What could have been...

This past weekend was supposed to be ULTRA weekend.

It was suppose to start like this:
And end like this:Eh.
Forget about what happened, I don't want to talk about it. It's only going to make me upset.
So, instead of tripping balls (I would never) I ended up spending way too much money this weekend.
My weekend activities included wasting money at the fair, saw this movie, went here, played a little bit of this, and wasted money on food and gas of course. Don't get me started on gas.
What is the moral of the story? Save your money!

To stare or not to stare

A co-worker of mine loves to stare at women. Wait. Love is an understatement and lets just leave it at that.

He stares at all types of women (fat, skinny, disabled, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, old, young, midget, purple, etc).

I rode in the elevator with him just a little while ago with another lady (whom had on a very revealing top-giggidy).

He began to stare, I began to cringe. He does it so blatantly! I just feel kinda bad, we all just feel bad for him. Kinda felt bad for the horse. What?

Anyway, she notices and turns away disgustedly.

I then began to think...can you blame him? I can see your nipples, missy. Don't expect to be treated like a lady when you're dressed like a slut. And just because she's dressed like a hooker it doesn't give him the green light to gawk away. All I am saying is don't be surprised if he gawks when you're dressed like a skank!

This guy might be a perv...but I got your back!...this time and only this time.

May Rules

May is awesome.

Mother's day, Cinco de Mayo (I'm not Mexican, I just love celebrations), Glow in the dark concert, my dad's birthday, my birthday, and of course Memorial day weekend.

How do you follow up the celebration that begins on the 5th of May? With some hip hop of course:


May is cooler than the other side of the pillow. Man that was corny.

I'm with stupid

I think I should shave off all my facial hair. That's right, all of it. Maybe then I wouldnt look so...stupid?

Let me give you a play-by-play of what just went down in the lobby:

[Lady] - Hey, I left a requisition on your desk. It needs to be expedited.

[Slight pause from lady]

[Lady] - you know what that means, right?

......

[Me (sarcastic smile)] - yes, I think I do. (Then I gave her a wink)

Is expedite a new word? Was it created yesterday while I was ironing? Did I not receive the memo this morning notifying me of the creation of this fantastic word? Or how about a better question such as, "Do I look stupid?". I must look stupid. I blame the facial hair, clearly men with facial hair are morons. Clearly. It's a fact, isn't it?

Just for that, her little requisition thats needs to be rushed so badly will be in detainment for the rest of the day.

I win.

Fucking WAIT

Ever been waiting for an elevator and some idiot rushes over and pushes the up/down button repeatedly as if it'll make it arrive faster?

I work with fuck-toids like this.

You really think the elevator is going to reach our floor faster by pressing it 76 times? Press it once, twice or 38 times and guess what...IT DOESN'T CHANGE A DAMN THING! Put your hands in your pocket or take the fucking stairs.

Where's my wings?

This is the first time since mid 2005 that i've had a Red Bull. I forgot how much it sucks. It taste like melted Jolly Ranchers. Red bull doesnt give me wings. It gives me a headache and now i'm all jittery. Monster over RB anyday.

Thanks RB, thanks for nothing!

Down with the sickness

Believe it or not, I like being sick.

You get to stay home and catch up on DVDs you haven't watched, finish a book you just haven't had a chance to get around to, and you could quite possibly lose a pound or two.

Everyone seems to treat you differently when you're sick.

You sort of get a free pass in certain aspects of life.

You also find out which of your friends really care about you.

I want to say thanks for those who worried about me and checked in to see if I were still breathing. You know who you are ; )

My god is cooler

1pm to just about 2:30pm is a very peaceful time for me while at work. I get back from my lunch break at 1pm and most of the office leaves for their break.
I get most of my work done during this time.

This is also a time where my co-worker makes photographic copies of pages from his Santeria book.

Google "Santeria" if you don't know what it is.

My co-worker wastes paper and toner everyday for some fantasy tales that were spoon fed to him ever since he was a child. Maybe I shouldn't mock him and his religion. Maybe he feels the same way towards me? Maybe he thinks I’m a fool for believing in something imaginary as well.

Hmm.

You really cant win with this subject, can you?

I wish something would just happen one day. Concrete proof, evidence, a deity in the flesh, SOMETHING! Something where everyone everywhere can finally put this touchy subject to rest.

People die all over the world over this mess and it will not stop anytime soon.

The big bang theory sounds great, so does evolution, god created the world in 7 days…sweet. But wouldn’t you love to know what really happened from the origin of time? Who seeded man?

Is everything we’ve been taught a big fantasy? Or were we seeded by another life form?

Things that make you go hmm….

10,000 B.C.

(2) Adult tickets bought online - $23

A slushy, coke, and bag of popcorn - $7.50

Cheesy.

Unoriginal.

The trailer is the movie.

Baby wouldn't stop crying. I'm not upset at the baby though, more so the lady who decided to bring a baby to see a movie that Dolby Digital sound is catered to.

$30.50...I got raped.

Pirate this movie. Anarchy rules. Kinda.

PS: the movie wasn't my idea

MEN

A friend of mine came over last night to kick it and play Nintendo (yes, Nintendo NES).

I just finished unpacking from a recent move and came across some frames I wanted up on the wall.

I told my friend to go over to the back room and bring me the level. He said, “The what?”

How can you be a man and not know what a level is?

Today’s men are a generation of men raised by women (no offense to the ladies).

I had a guy friend call me at 2am one night to go help him with his flat tire…HIS TIRE! How can a man not know how to change a tire? 

I know other men who think a Phillips screwdriver belongs to a chap named Phillip.

What ever happened to going out to the back yard with a lawnmower and a machete to do some yard work? No! Now guys call their ‘landscaping companies’ to do the dirty work.

What ever happened to making/ordering a café con leche? Now it’s a double mocha latte with soy milk. Pfft.

Men out there better shape up, damn it.

Remember you have balls and be a man! (No homo)

Yuck

Hey you! Yeah, you!

The one depriving me of some decent fucking air to breathe.

Into the ol', "self destruction" phase are we?

Do you like that your gums are brown? They're not brown yet? Stay tuned. 

What happens when you turn 36 and get diagnosed with cancer? You begin to appreciate life from that point on?

Do you think smoking is cool? 
Or wait...are you simply a sheep? The people you idolized growing up did it so gosh darn it! I will do it too! Fuck my heart!
Has your boyfriend/girlfriend rubbed off on you?

Now I gotta take my $85 shirt to the cleaners because of the disguising smell that was absorbed while at the pool hall.

I take second hand smoke as a form of assault...so I'll judo chop your ass next time you blow smoke in an area where it not allowed.

If you want to commit suicide so badly then I suggest jumping off a skyscraper, you'll achieve success quicker.

PS: It's not cute when you smell smoke in a woman's hair, vomit.

Random Friday

I think a pigeon tried to commit suicide this morning. It dove in front on my bumper.

I’ve achieved the impossible…I no longer watch TV! I used to watch way too much TV for my own good. I’ve replaced TV with literature. I’m halfway through Invisible Monsters. Although I do miss watching The Office.

Excuse me for Spanish not being my language of choice, Sorry! Don’t correct me every fucking time I make a grammatical mistake. I don’t correct you when you sound like an idiot trying to speak English. Swim back to your country, fucktoid.

Good things seem to be on the horizon. Giggity.

I got a tiny hole around the crotch area of my pants. Crap.

My co-worker has a garden on his desk. I think I shall get him a machete for his birthday so he could get to his files.

Don’t be afraid of the toner…it doesn’t bite. You make 70K a year yet you can’t change your toner. Die.

Sometimes I wish evaluation consultants would come in and X out the expendable people around here.

Hey you! Yea you, the one who is reading this crap. Ask me any question you want and I’ll answer it for you. Don't be shy.

I think I’m going to go the entire month of March without shaving.

I think the key to finding a trustworthy candidate to start a relationship with is appearance. Maybe I should go out and hook up with a homely woman. You can’t trust pretty people.

Word of advice for the day - While driving - if you’re making a turn (left or right)…use your indicators. You won’t receive an electric jolt if you tap them, trust me. Go ahead and flip the little guy up or down and save yourself a panicky ride home in which you ask yourself, “Is that guy in the white car following me?”

What is it about Bad Boys 2 that never allows me to get tired of it?

Silly vegetarians. They eat soybeans that animals died for. Stop following trends, eat meat and shut up.

Happy Friday, biatches.

3rd times a charm

The North and South elevators at my job are pretty standard. Simple traditional LED fixtures, Oval office like blue carpet, and of course VISIBLE directional/position indicators.

After my lunch break I entered the elevator with another woman on our journey to the 1st floor.

We reached the 1st floor.

I wait for her to get out first (because I'm a gentleman like that).

She takes a step out of the elevator with a look of confusion and ask, "Is this the 1st floor?"

Pause.

Let me enlighten you all with some info first. Sadly, this is the 3rd time I've come across such a sharp individual. I shrugged off the first two occasions because they were old women on their way out. This lady has to be in her early 30's, she had Prada glasses on her head, and she didn't seem to have any type of mental illness.

Back to the story! She asked if she was indeed on the 1st floor...hmm...lets see:

I don't blame her, it's hard to tell when there's palm trees all over the place. Not to mention the cars passing by. Pfft.

My reaction to her question? I gave her a puzzled look and said, "Oh!...ummm... (looks at the LED indicator indicating that we're indeed on the 1st floor) I think we are? But something could be wrong with it? I'll inform the mayor."

She was not amused. She mumbled something in Spanish under her breath while she walked toward the sliding doors that led to the 3rd floor for all she knows.

Victory is mine.

Wear your size

This is how kids are dressing nowadays around my area:

I want to throw the bottom of their shirts (that reaches down to their ankles) over their head and strangle them to death.

There might be big guys out there that you're pissing off when you grab the last 6XL shirt off the rack.

Beware. They're unhappy.

Wtf are you listening to?

I listen to all types of music ranging from Hip hop to Rock.

I was listening to a mix CD this morning in my car and had it on full blast. I was listening to Big Pun-Twins when all of a sudden track 14 ended and track 15 began....Feist-Secret Heart.

What a mix, eh?

I usually have my windows up when listening to music that questions my manhood.

Which songs are those?

Here's a few:

Madonna - Hung up

Natasha Beddingfield - Feel the rain on your skin

Amy Winehouse - You know i'm no good

Mika - Love today

Sara Bareilles - Love on the rocks

Rhianna - Don't stop the music

I want to live in a world where I could listen to 'These eyes' by The Guess Who in my car and not be judged, damn it!