wrong, I really do. I suggest you develop a jump shot or come up with a get rich quick scheme because you're SOL if you depend on a country that's ran by John McCain. → 2 Comments                                         

People make mistakes, we’re all human.



Odell Thurman made a mistake a few years ago. He had some drinks and decided to drive home. He was one of the unlucky ones (people drive intoxicated all the time) that was pulled over by a cop. I’m not saying driving drunk is acceptable. I’m just saying that it happens. Trust me. Wink wink.

Odell is an admitted alcoholic. I think that’s a positive because at least he admits he had a problem. He was suspended twice by the NFL for his alcoholism woes. The first time was a given but the second time was pretty petty.

Any who, he was reinstated by the NFL in January of this year. Everything was looking up for Thurman…until yesterday. He was released from the Cincinnati Bengals for not showing up to a VOLUNTARY team practice. He was cut for not showing up to a practice in May. MAY.

Some of you might ask, 'why didn’t he show up to practice?' Why? Because his grandmother passed away. That's why. He took a week off to grieve. That is some cold shit.

I feel for guys like Thurman because of the struggles they went through in life. His mother dead at 10 and was raised by his grandmother in a household of 20 people in poverty. Just making it to the NFL was a blessing all on its own not to mention getting an education from the University of Georgia. The man has tremendous heart and I'm not ready to kick him out of the league after one or two faults.

There are far worst people in the NFL and Thurman did not deserve to be cut. He’ll have the last laugh.
→ 0 Comments                                         

I enjoy the simple things in life. I spent about 4 hours last night playing this with a bunch of grown men:



This is what we do. We don’t tote guns and rob liquor stores. We play sports and hang out. We don't look for trouble and cite riots. We play Smash Brothers and Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, yes, N64. I guess we could all purchase Wii's or PS3's but the integrity isnt the same. We all get that nostalgic feeling whenever we're not playing the N64.

I took some time off from work and came back this morning to this:



It might not look like much to the average person but coming from a guy that dealt with this for the past two years:



It’s awesome.

I've had a 1972 phone ever since I started working for my employer while everyone else had ATLEAST a phone that had a hold fucntion. I work for the government, not google. I don't get cool toys like this:



I thought it was some sort of 'hazing the new guy' phase I had to go through but apparently not. I had maybe the worst phone in Miami. And now? Now I have a hold button...and we are pleased. Now I have caller ID and voicemail, we are very amused. It took me about 10 minutes to set my voicemail because I had to remember that it's not a toy.

The little things people, they matter. They matter to me atleast. → 1 Comments                                         

There is no significance to this post. I just wanted to share with everyone how hot Mila Kunis is (just in case anyone was unaware). Did you know Mila has two different eye colors? That's fucking weird...but I like it.

The stuff beautiful women can get away with. It's Amazing. Could you imagine some not so attractive woman with two different eye colors?

Guy 1 - Dude, did you see the new fat chick in logistics? She has two frickin eye colors.
Guy 2 - What is she a mutant?

[Mila Kunis walks in]

Guy 1 - Dude, Mila has two different eye colors!
Guy 2 - That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Guy 1 - I want her to have my children.

Mila is hot. I'm sorry Adriana, I'm just looking. I still love you, baby. → 2 Comments                                         

I. Am. Very. Sleepy.



Yesterday was my birthday, whoop whoop. I spent the day thinking something will go wrong. Why? Something always goes wrong on my birthday for the past few years. Guess what? Nothing went wrong. Yesterday was epic.

My friends at work took me out to my favorite Colombian restaurant. We had some great cocaine. Ok we didn’t. But we did have some great grub.







Yummy. If anyone knows a single Colombian woman who can cook, send her my way.

Then my friend gave me cupcakes with a Ninja Turtle inside. Why? Because Donatello was the brains of the operation, that's why.



Then my coworkers got a cake for me with some ice cream. Ice cream. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Crazy people, that’s who. It was vanilla for the record.


Then I went out with some of my friends here:



I wish I could've invited more people but it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I didn't want people driving all over the place during the wee hours of the night on a Wednesday. But that's when all the magic happens, Wednesdays. Make a note of that.

Thanks to all those that gave me birthday shouts, I appreciate it.

PS: Credit to Sasha for the pic of mini-Cruz → 4 Comments                                         

I was thinking about a thousand and one things last night. I was cleaning out some stuff and came across a movie stub I kept from the first date I went on with my ex. That got me thinking about my first date with another ex.

I picked up my ex-ex (we’ll call her Sheeba) in a limousine. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. Ok maybe it’s a little funny. I have no idea what possessed me to do that. It baffles me to this day. Sheeba would always tell me that the limo concept was not corny that she loved it. Even after we broke up she stuck with her story.

I met Sheeba on myspace. Ok now you may laugh. We talked for a pretty long time until one day I thought why don’t we umm actually meet? She agreed and the limo was reserved. So cheesy, my goodness.

I decided to drive over to South Beach and park my car in a garage near by the restaurant. The garage was about 7 blocks away from the restaurant and I had a bouquet of flowers with me. I had to hear whistles and ‘awws’ and light giggling for those 7 blocks from people on the strip. I get to the restaurant and notice the driver is late. I then reenacted a scene from True Life: I’m getting Married when that Jersey guy threatens the limo driver, “I’M GONNA GUT YOU LIKE A FISH IF YOU DON’T GET HERE IN 5 MINUTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!” Ok that didn’t happen. But he was a few minutes late.

Finally we arrive at her house and this happens:

Me – I’m outside
Sheeba – I don’t see your car. What the fuck is a limo doing outside my house?
[the driver opens my door]
[Burst of laugher from sheeba]

Then Sheeba’s mom pokes her head out of the front door with a huge smile. What a cheesy idea. We went back to the restaurant for some damn good grub, walked around the beach, went to Coconut Grove, went to Key Biscayne, and topped it off at a BP gas station. Sexy.

PS: It's a celebration!
→ 8 Comments                                         

"you got knocked the fuck out, man!" - Chris Tucker

Suge Knight was TKO'd.





Vanilla Ice is somewhere in a corner chuckling to himself. → 8 Comments                                         

Fusions suck. Ok? They suck.

I’m an old school kind of guy. I like my OG Jordans, I stick to those. The furthest I’d go in terms of Jordan spin offs are Spizikes. That’s all. I actually haven’t purchased a pair of Jordan’s in quite some time now. Something about seeing them everywhere I go is kind of a turn off. I buy dunks because I appreciate the rarity. I love it when someone gives me a compliment such as 'cool shoes' and has no idea what they are. Sweet. Ignorance is bliss, let's keep it that way. Then again I doubt the average sheep would even bother getting into the shoe game where the average shoe cost between $200-$400 if you don't catch them the first day they drop in a sneaker boutique.

It’s unfortunate when they’re fake as well, Jordans and Dunks alike.

You’re killing the shoe game when you do that. I can't help but think that the person who buys fakes are looking for attention. I can picture a kid in middle school purchasing fakes while trying to fit in...I can see that. But a grown man? Come on, guy.

Also, is it so hard to go out with a clean pair of kicks? How difficult is it to clean your shoes? How much of a hassle is that? I don't think it's necessary then again I'm a freak of nature.

I use to work in an upscale restaurant when I was 17. I was a busboy. I’ve came across all types of people while in the restaurant industry – racist people, rude people, cranky people, and of course cheap people. I tend to clean up after myself whenever I go out to eat because I remember what it’s like to pick up after slobs and wonder how hard is it to place everything you use on your plate when you’re finished instead of scattering everything around like you’re 3 years old. I think that was the longest sentence in history. Maybe not.

So basically I know what you’re going through, restaurant workers. I’ve been there. I’m with you.
But when you act like a fucktoid when I’m trying to eat some shrimp…then you have yourself a problem.

I went to Red Lob this weekend and came across an individual that I wanted to back slap a few times. No, actually I wanted to tie her up to a chair and stuff shrimp down her throat until she passes out. No, actually I would like to drop kick her with a pair of ugg boots. Why ugg boots? I don't know.

Me and my friends sit down and whorebag comes over and says…nothing. She hands us our menu and looks at us and says, “Drinks?” I don’t get a ‘welcome to red lobster' or some sort of greeting? How about a 'Hi' at least?

Strike one.

I ask for lemonade. Lameida, her name, brings me pink lemonade. Then this happened:

Me – uh I asked for lemonade
Lameida – there it is
Me – why is it pink?
Lameida – It’s pink lemonade
Me – exactly
Lameida – what do you mean?
Me – I asked for LEMONADE which is yellow
Lameida – we ran out
Me – then you should’ve told me 86 the lemonade and I would’ve asked for something else
Lameida – 86? I brought it cuz I thought it didn’t matter
Me – (refraining myself from tossing the pink liquid at her) I’ll just have water.

Strike two.

Our food is super delayed, surprise surprise. We finally receive our food about an hour later. I ignore the whorebag and focus on my shrimp. I noticed we weren’t given any lemons. What is this? You always bring lemon to the frickin table. I looked around for whorebag and she was making out with one of the waiters. Not a porno make out session but I believe there was some tongue action involved. I cringed and motioned to her to come to my table. On her way from the cook area she pop kisses some totally random guy that ate at a table near by. I kid you not. Fire crotch comes over and I ask her for some lemons. Then this happened:

Me – can we get some lemons?
Lameida – how many you need?
Me – I don’t know…48.

She rolled her eyes and went back to the cook area.

Strike three.

Who ask 'How many lemons do you need'? You throw a few in a dish and you take them out to the fucking table. If you brought too little...they'll tell you...then that's your cue to bring more fucking lemons. Who still rolls their eyes? Does this still happen in life? I’m about to be 22 but some people make me feel like I’m about to turn 42.

We get the bill. We leave ZERO tip. The bill came up to just about under a hundred bucks. We left a hundred dollar bill so I guess she made some sort of tip even though it was under $0.67. But that’s $0.67 too much if you ask me. Also, my friend wrote, “Get some braces, biatch!” on the back of the receipt. I wrote, “fire crotch” in ketchup on my seat and another friend wrote, “chonga” with tarter sauce on his side of the booth.

Victory is ours.
→ 8 Comments                                         

Obama picked up more superdelegates today.

Hillary - My pride and ego won't let me step aside.

I've been saved.

Not by this guy...



...But by this (click to enlarge)

I know I said I wasn’t going to watch The Real World: Hollywood anymore…but I lied. If it means anything…I only watched during time outs during the Laker vs. Jazz game. Kudos to the MVP.

What I did catch was Joey crying like a fucking baby. Again.

He’s like, “My shit is packed, I’m out of here”. And no one says anything. I understand he is a meathead but…fuck…grow some balls, Dave. I remember when I was 16 and I had to choke my older cousin while he was drunk and mouthing off to my grandmother in her house. I actually tried to choke slam him but he only went about 5 inches off the ground and broke away free. Those were the days. He looked a lot stronger than me on paper with the ripped arms and chest. But I guess my brute force was too much for him. Sexy.

Cruz – 1
Cousin with 6-pack – 0

Back to Joey. He’s all pissy in his drunken rage and threatening defenseless women and grabbing Dave. That has to been the funniest part for me. He’s grabbing Dave all the while Dave is probably thinking, “God, please don’t let him hit me. Please!”. Pussy. It’s times like these that make me wish I were on the show.

Joey – I’m outta here!!!
Me – Good, bitch! Take your hair with you! It’s scaring us all!

Then later in the show we see where Brianna works…in a trailer? Was that strip club inside of a trailer? I could be wrong but it looked like a huge trailer. I expected the place to be shitty but not that shitty. Yikes. → 4 Comments                                         

You know what bothers me? (A lot of things, yes)

I have to park in the employee parking lot. I don’t even know where to begin with this nonsense.

There are (5) floors in the garage. The first, second, and beginning of the third are off limits to employees. Why? No fucking clue. Employees have to park beyond the third floor.

Then there are these fire rescue and community development vehicles that are scattered throughout the third floor. Why aren’t these piece of shit automobiles parked on the roof or somewhere near the roof?

I use to be able to park on the street adjacent to the building. Now I can’t anymore because some asshole employee decided to be a lazy fucktoid and parked in the lot of some salon across the street. The owner was pissed and complained to the mayor. Now we have rules and regulations regarding parking. Over one fucking person. Now there are these little trolls who patrol the side street area in the morning to make sure employees don't get a taste of heaven. We cant park on the public street which is free to the fucking public. Fuck.

This bothers me…yes. But it's not what's bothering me this morning.

I usually park on the roof because it has an awesome view of downtown Miami and none of the horrible drivers inside the garage can bump, scratch, or hit my car. But sometimes I park on the 4th floor whenever I get to work a little earlier than usual.

This morning I park, get out of my car and notice that (4) people are staring at me from the inside of their cars. Four separate drivers, four separate cars. What is this? I feel like I’m dying in the desert and a bunch of vultures are surrounding me.

When you stare at someone who is in the process of getting out of their vehicle…it’s fucking creepy ok? It’s only 10 minutes before you have to get to work…go inside, creepo. I don’t have a problem with people hanging out in their car before work but…DON’T FUCKING STARE AT PEOPLE…especially if you’re a guy.

This happens every time I park on the 4th floor and I always put my head down and power walk my way to the staircase. Not today, I wasn’t having it. You want to stare at me? Cool! I’m going to stare right back and make it uncomfortable for us all!

I looked over to this one dude who was looking at me this morning. He looked back and about five seconds later he snapped out of some trance he was in and gave me a head nod. What the fuck was that? If someone looks at you and it takes you (5) seconds to react…it’s fucking weird ok? And no, he’s not gay.

I looked over to this old lady and she quickly looked away as if she has been caught.

Dramatization:

[looking down…looking down…then suddenly I look up at her]
[old lady looks away abruptly]
Me – A-HA! Gotcha, bitch! Stop it!
[I run away towards the staircase while screaming]

Ok the running, screaming and a-ha part only happened in my head.

Don’t stare at people, ok? You never know who's blog you're going to end up on...

Apparently I've been called upon to put an end to domestic violence. Below is a pic of myself. Give me a superhero name and my special powers.

Creativity gets you 2 points.

Lack of creativity gets you a virus.

Just kidding.

→ 10 Comments                                         

[8 year old girl watches Tila Tequila: A shot at love 2]

Girl – Mommy…why is Tila kissing that girl?

[Mom summersaults over to the TV and drop kicks it]

Mom – Its way past your bed time, go to your room.
Girl – But its 4:30 in the afternoon?
Mom – I SAID MOVE IT!

I went over to an aunt’s house last night to score some blow. Ok I didn’t, just went to visit. I was extremely bored so I went over to the living room to watch some good ol’ TV. I’m flipping through channels and almost every frickin channel is blocked. Comedy central…blocked. FX…blocked. Bravo…blocked. Why is Bravo blocked? Because two women made out during an episode of Work Out. My aunt isn’t having that. She takes care of her eight year old granddaughter that lives with her. Did I mention that my aunt is a very conservative woman? Oh yeah, she’s definitely not having that.

MTV is blocked as well. It’s sad when you need a pass code to watch MTV. But that’s the world we live in today folks. Women making out with men and other women promiscuously for a shot at love...rightttt. Love, hehe.

I use to watch NEXT a couple of years ago until this one episode:

Meet Craig, he is a star athlete that always gets his way. But he might have to do a little more than flex his muscles for these boys ----WHAT!? Did she say boys?

[Then there’s a pan shot of four other guys inside the bus]

AH fuck, she did say boys! What the fuck. I’m not homophobic or anything but…I don’t want to have to explain to little Billy why two grown men are kissing. Who Is little Billy? I don’t know, made him up. He has braces.

I never saw an episode of Next again.

Its too much pressure explaining to children (other than my own) why two grown men or women are kissing. For example:

Me - They're pretending!
Billy - Oh! Otay.

[Then Billy is caught making out with his younger brother]

Mom - BILLY, WHAT ON EARTH!?
Billy - We were pretending!

Eh. → 4 Comments                                         

Scenario: you’re just coming back from your lunch break at work. You sit down at your desk and then it hits you. That’s right folks, it’s #2 time. Everyone does it at one point or another at work. Don’t act like you haven’t.

So I ru- walk over to the restroom chanting in my head, “Please be empty, please be empty”. I open the door and YES! EMPTY!

I give myself a mental high five and did the George Jefferson all the way over to the handicap stall. Why the handicap stall? Because it has its own separate sink, it's own seperate mirror, and there’s a bunch of free space that allows me to pace back and forth if I felt like it.

So I’ve set up the toilet seat with 1,000 pounds of toilet tissue when suddenly some guy walks in. FUCK. I yelled out FUCK (inside my head) and punched the wall (also inside my head). Then I couldn’t go for some reason. I guess I got stage fright?

Note to ladies: it only happens during #2 ; )

Back to the fucktoid. I could hear every single fucking step he took with his loud shoes. He took about 5 steps and then I heard nothing. There was a 3-6 second pause. Then he started using the sink area that’s located in the front of the restroom. He uses it for about a minute and a half. That is way too long! It doesn't take a minute and a half to wash your hands. Then he goes over to dry his hands. This fucker doesn’t use paper towels, oh no-no-no. He’s environly-friendly, he uses the fucking hand dryer.

I don’t know about you but I don’t like this. If someone is doing #2 – get out of the restroom as soon as possible. GET OUT. This is not a time to linger around. You’re bored? Go to the fucking lounge and look at an issue of US Weekly.

Fucktoid finished drying his hands a minute later and apparently he now has to use the restroom. What the fuck. You just washed and dried your hands. What the fuck. I repeat, WHAT THE FUCK.

So I hear him unzip, piss, the pissing stops and he jumps up and down, he zips up, and pauses for a good 10 seconds. At this point I’m ready to give this guy a swirly.
He then goes and washed his hands for the second time. That’s way too many times for one trip. He goes to dry his hands and FINALLY he fucking leaves.

I don’t know who you are, mystery asshole man. But I got a positive I.D. on your shoes and I will go for a little walk around the building with a notepad taking notes. Im going to find you. And when I do…you’re going to get a fucking swirly.

This will be the last post on Subterfuge. Yes, you did read that last sentence correctly.

I don’t have the time or the effort to continue posting my life away on a web site that very few people even know exist.

I let everything out on this blog. Everything I post is true. Yet no one in my close circle of friends even know that I blog (with the exception of a few / maybe a hand full). Some of my friends don't even know what a blog is. Some of them probably would be shocked at the notion of me reading let alone blogging.

Friend – What’s that in your hand?
Me – A book.
Friend – Like…to read?
Me – No, it keeps my hands warm.

Dick.

I want to thank those who stopped by every now and then and left a nice feedback or two. I’d also like to thank the ones that left feedback on certain post that made me wonder why the fuck they tried in the first place. Dramatization:

[Post topic is about dead babies]

[Person leaves a comment: your blog is awesome! ;p

Get out. Get out and don’t come back. Don't worry about closing the door, just leave. If you don’t have anything to say about the post…don’t comment? If your comment has no relevancy whatsoever then just click away. You aren’t obligated to comment…so…don’t? Ok? Got it? Great. Cool.

So today will be the last day at Subterfuge. I will delete the site and go on my separate way.

PS: Everything I said above is a lie. Sorry, I was bored...Happy Thursday!
→ 10 Comments                                         

Today we pay homage to a fallen musician: Kurt Cobain. Why? Because he’s awesome and because I say so.

2pac, Biggie Smalls, Big Pun, Big L, Aaliyah, and Cobain…damn it.

I hope this scenario plays out after I die:

Me – whoa…did I just die? Where am I?
God – Hello, Mr. Cruz.
Me – Are you…?
God – Yes. Come with me, my son. I have lots to tell you.

Then he explains to me that all the merciless killings and cancer stricken patients and every devastating situation a human being encounters in life was for a reason. There was a purpose for all of it. Then he lets me know when I’ll meet again with my family and friends which are still alive on Earth.

Me – Wow I feel a lot better.
God – want to check out this concert with me?
Me – who’s playing?
God [smirks] – come, my son.

Then he takes me to see all of the fallen musicians I mentioned above. Sweet. I’m gonna rock out with my coc---wait…not sure if I could do that in heaven.



R.I.P.
→ 8 Comments                                         

Rick Ross said in an MTV interview that his album Trilla will be legendary. Wowzers! Legendary? The balls on this guy, eh? If his album is Legendary...then what is Notorious BIG - Ready to Die? Here's some advice for Ricky:

I went out to Bed Bath and Beyond during my lunch break. Men shop there, ok?

So I'm at the check out line and I see a box of gummy bears. I wanted it. But it was $1.49 (PLUS TAX) for the box. I could get (2) bigger bags in the hood for a buck. A BUCK. ONE DOLLAR. But I ended up coughing up two bucks for it.

Look how big the box is:

It takes up more than half of my keyboard. I'm thinking sweeeet, more candy for me bitches. And do you see the triangle to the bottom left? Fat free bitches. Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!

But!

I open the fucking box and this comes out:


A little fucking bag that is no bigger than my stapler. I gave up (2) bucks for this. And look closely...where the fuck are the rest of the reds? Why is there 9,000 oranges? I don't like orange, ok? Cut the shit and hook me up with more reds than any other color. Why don't they make bags that are filled with red and green gummy bears? Only red and green. That's the kind of world I want to live in.

The person/machine that filled this bag is an asshole. If you're reading this blog somehow...FUCK YOU. → 10 Comments                                         

Check out some Li Wei pics








I'm blown away by his awesomeness. → 14 Comments                                         

This month is taking forever, yet, the year has been flying by. We're almost half way through. I said almost, ok? I feel like it was yesterday that I knocked back half a bottle of Hennessy on New Year's Eve.

Weekend recap:

Went out with one of these and saw this. I can't wait for this to come out.

Watched this with a few of these.

Ate this [it wasn't all that]

Saw a lot of this

And got drooled on a lot. By who?

Max says hi [the bulldog].

Something happened to me yesterday that is making me question to myself: was I put on earth to stop domestic violence?

Let me fill you in with what happened. I’m pumping gas ($3.68/gallon) and hating life when I see a woman walking into the gas station lot. Moments later a man in a Kia Sportage pulls up next to her and the following happens:

Man in Kia – GET IN THE FUCKING CAR, NOW!
Lady – But…im...
Man in Kia – NOW! [then he begins to yell under his voice some type of gibberish, I couldn’t make it out]

The look in his eyes and his tone of voice made me uncomfortable. That was yesterday. Now let’s journey back to 2004.

A close friend of mine use to work at a restaurant at South Beach. I use to pick him up almost every Friday night (3am). I’d pick him up and we’d stay around messing with the hotties on the beach. Those were the days. Any who, so one night I’m on the way to the restaurant and I believe it was WMC weekend because traffic was unbearable. There’s always traffic on the beach but when an event pops up…it gets nasty.

So I’m stopped behind a cab and I see a sexy early to mid-thirties lady crying. She walks over to the passenger side of a very nice Mercedes benz. She opens the door, gets inside and tries to shut it. Out of the crowd comes her boyfriend (or husband) and he grabs the door before she shuts it and smacks her in the face. I’m not talking about the type that football coaches do. No, I’m talking about this kind.

My jaw dropped. I don't think I’ve ever seen a guy smack a lady like that. I have seen worst though. My cousin (18 years old at the time) was hit in the head by his girlfriend (16 at the time) with a frozen bottle of water. He received stitches. How did he retaliate? He hit her with his car. They were arguing outside, he got into the car, she got out in front, she wouldn’t move so he stepped on the gas and hit her. True mother fucking story. I have family witnesses that can back me up.

I also have another cousin who use to get beat up by his girlfriend but that is another side of domestic violence.

So, yesterday brought up a question in my mind: I'm I suppose to mingle in other peoples business and fight domestic violence? Am I some sort domestic violence superhero? If so, what are my powers? What is my superhero name? → 6 Comments                                         

Humans are fascinating creatures. The stuff that comes out of peoples mouths are down right hilarious sometimes. I meant that last sentence sarcastically. That's the problem with reading my blog. You can’t see the look on my face every time I get cynical.

I have to share what I saw last night. I saw this touching movie on the lifetime channel. It was about a young teen who becomes pregnant during her freshman year at high school. Ok that was a lie. It must’ve been a typo, a typo, a typo. Ok what I really watched was True Life: I'm an alcoholic. Again. But what made me laugh was a commercial for The Real World: Hollywood.

The one where Kimberly says to Brianna, "Ok let's not get ghetto."I actually LOL'd. My dog (mans best friend) looked at me as if I were yodeling or something.

That commercial sucked me in so I ended up watching the show from the beginning. Here is what I think about the cast so far:

Brianna - Initial reaction: is she black? Come on I know I’m not the only one with that question! Hmm she's a stripper, eh? What kind of strip club does she work for? She looks like a stripper that works Monday through Wednesday. She's not getting any of my Washington’s.

Joey - Dude is scary huge. Which is more frightening: his hair or his muscles? Is there a reason for being that big besides tossing pianos around? He's too sensitive. "I've gotten my ass kicked since I was 2 years old" boo hoo. Geez go cry about it. Now I see why you're so big, cry baby.

Will - Seems like an ok dude, kind of corny but then again who knows what type of person he is when the camera is off. I don’t know which is worst: someone that says dude every five seconds or someone who says 'that’s wassup' every five seconds? Cut it out, Will.

Dave - Seems like a good wingman. Yes, men are that desperate. Fuck what your girl roommates think. Go after boobers, let her in the house! He's ok. Try to keep your penis in your pants though.

Kimberly - Super racist, cute, but super racist.

I like Greg...so far. Why? Because he keeps it real damn it. He doesn’t put on a show in front of strangers let alone a national audience. He likes messing with people. He reminds me of myself. I agree with him, there are no hot women in the house. There are some cute females but nothing serious. I love how the camera shows all the shots Greg missed on the basketball court. Symbolism on MTV? No!?

Sarah - Seems to suffer from little Ms. Princess Syndrome. She has to be one of the most annoying people in the house. She cheated on her boyfriend after the 1st day. Technically...doesn’t her boyfriend have to go hunt down Will now? For those has not seen this episode yet: Sarah's geeky boyfriend takes off his prescription glasses and says, "If any guy out there messes with my girl, i'll hunt you down and kick your ass"

In that case:
Will - 1
Sarah Bf - 0

I could be wrong though. Don’t judge a book by its cover, kiddies. Her bf looks like a charter member of Oprah's book club but ultimate fighting could be one of his hobbies for all we know. You can't blame Will though! It's all Sarah's punk ass fault, whore. Classic problem with the 18-21 year old female demographic.

Episode 2 recap:

-It's one thing to be goofy on your birthday and it’s another thing to invite random guys to your house when you have a boyfriend, Sarah. Dumb ass. She might have caught herpes if it wasn’t for Joey scaring the guy off.

-Did anyone notice how much smaller the guy that Joey arm wrestled was? He beat Joey what...3 times? Joe's a head case. Run away when he drinks, run!

-Inner-city-blacksville? Wowzers. Kim has to be the most racist cast member ever. Jesse Jackson would be yelling at the screen if he watched this episode.

Notice how long commercials last? Not long at all. I'm shocked!

I guess I’ll continue watching. I haven’t watched The Real World since the Las Vegas season. You know what I want to see for once? A chick that isn’t so easy. Come on MTV, Surprise me! But then again prude chick’s doesn’t equal to high ratings. Damn it. Stay tuned next week for when I bash Tila Tequila. → 14 Comments                                         

Isn’t it funny how some people say, “Fuck the police!” yet they’re the main ones crying for the law?

Thug – FUCK the cops! Oink oink, bitch!
Cop – Are you done? [Walks away]
Thug – Peace, piggy! [Walks down the street and gets mugged]
Thug – HEY! HE STOLE MY WALLET! CHASE HIM!!

Yeah…you’d like that wouldn't you? How would you like it if a cop goes to your place of employment to heckle you? You’re in the cafeteria mopping the floor and a cop comes and kicks over your bucket of water.

Cop – Dry this shit up, Janitor! A kid just threw up by the library, get your mop ready! Bitch.

Not all cops are assholes. I can vouch for some, just good people trying to keep the streets a little more safe. I'm aware of the ones who join the force for all the wrong reasons. But for the most part (mostly the younger generation) they're just regular people who drive to work every morning hoping that they never have to use their gun.

I meant to talk about the scene I saw outside my house this morning but yet again I got sidetracked during this post, sorry. I woke up to flashing red and blue lights this morning. I don’t have a strobe light in my room; the lights came from the 7 squad cars that were outside my home.

It turns out that there was an attempted grand theft auto around five in the morning. A sixteen year old (yes, 16) broke into the house across the street from mine in hopes of stealing an Infiniti FX45. The owner of the house/car met the kid in the living room with his 357 magnum, he pistol whipped the kid. Then a struggle ensued, the kid tried to run out the front door and the owner of the house tackled him out by the mailbox. Then three shots were fired. The kid was struck with one but apparently he'll be ok because it was a flesh wound to the leg.

I think i'd be pissed if I ever get shot and someone says, "Oh it's ok...it's just a flesh wound." It's ok? It's ok!? How about I just shoot you, huh!? Huh!? YOU feel THIS burning sensation and you tell me if it's ok! It hurts, bitch!

I've noticed that there is a lot of profanity in this post. My apologies.

You know what worries me about this whole ordeal? I heard not one gun shot. I learned something today: I sleep like a fucking baby. Have you ever heard a 357 magnum go off? It’s fucking loud, trust me. My neighbor said he heard all three shots perfectly clear. This worries me because someone can break into my home during the wee hours of the night and I’ll be comfortably hugging my favorite pillow in the fetal position on a 3rd or possibly 4th dream. Wee hours of the night. I picture a bunch of Asians playing Wii at 3am. [no offense to any Asians].

I don't know what to do. Put microphones around my property so I could hear what's going on during the night? No. Sleep with the windows open? No. I need help.

Shout out to my nosey neighbor who went over across the street to find out all the dirt for me, much love. He got a fist pump this morning. He didn't know what I was doing at first so he grabbed my hand. Leave it to me to make an elder feel awkward.

Remember this?

Apparently this happens in real life...kind of.

So i'm at a lounge last night chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool. I'm drinking like a fish. Wait a second. Do fish drink water? Someone please google it and let me know, thanks.

Where was I? Oh yea I was drinking like Carmelo Anthony. I needed to pay the water bill so I ran (power walked) to the rest room. There are 9 urinals in the men's room and 4 enclosed toilets. Counting from left to right, I went to urinal #2. I unzip and...ahhh. Priceless. Is there a better feeling than that release?

Any who so I'm letting it out and some guy walks in coughing and hawks up a loogie and spits it into the trash. Then guess where he goes to take a piss? Urinal number fucking 3. I kept cool and put a nasty frown on my face. The kind when:

-you're stuck behind someone at a toll booth who doesn't have a quarter and you have to wait for the toll lady to take down all their information.

-a cop pulls you over for being a minority in a bad neighborhood.

- back in 1994 you'd go to blockbuster to check out a new movie release that just came out...and it was fucking rented out. How bad did you hate that?

Me - Dude! Blockbuster has Angels in the Outfield!
Friend - Sweeeeeeeet! Let's go!
Me [notices that they're out] - Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Let's burn this motherfucker down!

So I basically hugged the urinal until I finished urinating. As I walked over to wash my hands the guy says, "Hey-you know what time it is?" Fuck you, men don't speak to each in restrooms, ok? Wait until we're both outside and then you ask for the time. Ask me whatever you want outside, ask for the weather, who is the Dalai Lama, I don't know...a fucking algebraic equation. Just don't ask me inside the restroom unless we're both waiting to wash/dry our hands. be kind to the environment, dry your hands ; )

Happy Earth Day. Now go hug a tree. → 9 Comments                                         

I’m getting an “it’s cool to do drugs” vibe when I watch TV lately.

I watched a whole lot of bball this weekend. I was flipping through channels during a commercial break and landed on comedy central during ‘stoner comedy weekend’. Are they encouraging viewers to watch these movies while they’re stoned? I understand that they’re ‘stoner comedies’ but you don’t have to be stoned to enjoy the fucking movie.

Its cute how being stoned is cool nowadays. Call me a geek, sweet. Call me un-cool, sweet. But I got a name for you stoners out there: Junkie. You’re junkies, my friends. I don’t care who you are.

Mr. Miyagi – Cruz-san
Me – Oh shit, it’s Mr. Miyagi! I love that karate shit!
Mr. Miyagi – You know nothing of karate.
Me – Uh…you use it to kick ass. I know plenty.
Mr. Miyagi – Karate for defense only.
Me – Oh. I…didn’t know that.
Mr. Miyagi – Hai. Now you know. Would you like to smoke some refer?
Me – No way, Junkie!
[I run away]

I don’t know why I ran away? I just did.

Random: You know why my co-workers are cool?

Because they bring me grits. Thanks, Norma. → 4 Comments                                         

I just had the most amazing weekend ever. It was filled with drugs, sex, midgets, and money. Ok two of the four are lies. The opening line is a lie too, my weekend sucked. I became an alcoholic, had an intervention, and conquered alcoholism all in a 3 day span!

It began Friday night. I finished some business I had to take care of and needed a drink. We were out of Sunny Delight so I chose the next best thing: Goose.A sip led to a gulp and that led to me making it rain on myself, yes, myself.

I went to a little event on Saturday morning and guess what I had for breakfast? Eggo Waffles. You thought I was going to say Grey Goose, didn’t you? Come on now. I’m not that much of a drunk. I had it for lunch.

My mother asked to borrow some money so I told her to go ahead and get it from my secret stash in my room. Disclaimer: for those bloggers who has been to my home: I have no secret stash, don’t bother looking. I’ll stab you if you do.

So she goes into my room and finds an empty bottle of Goose. Great.

I get home later that Saturday to a living room filled with Christians. My mother actually set up a prayer session for me. She said quote, “I know you’re fighting with a lot of demons and we want you to know that we love you”. Very touchy moment. But demons? I mean I like Angel just as much as the next guy but those are the only demons in my life. Well they use to be in my life. I’m pretty sure the show was canceled years ago. I'm also pretty sure that I was the only guy to like that show.

Any who, they gathered around me in a circle and began to pray. This one guy touched my shoulder and began yelling and I’m thinking goodness gracious...are they performing an exorcism on me? They all had their eyes shut and I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid in my life. But the praying and chanting stopped and I went to take a shower (good shower might I add).

I went to sleep and dreamt that I gave myself a mohawk. I don’t know what that symbolizes but I woke up and lost the need for alcohol.

This post has a bunch of exaggeration so believe with caution. I also embellished a tad.

Happy Monday, biatches. → 3 Comments                                         

Myspace. Home of the strange, adored by deviants.

I usually get a message or two a day from strange people. I got a message from a guy maybe a year ago that went something like this:

"Dude! Your name is Radames!? That's my name too! How weird! You live in Miami? We should totally hang out! You know what our name means?" ---No, we shouldnt hang out. I wish I had saved that message.

Myspace is for trick ass marks, a mark ass trick, skeezers, scally wags, scally wops and hooli hoo's. I don't know what that means either. Word to Chappelle.

Wouldnt it be nice to receive a message from a nice wholesome young lady with moral values and a cute smile? That'd be sweet. But guess what? It's not going to happen, home slice. Instead you'll receive messages like this:

[Click the pic to enlarge]



Only if you're cute, of course. [Gave myself a high five]

Not everyone on myspace are deviants. Some people still use it as means of communicating with family/friends. That's cool. Cool. Cool, cool. We're on the same boat. Don't rock it, I get sea sick. → 6 Comments                                         

I’m a morning person. The rest of the world is not apparently. You have to wake up at 6am to get to work? Aww! Poor baby! Somebody cut this guy some slack! Cutting slack. This term has always fascinated me. This is what goes on in my head when I hear, “Cut him/her some slack”...

[I walk into an elementary school-like cafeteria]

Cafeteria lady – Good day, Mr. Cruz!
Me – Hello, Pam!
Cafeteria lady – Look at you, looking all handsome and what not!
Me [blushing] – oh stop it!
Me – What’s on the menu today?
Cafeteria lady – some lovely slack
Me – can you cut me some?
Cafeteria lady - I don’t know….can I?

[Both laugh hysterically]

Ok enough of that. So I’m driving along listening to my music (ATB – Ecstasy) and stop at a red light. It wasn’t full blast but you could definitely hear it if you weren’t listening to music. A guy next to me looks at me as if saying, “It’s too early for that shit, TURN IT OFF!” But you know what bud? Too fucking bad! It’s not too early for me! I’ll blast Elton John at whatever fucking time I want! Or maybe the look the guy gave me was more of a, “Dude…the fuck are you listening to?”.

Green light, time to boogie. I made a pit stop at a 7/11 and everyone in the store hates life except for me. I held the door open for a lady (being all gentlemen like) and she didn’t even say thank you. I don’t even think she knew what today’s date is. I gave her a mental fuck you and went to over to get a red bull. That was a lie. I hate red bull. I went over to the beverage section and got myself a 40 oz. Schlitz Malt Liquor. That was a lie too. I got an orange juice, ok? Dangerous, eh? That’s all me, baby. Fuego.

I boogie (word of the day) over to pay for my OJ and the guy behind the counter looks like a zombie. Something like this:


But minus the blood and he was black, not white. And he didn’t have a suit on. And…ok you get the picture. I hope.

I’m in my own perky world this morning…alone. Does anyone care to join me? → 6 Comments                                         

Ever had one of those days where you forget how to spell certain words? I work with a data entry program at work and it doesn’t have a spell check button. I'm feeling a little dyslexic today. Don’t make fun of me. Don't make fun of slow children!!

What have I misspelled today?

Canllation – this is suppose to be cancellation. I looked at it for about 20 seconds and thought what is wrong with it? It took me 20 seconds to find out i'm a moron.

Modificatio – this is supposed to be modification.

Recieved – I actually spelled received that way. Unreal.

Facillity – Facility doesn’t have two L’s! Wtf was I thinking?

I need a break, vacation, I don't know a spelling course. Something!

Today blohs blows. → 4 Comments                                         

I learned a lot of things throughout life. I’ve talked about some one them in the past.

Today marks the anniversary (kind of) of one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. I say kind of because I don’t remember the exact date, I just remember that it was some day in between the month of April (9 years ago).

My cousin and I were pretty much like brothers for a few years. We got into trouble countless times. I remember helping his friends steal a folder filled with rare Pokémon cards (We were 13) from a geek that lived down the street from him.

I actually feel pretty guilty for doing that. My job was to distract the kid while the other guys ran into his room and grab what they could. I talked to the poor kid about his game boy while my friends went inside to, "use the restroom". Make sure this is playing in the background while you’re reading this part. He was so naive and innocent. He knew nothing of the cruelty in this world. All he wanted was a friend. I put his game boy in my pocket when he wasn't looking. My friends ran out of his house yelling, “Go, go, go!” I had his game boy in my pocket. He looked at me with a look of confusion. I felt like Skeet Ulrich in As Good as It Gets when Simon notices that he has been betrayed by Vincent. We ran. They put the folder inside a plastic bag, buried it in my cousin's backyard, and placed a crate on top of it.

Did we steal social security cards? Did we steal bank statements from Enron? My friends went out of control with their paranoia. They eventually fought over the cards. Whatever. I was happy with the game boy.

We did stupid shit like this ever since I could remember. The older we got, the more trouble we got into. Let’s fast forward two years after the Pokémon incident.

My sister was pretty liberal with her car. She’d let my cousin and I joy ride all the time around my neighborhood. Ever heard of ghost riding the whip? We invented that. Kind of. We use to drive about 15-20 MPH and hop out or sit on top of the roof while the other recorded the stupidity with a video camera.

Here’s where it gets really stupid. My sister had a Ford Focus. This car had a latch inside of the trunk that allowed you to open the trunk from the inside. Amazing news to stupid kids like ourselves. We got a kick out of scaring unsuspecting people at street corners, shopping plazas, wherever. We sometimes threw water balloons and eggs as well. One day we go out for a little joy riding with my sister. My sister is driving and my cousin is riding shotgun. Riding shotgun. I wonder who came up with that. Any who, I’m in the trunk.

We begin at a Shell gas station. My cousin gives me the signal (2 loud thumps) and I open the trunk and yell out something like ‘AHHH!’ or ‘BWUAH!!!’. Sad...yes I know. People would freak out. This one guy in particular with gold grills yelled out when I scared him. I don’t think you’re allowed to scream like that with grills in your mouth. I believe your hood pass gets revoked.

So we’re driving along scaring people and I hear a police siren. I think to myself, “no...hehehe.” Then the siren becomes louder and louder as it gets closer. Then I hear multiply squad cars. Now I’m saying ‘not good, not good’ 198 times repeatedly to myself. Then a cop yells out from his bullhorn, “PULL OVER AND TURN OFF THE VEHICLE. SLOWLY THROW THE KEYS OUTSIDE OF THE CAR! DRIVER, SLOWLY OPEN THE DOOR FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH YOUR LEFT HAND!”. By this point I’m convincing God how much I’ll change my ways if he prevents the cops from Rodney King-ing me.

Then…silence.

I hear nothing but radio dispatching. Then I hear keys jiggling and a cop opens the trunk. I see 5 police officers with their guns drawn at me. They see a chubby teen curled into the fetal position. I said, "Hi." I think they all simultaneously yelled expletives at me and made me get out of the trunk.

There were two cops that spoke to me at the scene. Good cop, bad cop. Bad cop was this 5 foot nothing Caucasian dude that used my leg as a soccer ball when I didn't spread my legs far enough when he asked me to. Bad cop wanted me to spend the weekend in jail or as he eloquently put it: We should lock your stupid asses up for the weekend so bubba can make you funny boys laugh! Fucking Morons!.

Good cop was this huge black dude that looked something like Jason Taylor, yay for the ladies. He explained to us that they received a call from a lady saying that she saw a dead body in the trunk of a blue Ford Focus. Yeah. There were 9 squad cars from my count. I didn't have a belt on during this whole ordeal and Bad cop didn't give me a chance to pull up my pants. So I was standing in the middle of an intersection in cuffs with pants halfway down my ass. And of course that day was laundry day so I had on tighty whitey's. Great. I never had been beeped at so much by drivers passing by. Now I know how hot women feel like when pervs honk at them.

They let us go with a warning. Bad cop apparently wanted me to get butt raped. Fuck the bad cop. As we drove off, Power 96 (radio station) was playing ‘Wish by Skee-lo’. I felt like dedicating it to the bad cop but I really didn’t want to meet bubba. → 3 Comments                                         

I usually can’t remember most of my dreams. It’s a situation where I’d have to immediately write down what happened as soon as I wake up or I’d forget in less than a minute (strange, yes). I remember color dreams, dying in dreams, cooking, stabbing, loving, jousting, and washing but I can’t remember any other details from those dreams. There is only one dream that I could never get out of my head.

See the picture above? Yes, it’s Christopher Walken. Respect. Do you see how he is kneeling down on the desk? Some random demon like angel with wings covered in blood was kneeling that same way on the roof of my childhood house, right above the entrance. That creeps me out today let alone 10 years ago. I blame The Prophecy.

But last nights dream wasn’t frightful at all. I was in someone’s living room playing guitar hero (<3).

Although, the dance dance revolution screen was up, not the traditional guitar hero screen. It wasnt a special edition game or anything...it was just fucking weird. This is what I saw:

I guess the ‘me’ in the dream didn’t notice because I kept rocking out. I don't even know how the controls worked but they did! I don't get it! I'm flabbergasted! For those who havent played Guitar hero, this is what the screen should look like:

Here’s where the weird part comes in. The screen changes from DDR and a screen shot of this guy pops up on screen with a blue bar:

Erik Estrada. Yes, the guy from Chips. I'm sure some of you have seen his infomercials on Saturday mornings. Any who, back to the game. He pops up on screen holding a gun along with a blue bar that moves across the screen. You have to tap the blue button (on the guitar) repeatedly in order to reach the end of the bar. And while you’re tapping the blue button…gun sounds exploded from the speakers (the sound of a machine gun to be exact). I tap, tap and tap some more. Then I finish the CHIPS level and the Estrada holding a gun picture transitions into a picture of Estrada giving me two thumbs up as if he was the Fonz. Then I woke up.

I would’ve said WTF a million and one times if that really happened. Why was it so normal for me during the dream? Has anyone ever been able to process information thoroughly while dreaming? Is there any common sense in the dream state? Am I asking too many questions? Ok I’ll stop.

Happy Tuesday, biatches.

[McClane hands Zeus a gun]
John McClane: You know how to fire one of these?
Zeus: No.
John McClane: No?
Zeus: Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker.

Die Hard: With a vengeance has to be one of my favorite movies of all time. One thing that bothers me throughout the movie is this bitch:

German Assassin bitch

She really thought she was hot shit. I don't think there is anyone else in the history of film whom I've hated more. But I've compiled a list and here are the bitches that I would've loved to have stabbed throughout my life:

Ms. Trenchbull - Matilda (Yes, Matilda. Stop laughing)

What a bitch. Try to put me in the choking and Cruz is going to have to choke him a bitch.

MoniqueHer jealousy towards skinny women upsets me. Stop hating on the skinny girls for wearing sexy clothing. If you got it flaunt it. Don't hate, damn it! Go order yourself a triple whopper meal and shut the fuck up.

Rosie O'Donnell
And last but not least, Donald Trump's best friend. Lady, you're not funny. Please...shhhush.

"Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book be its cover."

Why was I such a dick?

Why couldn't I give a little more?

I'm sorry for treating you like shit.

I'm sorry for not spending more time with your family. Yes, your mother is a bitch but I should have just compromised and kept my mouth shut. You cared so much for my parents and I could careless about yours. My mother loved you. My dad loved you. I never seen him so genuine with another girlfriend of mine. I feel stupid for what i've done.

I'm sorry for letting my anger ruin certain moments. It's incredibly easy to just let it go but I never did. So many good times that could have been great.

I'm sorry for hanging out with females certain times out of a week and never telling you. You would have NEVER done that to me and I feel pretty ridiculous right now for doing that to you. Honesty is key and I wasn't at all.

I'm sorry for making you cry all those times. You definitely didn't deserve any of them. Especially when you dropped me off for my dentist appointment. I don't know who that guy is but it certainly wasn't me.

I'm sorry for not giving you the emotional attention you wanted at certain times. How much easier could things have been if i'd just held your hand that time, hugged you or sat next to you when you wanted. How hard is it to stay an extra 5 minutes outside your house? Why was I in such a rush to leave?

Our biggest problem was that you cared so much about me. You didn't cheat on me, you didn't have bad habits, you didn't neglect me, you didn't lie to me, you weren't selfish, no. You genuinely cared for me, you'd text me throughout the work day, you'd call me when i'd ask you to after work, you'd want to come over all the time. Our biggest problem was how I couldn't get over the fact that someone out there is actually willing to spend all of their time with me.

Do you know how sad it is for your own mother to tell your girlfriend to end the relationship because her son is an asshole?

I'm sorry for making you feel like everything I ever told you was a lie. It wasn't a lie.

I made you feel shitty for loving me.

I knew all about your abandonment issues yet I made things worst for you in the end.

It's terrible that the good times will be overshadowed by the bad.

I'm sorry for never apologizing.

I hope you do find someone better than that guy who you use to be with. I don't know who that guy is. I feel brainwashed when I think of it. I don't want forgiveness, I just want something better for you.

→ 43 Comments                                         

I don't know if you watch this stuff but this guy above got knocked the fuck out. His name is Robert Paulson. No seriously, his name is Prince Mclean. After his TKO he began to cry about it on national TV. He wept. We all know there's no crying in baseball so there's definitely no crying in MMA! I don't think I've ever seen a black guy cry so hard. Interesting.

Ok enough picking on him.

Let's pick on this guy, Dan Simmler. He didn't cry when he got knocked out. No, he moaned out loud as if he was dying in last nights episode. A doctor said his jaw is a mess. When he finally comes to, he doesn't even remember what happened. He doesn't even know where he is at. I've learned something from this fight: don't underestimate goofy looking white boys. If you haven't watched the show, Matthew Riddle is a goofy looking white boy. But he put the smack down on Simmler.

Ok there's my MMA fix for the day. I'll post more crap throughout the day.

Cheers.

You're the man now, dog! - that came from Sean Connery. He yelled that out to me when he heard about my 100th post. Ok I made that up. But this is my 100th post. Mazal Tov, to all! Now you're all going to suffer because this is...THE LONGEST POST OF LIFE...sort of.

The next lucky lady who gets taken out on a date by me will think I'm cheap, awesome, but cheap.

Let me give you a little back drop of what has been happening in my love life recently.

Boy (me).

Boy takes girl out on a fantastic evening filled with some form of entertainment along with fabulous food and an awesome me to converse with. When I say order whatever you want, its out of generosity and kindness from my part. I'm not trying to impress you. It is also not a time for you to order duck a l'orange. Who orders duck a l'orange on a first date? Get something an average person would get like sautéed chicken breast or something. Not duck a l'orange.

Any who, the inability to meet boy's standard usually kicks in somewhere during the date (or after) and boy is left with a depleted wallet. Solution? Explore better options (women)? Perhaps. But one thing I will try to do is cut back on the fine wining and dining.

**Date night**
Full tank of gas - $47
Hair cut - $20
Tickets to comedy show - free (don't ask)
Drinks - $23
Dinner - $88 (tip and tax included)
Total - $178

I work for the government, not for the New York Yankees. That amount of money on a first date is unacceptable. I'm not Donald Trumps son, I am Teresa's son and I'm not how Jim Jones puts it: Ballin.

I've came up with a new 'game plan'. Here me out!

Option A: Subtlety is sexy...hopefully. My next date will be subtle, unadorned and somewhat haphazard. There will be nothing sumptuous about it. I want to put her through the 'test' so to speak.

· Go to an arcade and play dance dance revolution (just kidding)
· Grab a bite somewhere like Dogma or Harvest Moon
· Catch a movie, chick flick of course ; )
· I might stop at ice cream/yogurt shoppe depending on how the night is going
· Back to her place for hot-unbelievable-sex (more than likely wont happen)

The end.

If that works...if she calls me back for a second date...mission accomplished. Then she can order what ever the fuck she wants. Bring on the lobster!

If not...subtlety is not sexy. I suck at life.

Option B: Match.com
I'll nunchuck your ass if it doesn't work, Dr. Phil.

Personal note: Any new love interest will know nothing of my blog. I'll break it to them as soon as a relationship develops. For my lady readers, would you take it in a bad way if I express to you that I have a blog - after a month of dating?

Side note - I watched True Life: I'm an alcoholic (Saturday). There is this girl name Christina on the show. She speaks pretty proper and doesn't seem ghetto at all. YET she ends up dating some ghetto looking cholo with no style whatsoever. OK, I know clothes don't make the man. I also know that some girls are attracted to 'bad boys'. But what the fuck is a bad boy?

Someone who:

Dresses ghetto (I can do that, I don't wanna)

Talks ghetto (I can, I rather not)

you know for a fact can protect you (What do you want me to do? Kick someones ass? I'm not Kimbo Slice but I'm not a pussy either. I've never lost a fight in my life but then again I never fought any MMA fighters. But they train for that so cut me some slack)

treats you rough sexually (you want me to pull your hair while in bed? Smack you around? Tell you to shut up? I can do that. Haven't had any complaints yet)

works at taco bell (if I didn't work at taco bell when I was 16, I'm for damn sure not going to work there while I'm 21)

has a new job every other month (Does it turn ladies on when a guy quits jobs every other week? Or a better question: Does it turn ladies on when a guy is unemployed? Having to pick up the check all the time...that's sexy right ladies?)

Girl - Hey Bitch whats up? (I don't know women slang)
Friend - Whats up hoochie! Did you go out with your man last night?
Girl - Yea, sucks that I had to pay for everything. I had to pay his cell bill too.
Friend - He still doesn't have a job?
Girl - No...but he's trying to hard! He almost finished out the work week a few weeks ago at the job he had with the temp agency.
Friend - ok?
Girl - I know, I know. But he's such a bad boy. UGH he turns me on so much!

Kill yourself.

What the fuck is a bad boy? If you want to date someone who is going to be the manager of Wendy's at age 32, go ahead. By all means, go ahead. You want to go out with someone who knocks over a liquor store? Someone who calls you wifey and have 'other chicken heads' on the side?

Bad boy - [talking on his cell] Alright baby, I will. I love you BOO! Bye bye. [hangs up]
Friend - Who was that?
Bad boy - That was wifey, son.
Friend - Word?
Bad boy - Yes-suh!
Friend - We still meeting with those hoes from the other night at the club, right?
Bad boy - Fa sho! You know it! Wazzzzza! (I'm not too up to date on my slang, sorry)

I want a good response to why a decent girl would ever want to be with a bad boy.

PS: Casey looks so hot in the after show of True life. She must have lost about 5-10 lbs. She's a total wreck but cute nonetheless.

I've gotten ridiculously off topic, sorry. Back to my question: Would it upset you if I bring up my blog almost 2 months after we've gone out? Surprise, I'm a compulsive blogger! → 9 Comments                                         

If you’ve read my older post you know that Christina Milian is my celebrity crush. She has been ever since “Between me and you”.

But lately I’ve been feeling someone else. Yes, I’ve been cheating on Ms. Milian. Yes, men are dogs. We cant even stay faithful in imaginary relationships.

Back to my new main squeeze.

Who can replace Ms. Milian you might ask. Someone who :

-does charitable work
helping with an orphanage, "Caminhos da Luz" (Ways of Light), located in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil.

-is fluent in three languages —Portuguese, Spanish and English.

-was born in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil and is of African, Native South American and Swiss descent.

-is the world's fourth highest paid supermodel as of 2007

Ok, ok enough. Feels like I’m going to included her resume in this post.

[drum roll]...............................It’s Adriana Lima


Yes, Lima time baby.

No, not that Lima time!

Yes, this Lima time!

She’s so…desirable. At least to me she is. It must be nice waking up to her without make-up looking all natural and beautiful. There’s a disclaimer though, “"Sex is for after marriage," explained Lima. "They (men) have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me." In an interview with GQ April 2006 issue she explained how she is a virgin and devote Catholic who attends church every Sunday. That’s right; Sexy Ms. Sexxington got some moral values.

Hello Mrs. Cruz, alll righttt. → 14 Comments                                         

I’m a movie buff, I love movies. We all have at least one movie in our DVD collection that we keep in a separate place (no, not porn…sometimes). But I’m talking about a movie which you wouldn’t want your friends to know you actually like let alone love.

Example:

Hardcore thug – yo, go get my Boys in the Hood DVD, son.
Thug’s friend – [shuffles through DVD collection] – Maid in Manhattan? The fuck is this?
Hardcore Thug – uh uh uh...it’s my sisters!
HC Thug’s friend – you don’t have a sister!

His hood pass gets revoked. It is now void.

Disclaimer – I’m not a writer. I apologize if my sentences suffer from fragmentitis

Any who, back to my movie. Well I have a couple of movies in my arsenal. Here is numbero uno:

Labrinth


Jareth -You remind me of the babe
Goblin - What babe?
Jareth - The babe with the power!
Goblin - What power?
Jareth - Power of voodoo!
Goblin - Who do?
Jareth - You do!
Goblin - Do what?
Jareth - Remind me of the babe!

Oh man this movie is gold for me. Creepy creatures, a dog named Ambrosius, inappropriate attire around kids (see the bulge), a romantic underage love story hidden inside a children's movie. Yes, David Bowie is a borderline pedophile in this movie. Look at his attire below. Not suitable for kids.



I’m not making this up. Go get the DVD and watch the movie up until the part where she bites into the poisoned peach...COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE FROM THEN ON. What happened to the kid’s movie I was watching? Why is David Bowie giving her the “look”? You know the look.



Why is Jennifer Connelly all of a sudden hot in the ballroom scene? I’d hit it (if she was legal of course). Jim Henson is trying to pull a fast one on all of us!

[David Bowie – Within you] - Your eyes can be so cruel! Just as I can be so cruel! Oh I do believe in you! ---What the fuck is this? Why are you trying to bang a thirteen your old, Bowie? Listen to the song ‘Within you’ from the movie, tell me if that song is appropriate for a kids movie! What happened to the singing and fun with all the weird creatures? This movie is so far off that I love it. You got to love those crazy 80’s movies that leave you wondering. I’m on to you Jim Henson. I wonder if he forgot what movie he was doing halfway through. It’s possible! R.I.P Jim, you sly devil you. → 14 Comments                                         

TV time has been on hiatus for a pretty long
time at my house. Not anymore. I feel like
those people who screw up in rehab (I said no, no, no).

I love Jeopardy. I was on a roll last night in the first round with four correct answers. I didnt get another one right for the rest of the game. Damn you Trebek for pointing out my ignorance!! I wonder if Alex has ever lost his cool during a taping of a show? I wonder what kind of trash talk comes out of his mouth? Dude is smooth. I imagine him out on a date when something like this occurs:

I miss Harold Reynolds damn it. The sexual harassment issue was misunderstanding! Bring him back! Libertad! Libertad! Karl Ravech is like the cool older dude that lives down the block that makes you wonder why he’s friends with you to begin with. I don’t know if that makes sense? Whatever. Karl is cool, ok? Kruky is ok, he has grown on me. Vina's beard scares me for some reason. Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons are legends (I dont know if I went too far there?).

Arguably the best drama on TV. The episode with John Malkovich has to be one of my favorites. Awesome show, Criminal Intent sucks balls.

40 Year old virgin Ok this doesn’t count but I saw 40 year old virgin last night and it must be a trip to hang out with Seth Rogen. He looks like the kind of guy that would get you into all sorts of trouble.

Seth – Dude, hide a dildo in your pocket and go try to rob that 7/11 and say GOTCHA when they give you the money.
Me – Are you sure? Will they call the cops?
Seth – Are you kidding? This place is boring; they’d actually thank us for it!

Seth is cool.

Well at least the funny Seth. Not the bully from Donnie Darko (what was that about?). We'll pretend that he was never in Donnie Darko.

Sounds like someone has the case of the Mondays…YEP! Although it’s Wednesday. Is it like this in every office environment? I don’t want to be here. I rather be home sleeping. I wake up hating life at 7am throughout the work week and wake up at 6am on the weekends (unintentionally)...what’s that about?

Our educational system sucks. I've learned more on the Internet than I ever have in school. Maybe it’s because I went to a D school? Perhaps.

Any who, back to the work environment! People here suck. They treat others like crap. Everything is fine and dandy when you’re around them but the second you walk away the trash talking begins. I’m a graphic designer; I like to create art in various ways (such as via electronically). I’d be a dick if I began criticizing people who are not in the field now would I? You don’t know what typography is? You come from planet loser or something (my trash talking is not up to date sorry)?
You don’t poke fun at people who don’t know squat about the field you work in. People around here don’t seem to understand that. YES HE MADE A MISTAKE…GET OVER IT. He doesn't work in your department nor cares what your department does. He just wants to pay his fucking outstanding invoices, he doesn’t want a fucking lecture in procurement. He’s a department head. He takes home double/triple than what you take. He can give a shit-less if you’ve told him before how the procedure works! I’m sure he pretty much pity’s you. But if it makes you feel better at the end of the day by criticizing him then do it silently. I don’t want to hear your shit while I’m blogging.

For those readers out there that I work with…hi…nice of you to drop in. You could go and tell everyone in building about my blog, thanks for the free publicity biatch.

I think I mentioned this before but just in case I didn’t...I have a co-worker who doesn’t know how to copy and paste! How does that happen!? A while back I told her to copy something she was looking at and paste it into a word document and she said, “How?” Oh em gee. I refrained myself from making her cry and showed her how to copy/paste. Apparently she should take notes because she forgot. She asked me again yesterday while we were both alone in the office. Sigh.

I hate that there's only 2 beverage vending machines in the lounge and they both suck = a coke machine and a machine that has 9 different selections of water. Yes, 9, and no juice whatsoever. And why do they call it a lounge? It’s a room with folding tables and chairs with a 19 inch TV. When I think of a lounge I think of strobe lights, comfy seating, plasma TVs, vodka, a pool table or two. Not a microwave sitting next to the sink at the back of the room. I think I'm asking for too much.

All I want is a lazy boy with a 42-60 inch LCD TV in the lounge with dim lighting and a vast selection of beverages a few feet away. Is that too much to ask for? Like so:

Ok I'm done, sorry if you read all of that. There is no point. I just started to type and it got me this far. Good day to all.

Yo-yo’s were originally meant to be weapons!? Goodness gracious, really!? Shocking!

Umm…no, not shocking. I already knew that.
Is this commercial targeted towards 9-year-olds?
What’s next?
Sprite was originally made during WWII to replace blood plasma! Oo0oo0o shocking!

^ This post is a prime example of how I think too much for my own good. I can’t even enjoy a funny commercial without becoming upset. I suc(k) at life.

This past weekend was suppose to be ULTRA weekend.

It was suppose to start like this:

And end like this:Eh.

Forget about what happened, I don't want to talk about it. It's only going to make me upset.

So, instead of tripping balls (I would never) I ended up spending way too much money this weekend.

My weekend activities included wasting money at the fair, saw this movie, went here, played a little bit of this, and wasted money on food and gas of course. Don't get me started on gas.

What is the moral of the story? Save your money!

A co-worker of mine loves to stare at women. Wait. Love is an understatement and lets just leave it at that.

He stares at all type of women (fat, skinny, disabled, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, old, young, midget, purple, etc).

I rode in the elevator with him just a little while ago with another lady (whom had on a very revealing top). Giggidy giggidy goo for him.

He began to stare, I began to cringe. He does it so blatantly! I just feel kinda bad, we all just feel bad for him. Kinda felt bad for the horse ; )

Any who, she notices and turns away disgustedly.

I then began to think...can you blame him? I can see your nipples, missy. Don't expect to be treated like a lady when you're dressed like a slut.

This guy might be a perv...but I got your back!...this time! → 1 Comments                                         

May is awesome.

Mother's day, Cinco de Mayo (I'm not Mexican, I just love celebrations), Glow in the dark concert, my dad's birthday, my birthday, and of course Memorial day weekend.

How do you follow up the celebration that begins on the 5th of May? With real hip hop of course:


May is cooler than the other side of the pillow. Man that was corny, mea culpa. → 6 Comments                                         

I think I should shave off all my facial hair. That's right, all of it. Maybe then I wouldnt look so...stupid?

Let me give you a play-by-play of what just went down in the lobby:

[Lady] - Hey, I left a requisition on your desk. It needs to be expedited.

[Slight pause from lady]

[Lady] - you know what that means, right?

......

[Me (sarcastic smile)] - yes, I think I do. (Then I gave her a wink)

Is expedite a new word? Was it created yesterday while I was ironing? Did I not receive the memo this morning notifying me of the creation of this fantastic word? Or how about a better question such as, "Do I look stupid?". I must look stupid. I blame the facial hair, clearly men with facial hair are morons. Clearly. It's a fact, isn't it?

Just for that, her little requisition thats needs to be rushed so badly will be in detainment for the rest of the day.

I win. → 5 Comments                                         

Obama’s pastor, Hillary's lies. Can’t we just get back to the real issues? We’re losing undecided voters to McCain damn it!

I hope undecided voters realize that Obama didn't make the racist comments, don't judge him for something someone else said. I'm pretty much an asshole...does that necessarily make my friends assholes through association? Leave BO alone. → 2 Comments                                         

Ever been waiting for an elevator and some idiot rushes over and pushes the up/down button repeatedly as if it'll make it arrive faster?

I work with fuck-toids like this.

You really think the elevator is going to reach our floor faster by pressing it 76 times? Press it once, twice or 38 times and guess what...IT DOESN'T CHANGE A DAMN THING! Put your hands in your pocket or take the fucking stairs. → 3 Comments                                         

[Me] - Hi, my name is Cruz...

[Group] - Hello Cruz!

[Me] - I...put others before myself! There, I said it.

[Me] - The ones I 'care' about usually come before myself in my book. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing but it has ventured that way of late. My happiness rides shotgun. And I'm beginning to feel a little taken advantage of.

[Me] - Ask me for a favor! If I'm not working or doing something extremely important...I'll help you out. A ride here, there, a task to complete, extra cash, help you move out, flat tire, give your car a jump start, paint your house, whatever the favor maybe. I'll help you.

[Me] - Why do you make me feel like I'm bothering you when I ask for the simplest of things? I feel like I've asked you to give me a ride to New York and back! No, you make me feel like I've asked you to give me your entire life savings in order for me to pursue my dreams of being a haberdasher. All I wanted to do was pay my auto insurance online. A wooping 2-3 minutes? I'm sorry if you don't have that kind of time, my apologizes. It just amazes me when I come online today and notice how you've posted 4 bulletins on myspace about being soooo bOred last night. Interesting! Yet you couldnt text/call me to come over so I could pay my fucking bill. Thanks, dirtbag.

Sigh.

[Group] - You have to be careful, Cruz. For your most noble impulses can go to waste on the wrong people.

[Me] - Trust me, i've learned my lesson. ; ) → 8 Comments                                         

See that guy?

Baller.

I went out on a limb this year (and out of my mind) and rode the U all the way to the Final Four in my tournament bracket. Call me crazy! McClinton doesn't think I am!

This is the first time since mid 2005 that i've had a Red Bull. I forgot how much it sucks. It taste like melted Jolly Ranchers. Red bull doesnt give me wings. It gives me a headache and now i'm all jittery. Monster over RB anyday.

Thanks RB, thanks for nothing! → 2 Comments                                         

I'm bored (credit to Dan)

Believe it or not, I like being sick.

You get to stay home and catch up on DVDs you haven't watched, finish a book you just haven't had a chance to get around to, and you could quite possibly lose a pound or two.

Everyone seems to treat you differently when you're sick.

You sort of get a free pass in certain aspects of life.

You also find out which of your friends really care about you.

I want to say thanks for those who worried about me and checked in to see if I were still breathing. You know who you are ; ) → 9 Comments                                         

1pm to just about 2:30pm is a very peaceful time for me while at work. I get back from my lunch break at 1pm and most of the office leaves for their break.

I get most of my work done during this time.

This is also a time where my co-worker makes photographic copies of pages from his Santeria book.

For those who don’t know, Santeria is a syncretistic religion of Caribbean origin practiced widely in Cuba, which is his birth place.

My co-worker waste paper and toner everyday for some fantasy tales that were spoon fed to him ever since he was a child. Maybe is isnt fair to call his ‘religion’ a fairy tale. Maybe he feels the same way towards me? Maybe he thinks I’m a fool for believing in God?

Hmm.

You really cant win with this subject, can you?

I wish something would just happen one day. Concrete proof, evidence, God in the flesh, SOMETHING! Something where everyone everywhere can finally put this touchy subject to rest.

People die over this mess and it will not stop anytime soon.

The big bang theory sounds great, so does evolution, god created the world in 7 days…sweet. But wouldn’t you love to know what really happened from the origin of time?

Is everything we’ve been taught a big fantasy? Or were we seeded by another life form?

Things that make you go hmm….
→ 9 Comments                                         

Ah yes, the myth of the perfect woman.

The perfect woman for me is one who:

-is employed

-has her own vehicle

-is trustworthy

-is independent

-understands sarcasm

-understands what the stimulus package is about

-follows politics and does not say, “I’m not into politics, too corrupt”. Wrong answer

-doesn’t go clubbing more than twice a month

-doesn’t mind staying home on a Saturday Night

-has read the da vinci code before the movie came out

-knows what the definition of incredulous is

-doesn’t look at me strange when I watch Jeopardy

-understands that I’m not a millionaire, its ok to pick up the check every once in a while
can burp out loud and remain sexy afterwards

-has an interest in mythology (Egyptian, Greek, etc.)

-is a non—smoker

-has a good explanation to whether or not they believe in a higher power

-doesn’t mind my complexity in music and culture

-rather call than text

-tells the truth whether I like it or not

-pushes me for the better

-isnt clingy

-isnt afraid to try new things

-pops up at my office spontaneously just to say hey or to go out to lunch

-knows how to cook (doesn’t have to be an iron chef but at least have a few dishes in your arsenal that stands out), clean, and all that other motherly stuff that women should know by the time they’re eighteen

I can go on and on but I’ll just end it right here. I think she doesn’t exist…but if you hear something…put in a good word for me. → 10 Comments                                         

(2) Adult tickets bought online - $23

A slushy, coke, and bag of popcorn - $7.50

Cheesy.

Unoriginal.

The trailer is the movie.

Baby wouldn't stop crying. I'm not upset at the baby though, more so the lady who decided to bring a baby to see a movie that Dolby Digital sound is catered to.

$30.50...I got raped.

Pirate this movie. Anarchy rules. Kinda.

PS: the movie wasn't my idea

A friend of mine came over last night to kick it and play Nintendo (yes, retro Nintendo).

I just finished unpacking from a recent move and came across some frames I wanted up on the wall.

I told my friend to go over to the back room and bring me the level. He said, “The what?”

How can you be a man and not know what a level is?

Today’s men are a generation of men raised by women (no offense to the ladies).

I had a guy friend call me at 2am one night to go help him with his flat tire…HIS TIRE!

I know other men who think a Phillips screw driver belongs to a chap name Phillip.

What ever happened to going out to the back yard with a lawnmower and a machete to do some yard work? No! Now guys call their ‘landscaping companies’ to do the dirty work.

What ever happen to making/ordering a café con leche? Now it’s a double mocha latte with skim milk. Pfft.

Men out there better shape up, damn it.

Remember you have balls and be a man! (No homo) → 13 Comments                                         

Hey you! Yeah, you!

The one depriving me of some decent fucking air to breathe.

Into the ol', "self destruction" phase are we?

Do you like that your gums are brown?

What happens when you turn 36? You get cancer and in result you begin to appreciate life?

Or wait...are you a product of monkey see, monkey do? The people you idolized growing up did it so gosh darn it! I will do it too! Fuck my heart!

Has your boyfriend/girlfriend rubbed off on you?

Now I gotta take my $85 shirt to the cleaners because of the disguising smell that was absorbed while at the pool hall.

I take second hand smoke as a form of assault...so I'll judo chop your ass next time you blow smoke in an area where it not allowed.

If you want to commit suicide so bad I suggest jumping off a skyscraper, you'll achieve success quicker.

PS: It's not cute when you smell smoke in a woman's hair, vomit. → 24 Comments                                         

The North and South elevators at my job are pretty standard. Simple traditional LED fixtures, Oval office like blue carpet, and of course VISIBLE directional/position indicators.

This is how kids are dressing nowadays around my area:

I want to throw the bottom of their shirts (that reaches down to their ankles) over their head and strangle them to death.

There might be big guys out there that you're pissing off when you grab the last 6XL shirt off the rack.

Beware. They're unhappy.

I listen to all types of music ranging from Hip hop to Rock.

I was listening to a mix CD this morning in my car and had it on full blast. I was listening to Big Pun-Twins when all of a sudden track 14 ended and track 15 began....Feist-Secret Heart.

What a mix, eh?

I usually have my windows up when listening to music that questions my manhood.

Which songs are those?

Here's a few:

Madonna - Hung up

Natasha Beddingfield - Feel the rain on your skin

Amy Winehouse - You know i'm no good

Mika - Love today

Sara Bareilles - Love on the rocks

Rhianna - Don't stop the music

I want to live in a world where I could listen to 'These eyes' by The Guess Who in my car and not be judged, damn it! → 17 Comments                                         

I’ve come a long way since my playing in the dirt days when I was six years old. I’ve learned plenty of lessons throughout the years, some the hard way.

Here are some that I learned the hard way:

-The talcum powder is not my bottle of milk
-Don’t stick aluminum foil into the microwave
-Don't prank call 911
-I am not superman, I cannot fly
-Drive like an old lady when it’s raining
-Electric gates lives up to their name
-Don’t make fun of Haitians in a predominately Haitian school
-Listen to your mother when she tells you she has a bad feeling
-Never trust a woman that says she’s on the pill
-Don't go to the hospital unless you have a major illness or bone fractures; it's gonna cost you
-Never hide in the trunk of a car & scare people at bus stops; the police don't have a sense of humor
-Never stand still when a group of angry people are running towards you
-Racism is still alive and kicking
-I’ll post more a little later during the day

So...I have this friend that has a little dilemma. His sister continues to sneak out of her house late at night and one can only imagine what she is doing.

The other night my friend and I just got back from a movie theater and he received a call from his mother who had been roaming the streets franticly searching for her daughter. We combed about a 2 mile radius around their neighborhood. Long story short, we found the girl walking with another girl and two older guys.

My friend hopped out the car and begins beating her with his belt (how embarrassing). He finally made her get into my car and we drove her home. Another big fight broke out but this time the older sister jumped in. Yelling, profanity lol, chaos ensued. Finally we got my friend to calm down and we left. Yet on our way out...his sister began walking away from the house again. AGAIN he got out of the car and forced her to get back into the house.

Question! Was my friend wrong for trying to beat some since into this girl? She's 17 years old yet she thinks she has the world all summed up. I think a little discipline doesn’t hurt but I don’t believe a person will change by being drop kicked in the back.

Thoughts? → 9 Comments                                         

One thing to look forward to in 2009.

We're all on our way out, act accordingly. → 5 Comments                                         

This upcoming election is the first in which we have a black man, a Mormon, and a woman running for office.

Our country has a lot to decide and it doesn't just start at the national level; it starts at the personal level with each and every one of us.

We need to vote for individuals who stand up for principles, laws and equality.

If you vote:

Don't vote for Obama just because he's black.

Don't vote for Hillary just because she's a woman.

Don't vote for Giuliani because you remember his name from the events that occured on 9/11.

Do research on all the candidates and get out there and voice your opinion in the polls. → 6 Comments                                         

Finally there's a place in Miami to get your kidrobot on exclusively. Before you'd have to go to places like Workmans, Soles inc, or pink ghost for your peecol's. But 11/29/07 marked the grand opening of the Kidrobot flagship store on Collins Ave at the beach.

Ah yes, finally. Inside, Kid Robot style colors exploded everywhere. All of the toys methodically arranged on the outer walls, with clothing and bags in the back of the store.

Art is my anti-drug.

I spent most of my Saturday night roaming around Miami’s art district in Wyn-wood. I met a good amount of interesting people, some from countries all over the world. I also met a lot of waco's who didn't know the first thing about art.

As I sat down on an art nouveau like chair I wondered…can art be taught? → 5 Comments                                         

Every living creature on earth dies alone. → 11 Comments                                         

Look at the picture above. Tell me what's wrong with this picture.

Do you see the swastika? That is a Naval Base Coronado near San Diego, California. Unreal....

More and more guys are apparently, 'suckers for love'. --Which is not such a bad thing. But it sucks when it's your friends. My friend count is dropping like flies. I'm not an idiotic macho that says BROS BEFORE HOES but damn! We're the one's whose going to be there for you if something goes wrong in your relationship. We'll be there for you....will she? How long you've known her? How long you've known us? Oh you remember us now? Oh she dumped you? OH NOW YOU KNOW US, HUH?

Damn...excuse my vulgarness (did I create a new word?) but I guess some guys don't know how to act when they get pussy?

I feel like my good friend FC and I are the only guys left in Miami that understands that there's plenty of fish in the sea. I'm not a pimp by a long shot but I know I could get a female if I wanted to...I don't see a shot clock in the sky that's warning me that I better stay with the first female that can stand to be in a room with me for more than 10 minutes. I'm not a dog that sleeps around with multiple women because there's plenty to go around. If I know the relationship is not working out...I end it. I'm not going to adjust my lifestyle in a form of ignoring my friends just to make our relationship 'work'.

I don't understand how someone could throw away friendship (with multiple people) over a female. And if a female stands by that...she's selfish. Don't get me wrong, I don't call my friends every 5 seconds in a day wondering what they're doing, no. I understand if a person is in a relationship but don't ignore your friends. If so, we'll do the same when you come back with your hand out asking for some dap (hand shake).

But hey...I guess maybe these guys don't have confidence in themselves? I wish I knew why... → 19 Comments                                         

Why do you tYpE DiS wAy?

Do you think it's cool?

Do you think ending words with ing's is not cool?

The human gene pool could use a little more chlorine I see.

Are you 10?

Are you retarded?

Are you craving for some attention?

You're in an institute of higher learning...act like it.

I'm all for the 'idk', 'omg', 'wtf', 'lol'. But I draw the line when yOu TyPe lIk dIs aLl dA fUkiN tImE.

Good luck in life ; ) → 19 Comments                                         

The Hills Have Eyes? Texas Chainsaw Massacre? No.

If you want to see a good horror movie, go out and find yourself 'Cannibal Holocaust'.

If they were to remake it with awesome special effects and better cameras then it would be classic.

If you watch it, let me know what you think ; ) → 12 Comments                                         

www.freethejenasix.com

I'm surprised people aren’t talking about this. Do you know what the saddest part is? Most people didn't hear about this due to Paris being released from the slammer around the time this happened. Why can't the news channels just leave that stuff to Access Hollywood or Extra?

Some Southern states need to get re-educated on the substance of race. → 11 Comments                                         

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20764780/

smh. → 18 Comments