Scenario: you’re just coming back from your lunch break at work. You sit down at your desk and then it hits you. That’s right folks, it’s #2 time. Everyone does it at one point or another at work. Don’t act like you haven’t.
So I ru--walk over to the restroom chanting in my head, “Please be empty, please be empty”. I open the door and YES! EMPTY!
I give myself a mental high five and did the George Jefferson all the way over to the handicap stall. Why the handicap stall? Because it has its own separate sink, it's own separate mirror, and there’s a bunch of free space that allows me to pace back and forth if I felt like it.
So I’ve set up the toilet seat with 1,000 pounds of toilet tissue when suddenly some guy walks in. FUCK. I yelled out FUCK (inside my head) and punched the wall (also inside my head). Then I couldn’t go for some reason. I guess I got stage fright?
Note to ladies: it only happens during #2 !
Back to the jackass. I could hear every single fucking step he took with his loud shoes. He took about 5 steps and then I heard nothing. There was a 3 to 6 second pause. Then he started using the sink area that’s located in the front of the restroom. He uses it for about a minute and a half. That is way too long! It doesn't take a minute and a half to wash your hands. Then he goes over to dry his hands. This fucker doesn’t use paper towels, oh no-no-no. He’s environly-friendly, he uses the fucking hand dryer.
I don’t know about you but I don’t like this. If someone is doing #2 – get out of the restroom as soon as possible. GET OUT. This is not a time to linger around. You’re bored? Go to the lounge and look at an issue of US Weekly.
Jackass finished drying his hands a minute later and apparently he now has to use the restroom. What the fuck. You just washed and dried your hands!! I repeat, WHAT THE FUCK.
So I hear him unzip, piss, the pissing stops and he jumps up and down, he zips up, and pauses for a good 10 seconds. At this point I’m ready to give this guy a swirly.
He then goes and washed his hands for the second time. That’s way too many times for one trip. He goes to dry his hands and FINALLY he fucking leaves.
I don’t know who you are, mystery jackass man. But I got a positive I.D. on your shoes and I will go for a little walk around the building with a notepad taking notes. Im going to find you. And when I do…you’re going to get a fucking swirly.
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5 comments:
You didn't really reenact the Sherman Hemsley GJ dance did you? hilarious. Yes, we've all been there although i have to say my experiences have never been so..elaborate.
All I have to say is LMAO!!!!
This by far is the funiest post you have written.
lmao... oh man... i know that im a lady but i speak for all the shy ones and embarressed ones .." this is totally true"... i cannot and will not use the bathroom for #2 in public unless i absolutely know no-1 will come in while im there or after me..lol.. thats why i just wait for my own toilet at home.. but when i just cant hold it anymore (thanking taco bell for that) then i go to the public ones... but its a mission..
very funny and detailed post but i can completely relate! lol u have no idea and ladies shouldnt hide the fact that we all have gone thru this atleast twice!
-lizard!
wow, spilling it all our there for your readers huh? no one can lie, they've been there, very funny post
Hilarious but a tad bit explicit don't you think? ;)
No one can deny that they can relate, but you're going to hate me for this, I am one of those "bathroom bandits" that hang around, twirling my hair, taking 1000 "kissy-face" pics in the mirror, re-enacting Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" video, and doing cartwheel in (this is the clincher!.... THE HANDICAPPED STALL no less.
I'm sorry. I feel your pain. :p
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