Kindly leave

Next time you're dressed in all black and an asshat says, "Going to a funeral? Hehehe" say YES. Then look at the stupid look on their face when they apologize.

Idiots.

Little girl

[Click pic to enlarge]

Emails at work have become a source of entertainment for me!

This is a different woman from my last post. THIS character sent me an email today with another abbreviated word. I say another because EVERY email I've ever received from her has had an abbreviated word. That's cool - if done with your friends. That's cool if the abbreviated word is well-known. That's cool if you're texting me from a Motorola Razr. But not in a professional environment. Not like this.

 And it's not even anything normal and common like 'ASAP', no. I get shit like this:

c/s
j/e
l/r
p/s

What the fuck is j/e? Joust eggs?

Such as my last post, this is not a 9 year old child. This is a grown ass 50-ish year old lady that I'm going back and forth with.

"Obviously, only girls understand these abbreviations" - Well what in the motherfuck does that mean? Will a 'girl' out there please educate me with the meaning of these fucking abbreviations? Unfortunately I'm a boy, I don't have access to these secret code of abbreviated words that women are blessed with.

I would have respected this email a little more if she had said one of the following:

Only Sea-monkeys understand these abbreviations.


Only Tyrannosaurus' understand these abbreviations.


Only Wampas understand these abbreviations


This is from an email she sent yesterday:

"so can we go. tomo. at 930a to p.u. cleang supp."

Why is there a period after go? Why are you not spelling out each and every single word? You're not on a cell phone, why the fuck are you shortening words? THERE'S NO REASON FOR ANYONE TO DO THIS. If you're insecure about misspelling - use the fucking spell checker.

Fuck this place.

-22 year old aspiring graphic designer here.
-Can adapt to any style
-Hard worker
-Self motivator
-Email me for Resume / Portfolio / References / Blood work / Breakdancing Reel - Whatever the fuck you need to get me out of here!!

Dunce

 

 Click the picture.

My name is Radames (Rah-duh-Mez). It is a pretty unusual name around these parts. And by "these parts" I mean anywhere on Earth outside of Puerto Rico.

If you're reading it for the first time, you'll probably mispronounce it. That is fine. Happens all the time. If I ask you to spell it out - chances are you might spell it incorrectly. It's only natural.

But how do you misspell my name when it's RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE? Also, why do you type my name out LiK diS? This isn't a 13 year old child that is emailing me btw, it's a grown ass woman. Kill yourself.

Umm, wait?

New life mission: create an elevator feature that shocks you whenever you press the button more than twice.

Not only will it shock you but it will take its sweet ass time to get to your floor. Maybe THEN people will stop pressing the button 19 times as if it will make a difference. 

Put your dog to sleep

I love people who feel that the best place to have a phone conversation is inside of a restroom.

And by love I mean *hate*.

There are maybe 37 different places I could come up with at the top of my head that are normal locations for a private conversation. Standing next to the sink is not one of em. I don't want to hear about your dog puking all over your couch over the weekend while I'm trying to use the restroom. I shouldn't have to say, "excuse me" in order to get to the hand dryer because you are blocking it. The men's stall next to my office is pretty loud when you flush. I flushed four times. I hope he took that as a sign. Get the fuck out of the restroom.

Got a little Captain in You?

Most people see the picture below of Bristol Palin and think, "Are there any morals left in today's youth?"

When I see the picture I think, "Damn...Alaskan girls know how to get down!"

Just kidding. Apparently, Bristol was 16 at the time the picture above was taken. Sixteen-year olds shouldn't be drinking booze. It could lead to an addiction, health risks and impaired judgement such as having unprotected sex with a boyfriend that doesn't want kids.  

Oops! That happened. DAMN you, Captain Morgan and your delicious rum!!

 

People make mistakes and they wont stop anytime soon. I've made about 1,234 of em. I'm not bashing on Bristol. I just wish this stuff would stay out of the media spotlight and have them focus on real issues and none of this performative bullshit.

Quote of the week: "When [Palin] got a phone call at three in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten into the garbage can"

- Bill Maher

I'll end this post with some eye candy for the Sarah Palin fans: VILF  

Sorry to the non-lesbian ladies!

You gotta love this Country

The 9-year old kid below is being banned from playing little league baseball because he pitches too fast.



Maybe the people of New Haven should also try to ban this guy for dominating golf?


Hey! While you're at it, ban this guy too:


Clearly he swims way too fast.

All I need is one mic

It was a glorious day for hip hop on Saturday.

Below are pics from the Rock the Bells concert. I had a shitty cam so bare with me.

The will call ticket line was about a 3 hour wait. But it was all worth it.



Raekwon and Ghostface


Mos Def


Wale - Very underrated. Give him time, he'll be a household name soon.


Dead Prez


Supernatural - I was impressed. A lot of rappers nowadays will write 16 bars and spit it during freestyles. Not exactly FREESTYLING, eh? Supernatural knows the art of freestyling. He asked the audience to throw stuff on stage and everything which was thrown was incorporated into the freestyle. His mind is a computer. And don't let me get started with the beat-boxing machine, DJ JS-1. He is amazing.


Immortal Technique - I didn't want him to leave. He talked and rapped with so much energy and passion. I believe if every bubble gum rapper were to be present during his set...they would retire. He jumped off of the stage and walked through the crowd after his set. He's the man.


De La Soul - They left me with my jaw on the floor after their performance. They proved that they still got it. Dres from Black Sheep came onstage and shut it down with The Choice is Yours. "Who's the Black Sheep, what's the Black Sheep?" - Everyone went bananas. Then he made everyone get low and sing along: "Engine, Engine, Number Nine, On the New York transit line, If my train goes off the track, Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!" He shut it down.


THE PHARCYDE - Reunited and it feels so good. Just awesomeness. They still have it too.


Method Man & Redman - Needless to say, they brought a massive amount of energy with their performance.


Red and Meth brought out N.O.R.E. as a special guest and he shut it down with "Nothin'" Homeboy! I came to party! PS: Nore has gotten huge (fat)


Godson - Another one of the greats of the night.


Q-Tip's set was after Nas but my cam died. Mos Def came on stage and rocked it with Q. Then A Tribe Called Quest came on stage and everyone lost their damn minds! I didn't get a chance to see B.O.B. or Murs perform, stupid long line. It felt so amazing being around people that lives for lyricism and condemns gimmicks and ignorance. Everyone in the crowd would sing along in unison when rappers performed. I think everyone in the venue rapped the entire Nas - Made you look song from beginning to the end. At times I feel like an outcast when it comes to music in my environment but Saturday I felt at home. I got chills during Immortal Technique and Nas performances. Two of the three greatest lyricist in the game today (Lupe's the missing link). BEST.CONCERT.EVER.

The MAN

No photoshop here. This is further proof of how I think Manny Ramirez defines awesomeness.

He's in the midst of being traded away to another team and is he uptight? No. He's just being Manny. I love that the sign says, "Straight up".

Most of the country seems to think this guy is a doucher that only cares about himself. I beg to differ. Any guy that catches a fly ball--high fives a fan--and makes the throw to first base to complete the double play is Godly-awesome in my book.



He seems like he's the only guy on the field having fun. Hell, he seems like the only person having fun in life! I could definitely identify with his nonchalant attitude in life.

Fan - Hey Manny, gas prices are so high dude!

Manny - Word?


Manny doesn't care.

Fan - Hey Manny, I scratched your car door by mistake.

Manny - Hey, no biggie.


I love how he chills in the scoreboard area in Fenway Park...during games. Manny is the only person that could get away with this. I wouldn't doubt a PS3 being back there, a toilet, and a few Coronas. Manny is that cool.





Too bad my Marlins couldn't strike a deal for Manny. I was looking forward to Manny being Manny in Miami (has a ring to it). But instead, Manny will be Manny in...

Green Bay?

You know how you're gay?

Doesn’t it feel good when you're at an unfamiliar venue and a song you like plays randomly on the jukebox? Yes, right? Who doesn’t! Maybe the Amish. But they don’t read blogs anyway so it’s all good. I hope. (If you’re on Rumspringa and read my blog - I’m so sorry)

I went to a party recently at Diddy’s house and had a few drinks and some awesome Bar-B-Q ribs. One out of those three is a lie. We didn’t have ribs at Diddy’s. OK enough lying, I was at a pub in Downtown Miami.



I’m sitting and watching Dan Uggla with his stupid Popeye arms hit a home run on one of the 97 TVs at the bar and suddenly Viva La Vida by Coldplay blast throughout the bar.

First of all, is this the kind of music that is supposed to be playing at bars? When I think of bar music I envision Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin or Hypnotize by Notorious BIG. I love it when they call me Big Papa, throw your hands in the-–Okay, you get the point.

These are the things I expect from bars:
-Vast selection of liquor.
-Pool tables.
-At least one hot goth chick.
-A Chinese man saying racial slurs as a form of a greeting.
-Mathew Mcconaughey hanging out front.

These are the things I don’t expect to be at bars:
-Babies.
-Merry-go-rounds.
-Coldplay music.

Also, anything from Seal.

I’m not bashing Coldplay at all. And I'd sing Kiss From a Rose at any karaoke. I just think its unusual hearing these type of songs at a bar. And I am not talking about some trendy hipster spot. I'm talking about a bar. Sports. Drinks. Smoke. Insecure men looking to start trouble!

You’re hanging out playing some pool and suddenly you hear:

‘Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard’

This does not make me want to break. It makes me want to put my cue stick down and sulk in the corner in the fetal position. Alone. In the dark.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Coldplay. And now everyone at the spot Downtown knows this as well because, you see, I was tipsy and I like to sing while I’m on the sauce. It’s a very liberating experience. I recommend it. Although, don’t blame me if the guy/girl you’re fond of loses interest in you after your performance.

Not sexy.

People suck a lot

So this is what my generation has come to?

Self-proclaimed superstars and this ingenuous thirst for fame? Accomplish something first THEN we'll talk about you being that superstar you claim to be.

Maybe if you were indeed actually famous...someone might want to fuck you. But at the moment? No, sorry. You might want to cool it with the 'Fuck Me I'm Famous' debacle.

I love the fact that most people have a blog nowadays. By love I mean loathe. I hate when I reveal I have a blog to someone and have to hear, "Oh god, you blog now too?" Yes. I've been doing so before you thought it was cool too, got it?

Generation Y stinks.

If you need me I'll be at the back of the room in the party pooper section being grumpy.

Bridges are cool

My friend told me to dedicate a post to her. 

"Is she your girlfriend?" No.

"If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" Maybe? Sure, why not. Is there a body of water down there? Sounds like a lot of fun.

I'm bored at work and she caught me in a good mood, okay?

Her name is Jessica. I met Jess a while back on MySpace. I've met way too many people on MySpace. But isn’t that the point of MySpace? Social Networking? I wonder who holds the record for meeting the most people from MySpace? I currently stand at 8 people. I'm sure Tom has me beat.

I wonder who holds the record for the most time a person deleted their MySpace account? I deleted mine once. I think I got Tom there (suck it, Tom!). I shouldn’t have deleted my account but I was trying to show my loyalty to my girlfriend at the time and blah, blah.

It felt as if I was the star of a mediocre sitcom where everyone found the main character's poor life decisions as comedic gold.

Me - I'll prove to you it's all about you, FUCK MYSPACE, I’ll delete it right now! THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY!

[Deletes profile] 

[A roar of laughter comes from the audience]

Ah, those were the days.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jess. She is my number one fan. But why you ask? Because I’m an awesome artist. I could sketch an identical replica of a persons face with blood on concrete. That was a lie. But I am trying to make this graphic design thing work. She supports me as an artist and needless to say I’m very grateful. For at least one person to genuinely like my stuff = priceless. So this post is for you Jessica! You owe me $22.50. Cash only.

Who's your daddy?

You know what’s fucking weird? Sit back and listen (read, shut up).

Let me take you back to a strange day in the life of a young Mr. Cruz. I was about 11 or 12 years old and on summer break. I went over to my neighbor Corey's house to hang out for a bit. I walk into my friend’s room and he’s watching a porno with another friend of ours. I see boobies and I’m like...COOL. You just kind of stare at that age. You don’t know what’s going on…but you like it. You don’t know why you like it…but you just do. It’s like we're are pre-programmed to like porn or something? Or not.

As we continued watching, I kept wondering to myself why was a lady sleeping next to the couple which were having sex? The dude was showing the blonde his O-face while another lady next to them was sound asleep with a mask over her eyes. Then something disturbing happened.

The female begins to moan and the guy says, "Shhh...you'll wake your mother, honey" - Strike one.

Then the blonde replies, "Okay, daddy" - Strike 2.

Then the blonde says, "You're the best, dad" - STRIKE 3!

They were watching incest porn! YES, INCEST. It was a VHS tape of some type of family role-playing kind of shenanigans? It’s fucking disturbing when I think back about it. Why the fuck didn’t any one of us say anything while watching it? We just watched it like it was a casual thing. Like if this shit is normal. Like if we were sitting around watching Cool World and drinking kool-aid. But there was no Kool-aid. Only hardcore incest filth!

Guy – Hey dude, whats up?

Guy 2 – Not much. Just drinking a beer, watching some girl go down on her blood brother.

Guy – Aww man, sweet! What channel!?

Where did they get the porn tape from!? How do a couple of kids grab their hands on an incest flick? Did one of my friends have some freaky ass parents who were into this? The parents of my friend with the tape are black Southern country folk. These incest devils were white. So many questions! I wished I would've asked these questions but I never spoke to my friends about that day ever again. I pretended as if it never happened. It was literally the only porno the three of us every watched together. Hell, I’ve never even told anyone about this until now. It needed to be let out. The truth will set you free!

Not really. It just reminds me of some weird twelve-year-olds.

ASL?

 

I got my first computer when I was 13. Like everyone else at the time, we had dial up internet. I had AOL. It took about a minute and a half to get online and have everything fully loaded. I used to get so pissed off whenever an incoming call would screw up my connection and kick me offline.

[Get’s kicked offline]

Me – MOM! Tell Gia (grandma) you’ll call her back in an hour!

Thank goodness for high-speed internet. My cousin from Orlando came to visit one day and introduced me to the AOL chat rooms and I quickly became addicted. I never did it with the intentions of meeting anyone. I would just chat at times when I was stuck at home with nothing to do...which was often.

I used to lie through my teeth in chat rooms. I was a 13 year old kid with red hair...not interesting. Instead I told everyone I was a 17 year old breakdancing DJ that lived with his older brother. Interesting! I also had my own car in this fantasy. I was cool and pathetic at the same time.

My AOL screen name was MYSTIKAL2000GANJA. What.THE.Fuck. How did I come up with that name? Why? The younger version of me scares the ba-Jesus out of me. It’s sad that I thought that that was cool. Cool how?? I don't know!. I never even tried ganja at that point of my life. Why was it in my name?

Why Mystikal? For those that don’t know/remember, he's this guy:

He disappeared from stardom due to his incarceration for raping an old lady. Class act. Why did I choose Mystikal? Fuck if I know. He has never been my favorite rapper so that is out the question. Once again with the reoccurring theme on my blog: I am retarded.

I chatted with so many weirdoes in the online world. I had a who’s who of pathological liars on my buddy list. I didn’t know who were real and fake. I remember befriending this one girl in particular, Aleksandra. She lived in Utah. I met her when I was 13 (17 online) and she was 12 (15 online). She sent me fake pics, I sent her fake pics and we both ate up each other lies. Fast forward to a boring night in 2005 and I decided to see if she still had the same screen name on AOL (it’s a catchy name, hard to forget) and she did! I sent her a message and this is pretty much how it went: 

Me – Hey Aleks, it’s me Alex (oh yeah, I told her my name was Alex)

Aleks – Alex?

Me – Yeah, the DJ from Miami with the big yellow bus (...don’t ask)

Aleks – WTF ALEX?!?!

Then I went on to confess my lies. Then we exchanged MySpace links and it turns out that she isn’t such a bad looking chick, she’s very cute. I remember not talking to her for a bit because I was in a relationship and didn’t log into MySpace much. Then she deleted me. I think it was one of those deals when a person puts up a bulletin stating: “I’M DELETING PEOPLE. IF YOU DON’T SEND ME A MESSAGE, I WILL DELETE YOU.” I read the message one night and didn’t think she’d delete me if I didn’t send her a message but she ended up deleting me. It would have been cool to meet her in person. Reminisce about the hilarity of our online life, catch up on the present, and make out for a few hours. I’m sure she’d be down for two out of 3.

I'm a moron

I dropped off my friend at his house. I searched all over my car for my cell phone and couldn't find it.

I call my friend.

Me - Hey...I can't find my phone, dude.
Friend - Are you serious?
Me - Yeah
[Slight pause]
Friend - Hey, dumbass?
Me - Huh?
Friend - How do you think you're talking to me right now?

This. really. happened.

I'm retarded.

Mic check 1,2,1,2

My high school sucked big time.

The people I met during my 9th grade year were ok but they seemed like the last of the dying breed of interesting people because the next three years were painful.

I graduated back in 2004 and don't have any plans on going to any type of 'reunions' or whatnot. I got my diploma, took pics, and said PEACE BITCHES!

I know what some of you are thinking, "He was the geek that no one talked to!" Nah, not a geek. I wish I was. Maybe then I would've gotten into a better college. I just didn't connect with most of the people I went to school with. I had my group of friends but pretty much felt annoyed by most of the others.

A lot of them were into weird dancing. Swinging their arms back and forth and shit. Playing pretend baseball and making sandwiches or something? Big grown ass dudes tiptoeing around like MC Hammer's back up dancers. See the vid below for what the hell i'm talking about:



The song that plays around a minute into the vid that goes, "WHERE HE AT, WHERE HE AT? NOW THERE HE GO!" is the peanut butter jelly song. HATE. Hate is a very strong word. I hated this crap.

[Big kid starts dancing in the hall]
Me - The fuck is he doing?
Bystander - Peanut butter jelly dance!
Me - THE HELL?
Bystander - YEAH NIGGAA!!!
Me - Does he use deodorant?

THEN i'm the outsider for not liking that shit! You see my pain? I had to see this shit everyday, EVERY fucking day.

Morning time = PB&J dance.
Lunch time = PB&J dance.
Go to the restroom to do #1 = PB&J dance.
After school = GO HOME!! Stop dancing!!

Whatever.

An old friend I went to school with recently sent me a friend request on myspace and I noticed some people I used to know on his page. It turns out that 98.4% of the people I knew in high school are now rappers. Go figure.

Everyone is a rapper nowadays. Hell my mother raps, her MC name is Mama T (Teresa). What's the worst part of all this? THEY SUCK. They all suck. I'm not a hater, I give props when it's due. But these guys all talk about the same redundant shit. Their songs are bullshit and lack substance. The most recent one I heard was something that went like, "WHAT THEY DO!?" or something like that. I don't know what they do...you tell me.

Another one started off with, "As I walk in the club"...really!? This line, again? How many times do I have to hear about somebody walking in the club? If you're gonna start off like that - make it interesting at least!

"As I walk in the club, midget titties were shaking"...

Jackasses. Go get a job, read a book, and put the mic down.

I'll take annoying people for $200, Alex

This has not been a good week...people wise.

1. The economy is getting worse and worse (we all know that by now). We were told to find ways we could save money at work by our union reps. Each of us were given a sheet with a bunch of empty spaces to share our ideas. I filled the entire page. And you know what the sad part is? They'll just brush it to the side and won’t even consider my proposals because nothing ever gets done the right way at my job. Everything is backwards. Fuck my job.

2. I could create a separate blog dedicated to the ridiculousness that is my work life. A vendor requested an RFQ (request for qualifications) for a certain city project the other day. This is how the conversation over the phone went:

Guy (broken English) - Hallo? Jes, is this the place where I get de RFQ?
Me - For which project, sir?
Guy - oz-moses---
Me - ...Reverse osmosis, sir?
Guy - jes, jes!
Me - I could email it to you if you provide me with an email address.
Guy - Email? uh... (Apparently I asked him to spell monofluorophosphate over the phone because he seemed baffled)
Me - Or I could fax it to you if you’d like?
Guy - Could I pick it up?
Me - yes, sir.

Its 2008, who doesn’t have an email address? My little cousins in elementary school have email addresses. This situation bothers me more because this guy has his own company. How do you expect your business to flourish? I hate my position. I hate the people I have to deal with.

3. I had no idea I knew so many naive people. Most of my friends are over the age of 21 but lately I feel like I hang out with a bunch of 13 year olds. You’re killing me, Smalls. Grow up.

4. Rush Limbaugh inked a $400 million dollar contract. What THE fuck? What is the world coming to?

5. I was channel surfing and noticed Carlos Mencia is back? They gave him another season? HE IS NOT FUNNY!

6. Kids on my block were lighting up fireworks this past Monday (the 30th) and Tuesday (the 1st)...at 4 in the fucking morning. I remember being a kid; I remember lighting fireworks in the street, good times. But not at 4am on a fucking Monday. It got to a point where I went outside with my bat but they were pretty far down the road. I could hear their shitty fireworks as if it was right on my lawn but they were about a block down. Save it for the 4th, bitches!! I need to sleep!

I'm just grumpy at the moment, don't mind me.

Oh yeah, Happy Independence day!

R.I.P. Tim Russert

A huge lost to not only his family and friends but to politics as well. He will never be forgotten. His legacy will continue forever.

Myspizzle

I've been procrastinating all afternoon. Where does procrastination lead to? Myspace. I went into my inbox and took a trip down memory lane and went back to message #1 on myspace which dates back a few years. I came across a few messages I wanted to share:

(click to enlarge the pics)
Another Radames sighting. At least this guy wasn't gay...I think?


I get hit on by younger girls a lot...why? Weird ones too.


This chick had potential at the time. Everything went smooth until we hung out. Boring ass chick. Now I know that every time she agreed with me online was bullshit. Had no opinion on...nothing basically.


I'm the white Lloyd Banks apparently.


I have no fucking clue what this message was about...till this day. I messaged this guy back and he never replied. It's kind of hilarious though


'The guitar guy at church' -has to be one of the greatest all time self-descriptions.

3 bears

I went over to the beach Friday for the 3 bears dunny release. Well more like 2 bears? I was told only two of the three artist were showing up (damn it).

My partner in crime


I think I'd be a pretty good mannequin


The line wasn't so bad


I got interviewed by this guy


Why was my mouth open? Good question.


This guy's bumper was destroyed in the parking garage


He's going to want to stab someone.


Awesome weather for standing in line for an hour or two. No sun whatsoever.


The goodies


High fives for everyone


TADO // ILOVEDUST






Until next time kiddies, peace out. How come no one ever says peace in?