Epic

I like pranks. Who doesn't? Well apparently my co-worker doesn't.

It used to be just the 3 of us (we could make it if we try) when our office was located on the 3rd floor. The three of us consist of myself, another male and a female. We'll call them Saunder and Becky.

I suggested pulling a prank on Becky to Saunder (he loved the idea) while Becky is gone on vacation. I wanted to put sticky notes all over her desk...you know...stupid small stuff. But the small stuff lead to this:





We did the following:

- Hid her plants, vanity mirror (Saunder's idea), and desk figurines
- Disassemble her chair (Saunder's idea)
- Outlined her work area with caution tape
- Disconnected her mouse and keyboard(Saunder's idea)
- We left a note on her chair but I don't remember what it said
- Connected a bunch of paperclips to create a hanging loop and taped them alongside the bottom of her desk

Two things of note:
1. Pay attention to the pictures (click to enlarge). She hated her name plate. She always kept it inside one of her desk drawers. We took out the name plate and taped it to her desk.

2. She has a dog named Toby who is like a son to her. She loves him dearly. We hung her stuffed toy dog from the ceiling over her desk. I must admit...that was kind of cruel. Could you imagine if we would have left the sticky note that said R.I.P attached to the toy? That would've earned us a kick in the groin or two.

What did she do when she came back from vacation? She cried. I'm glad I came in late. I didn't see her wrath, I didn't experience it. This is what happened when I came in:

Boss - I'm disappointed in you guys.
Me - What happened?
Boss - You made her cry; she's pissed.
Me - ...Umm...Can I take the rest of the day off?
Boss - No..

We put everything back. She was pretty upset but eventually she got over it.

I rule with Pikachu

I enjoy the simple things in life. I spent about 4 hours last night playing this with a bunch of grown men:



This is what we do. We don’t tote guns and rob liquor stores. We play sports and hang out. We don't look for trouble and cite riots. We play Smash Brothers and Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, yes, N64. I guess we could all purchase Wii's or PS3's but the integrity isnt the same. We all get that nostalgic feeling whenever we're not playing the N64.

I took some time off from work and came back this morning to this:



It might not look like much to the average person but coming from a guy that dealt with this for the past two years:



It’s awesome.

I've had a 1972 phone ever since I started working for my employer while everyone else had AT LEAST a phone that had a call-hold button. I work for the government, not Google. I don't get cool toys like this:



I thought it was some sort of 'hazing the new guy' phase I had to go through but apparently not. I had maybe the worst phone in Miami. And now? Now I have a hold button...and we are pleased. Now I have caller ID and voicemail, we are very amused. It took me about 10 minutes to set my voicemail because I had to remember that it's not a toy.

The little things people, they matter. They matter to me at least.

I'd like to be that straw

There is no significance to this post. I just wanted to share with everyone how hot Mila Kunis is (just in case anyone was unaware). Did you know Mila has two different eye colors? That's fucking weird...but I like it.

The stuff beautiful women can get away with. It's Amazing. Could you imagine some not so attractive woman with two different eye colors?

Guy 1 - Dude, did you see the new fat chick in logistics? She has two frickin eye colors.
Guy 2 - What is she a mutant?

[Mila Kunis walks in]

Guy 1 - Dude, Mila has two different eye colors!
Guy 2 - That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Guy 1 - I want her to have my children.

Mila is hot. I'm sorry Adriana, I'm just looking. I still love you, baby.

Morning after

I. Am. Very. Sleepy.



Yesterday was my birthday, whoop whoop. I spent the day thinking something will go wrong. Why? Something always goes wrong on my birthday for the past few years. Guess what? Nothing went wrong. Yesterday was glorious.

My coworkers took me out to my favorite Colombian restaurant. We had some great cocaine. Ok we didn’t. But we did have some great grub.







Bandeja paisa! It looks like a mess but it's delicious. If anyone knows a single Colombian woman who can cook, send her my way.

Then my friend gave me cupcakes with a Ninja Turtle inside. Why? Because Donatello was the brains of the operation. That's why.



Then my coworkers got a cake for me with some ice cream. Ice cream. Who doesn’t like ice cream? Crazy people, that’s who. It was chocolate and vanilla for the record.


Then I went out with some of my friends here:



I wish I could've invited more people but it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I didn't want people driving all over the place during the wee hours of the night on a Wednesday. But that's when all the magic happens, Wednesdays. Make a note of that.

Thanks to all those that gave me birthday shouts, I appreciate it.

PS: Credit to Sasha for the pic of mini-Cruz

Go shawty...

I was thinking about a thousand and one things last night. I was cleaning out some stuff and came across a movie stub I kept from the first date I went on with my ex. That got me thinking about my first date with another ex.

I picked up my ex-ex (we’ll call her Sheeba) in a limousine. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. Ok maybe it’s a little funny. I have no idea what possessed me to do that. It baffles me to this day. Sheeba would always tell me that the limo concept was not corny that she loved it. Even after we broke up she stuck with her story.

I met Sheeba on myspace. Ok now you may laugh. We talked for a pretty long time until one day I thought why don’t we umm actually meet? She agreed and the limo was reserved. So cheesy, my goodness.

I decided to drive over to South Beach and park my car in a garage near by the restaurant. The garage was about 7 blocks away from the restaurant and I had a bouquet of flowers with me. I had to hear whistles and ‘awws’ and light giggling for those 7 blocks from people on the strip. I get to the restaurant and notice the driver is late. I then reenacted a scene from True Life: I’m getting Married when that Jersey guy threatens the limo driver, “I’M GONNA GUT YOU LIKE A FISH IF YOU DON’T GET HERE IN 5 MINUTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!” Ok that didn’t happen. But he was a few minutes late.

Finally we arrive at her house and this happens:

Me – I’m outside
Sheeba – I don’t see your car. What the fuck is a limo doing outside my house?
[the driver opens my door]
[Burst of laugher from sheeba]

Then Sheeba’s mom pokes her head out of the front door with a huge smile. What a cheesy idea. We went back to the restaurant for some damn good grub, walked around the beach, went to Coconut Grove, went to Key Biscayne, and topped it off at a BP gas station. Sexy.

PS: It's a celebration!

I heart May

See ya there.

Stay tuned for pics.

Ay Caramba!

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Sound the horns! Cinco de Mayo marks the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla long, long ago.

Why am I so happy? Beats me. Mexicans don't even celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I just love celebrations. I love any excuse to drink. Ignore that last sentence.

I'm not a Mexican, I'm a Mexicant. Ok I'm neither but I will do my part today by eating a burrito or two. I'm not promising anything but I will try to take pics with a donkey. I won't pin his tail but I might speak to him/her with a Mike Myers accent.

This weekend was filled with excess blood, staples, sports, lemon juice and ponderings. I might just be the only person on this side of the Mason Dixon line that is glad that the weekend is over.

I have a date tonight with Tequila.

Not this Tequila...

...yes, this Tequila.

Drink Responsibly ; )

Sherman Hemsley

Scenario: you’re just coming back from your lunch break at work. You sit down at your desk and then it hits you. That’s right folks, it’s #2 time. Everyone does it at one point or another at work. Don’t act like you haven’t.

So I ru--walk over to the restroom chanting in my head, “Please be empty, please be empty”. I open the door and YES! EMPTY!

I give myself a mental high five and did the George Jefferson all the way over to the handicap stall. Why the handicap stall? Because it has its own separate sink, it's own separate mirror, and there’s a bunch of free space that allows me to pace back and forth if I felt like it.

So I’ve set up the toilet seat with 1,000 pounds of toilet tissue when suddenly some guy walks in. FUCK. I yelled out FUCK (inside my head) and punched the wall (also inside my head). Then I couldn’t go for some reason. I guess I got stage fright?

Note to ladies: it only happens during #2 !

Back to the jackass. I could hear every single fucking step he took with his loud shoes. He took about 5 steps and then I heard nothing. There was a 3 to 6 second pause. Then he started using the sink area that’s located in the front of the restroom. He uses it for about a minute and a half. That is way too long! It doesn't take a minute and a half to wash your hands. Then he goes over to dry his hands. This fucker doesn’t use paper towels, oh no-no-no. He’s environly-friendly, he uses the fucking hand dryer.

I don’t know about you but I don’t like this. If someone is doing #2 – get out of the restroom as soon as possible. GET OUT. This is not a time to linger around. You’re bored? Go to the lounge and look at an issue of US Weekly.

Jackass finished drying his hands a minute later and apparently he now has to use the restroom. What the fuck. You just washed and dried your hands!! I repeat, WHAT THE FUCK.

So I hear him unzip, piss, the pissing stops and he jumps up and down, he zips up, and pauses for a good 10 seconds. At this point I’m ready to give this guy a swirly.
He then goes and washed his hands for the second time. That’s way too many times for one trip. He goes to dry his hands and FINALLY he fucking leaves.

I don’t know who you are, mystery jackass man. But I got a positive I.D. on your shoes and I will go for a little walk around the building with a notepad taking notes. Im going to find you. And when I do…you’re going to get a fucking swirly.

Farewell

This will be the last post on Subterfuge. Yes, you did read that last sentence correctly.

I don’t have the time or the effort to continue posting my life away on a web site that very few people even know exist.

I let everything out on this blog. Everything I post is true. Yet no one in my close circle of friends even know that I blog (with the exception of a few / maybe a hand full). Some of my friends don't even know what a blog is. Some of them probably would be shocked at the notion of me reading let alone blogging.

Friend – What’s that in your hand?
Me – A book.
Friend – Like…to read?
Me – No, it keeps my hands warm.

Dick.

I want to thank those who stopped by every now and then and left a nice feedback or two. I’d also like to thank the ones that left feedback on certain post that made me wonder why the fuck they tried in the first place. Dramatization:

[Post topic is about dead babies]

[Person leaves a comment: your blog is awesome! ;p

Get out. Get out and don’t come back. Don't worry about closing the door, just leave. If you don’t have anything to say about the post…don’t comment? If your comment has no relevancy whatsoever then just click away. You aren’t obligated to comment…so…don’t? Ok? Got it? Great. Cool.

So today will be the last day at Subterfuge. I will delete the site and go on my separate way.

PS: Everything I said above is a lie. Sorry, I was bored...Happy Thursday!

Bullshit of all bullshit

I went out to Bed Bath and Beyond during my lunch break. Men shop there, ok?

So I'm at the checkout line and I see a box of gummy bears. I wanted it. But it was $1.49 (PLUS TAX) for the box. I could get (2) bigger bags in the hood for a buck. A BUCK. ONE DOLLAR. But I ended up coughing up two bucks for it.

Look how big the box is:

It takes up more than half of my keyboard. I'm thinking sweeeet, more candy for me! And do you see the triangle to the bottom left? Fat free, bitches! Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!

But!

I open the fucking box and this comes out:


A little fucking bag that is no bigger than my stapler. I gave up (2) bucks for this. And look closely...where the fuck are the rest of the reds? Why is there 9,000 oranges? I don't like orange, ok? Cut the shit and hook me up with more reds. Why don't they make bags that are filled with red and green gummy bears? Only red and green. That's the kind of world I want to live in.

The person/machine that filled this bag is an asshole.

Waiting for May

This month is taking forever, yet, the year has been flying by. We're almost half way through. I said almost, ok? I feel like it was yesterday that I knocked back half a bottle of Hennessy on New Year's Eve.

Weekend recap:

Went out with one of these and saw this. I can't wait for this to come out.

Watched this with a few of these.

Ate this [it wasn't all that]

Saw a lot of this

And got drooled on a lot. By who?

Max says hi [the bulldog].

Real World: Hollywood

Humans are fascinating creatures. The stuff that comes out of peoples mouths are down right hilarious sometimes. I meant that last sentence sarcastically. That's the problem with reading my blog. You can’t see the look on my face every time I get cynical.

I have to share what I saw last night. I saw this touching movie on the lifetime channel. It was about a young teen who becomes pregnant during her freshman year at high school. Ok that was a lie. It must’ve been a typo, a typo, a typo. Ok what I really watched was True Life: I'm an alcoholic. Again. But what made me laugh was a commercial for The Real World: Hollywood.

The one where Kimberly says to Brianna, "Ok let's not get ghetto."I actually LOL'd. My dog (mans best friend) looked at me as if I were yodeling or something.

That commercial sucked me in so I ended up watching the show from the beginning. Here is what I think about the cast so far:

Brianna - Initial reaction: is she black? Come on I know I’m not the only one with that question! Hmm she's a stripper, eh? What kind of strip club does she work for? She looks like a stripper that works Tuesday and Wednesdays, day shift. She's not getting any of my Washington’s.

Joey - Dude is scary huge. Which is more frightening: his hair or his muscles? Is there a reason for being that big besides tossing pianos around? He's too sensitive. "I've gotten my ass kicked since I was 2 years old" boo-hoo. Geez go cry about it. Now I see why you're so big, cry baby.

Will - Seems like an OK guy, kind of corny but then again who knows what type of person he is when the camera is off. I don’t know which is worst: someone that says dude every five seconds or someone who says 'that’s wassup' every five seconds? Cut it out, Will.

Dave - Seems like a good wingman. Yes, men are that desperate. Fuck what your girl roommates think. Go after boobers, let her in the house! He's OK. Try to keep your penis in your pants though.

Kimberly - Super racist, cute, but super racist.

I like Greg...so far. Why? Because he keeps it real damn it. He doesn’t put on a show in front of strangers let alone a national audience. He likes messing with people. He reminds me of myself. I agree with him, there are no hot women in the house. There are some cute females but nothing serious. I love how the camera shows all the shots Greg missed on the basketball court. Symbolism on MTV? No!?

Sarah - Seems to suffer from little Ms. Princess Syndrome. She is probably the most annoying person in the house. She cheated on her boyfriend after the 1st day. Technically...doesn’t her boyfriend have to go hunt down Will now? For those has not seen this episode yet: Sarah's geeky boyfriend takes off his prescription glasses and says, "If any guy out there messes with my girl, i'll hunt you down and kick your ass"

In that case:
Will - 1
Sarah Bf - 0

I could be wrong though. Don’t judge a book by its cover, kiddies. Her bf looks like a charter member of Oprah's book club but ultimate fighting could be one of his hobbies for all we know. You can't blame Will though! It's all Sarah's punk ass fault. Whore. Classic problem with the 18-21 year old female demographic.

Episode 2 recap:

-It's one thing to be goofy on your birthday and it’s another thing to invite random guys to your house when you have a boyfriend, Sarah. Dumb ass. She might have caught herpes if it wasn’t for Joey scaring the guy off.

-Did anyone notice how much smaller the guy that Joey arm wrestled was? He beat Joey what...3 times? Joe's a head case. Run away when he drinks, run!

-Inner-city-blacksville? Wowzers. Kim has to be the most racist cast member ever. Jesse Jackson would be yelling at the screen if he watched this episode.

Notice how long commercials last? Not long at all. I'm shocked!

I guess I’ll continue watching. I haven’t watched The Real World since the Las Vegas season. You know what I want to see for once? A chick that isn’t so easy. Come on MTV, Surprise me! But then again prude chick’s doesn’t equal to high ratings. Damn it. Stay tuned next week for when I bash Tila Tequila.

You the king of forest?

Remember this?

Apparently this happens in real life...kind of.

So i'm at a lounge last night chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool. I'm drinking like a fish. Wait a second. Do fish drink water? Someone please google it and let me know, thanks.

Where was I? Oh yea I was drinking like Carmelo Anthony. I needed to pay the water bill so I ran (power walked) to the rest room. There are 9 urinals in the men's room and 4 enclosed toilets. Counting from left to right, I went to urinal #2. I unzip and...ahhh. Priceless. Is there a better feeling than that release?

Anyway, so I'm letting it out and some guy walks in coughing and hawks up a loogie and spits it into the trash. Then guess where he goes to take a piss? Urinal number fucking 3. I kept cool and put a nasty frown on my face. The kind when:

-you're stuck behind someone at a toll booth who doesn't have a quarter and you have to wait for the toll lady to take down all their information.

-a cop pulls you over for being a minority in a bad neighborhood.
- back in 1994 you'd go to blockbuster to check out a new movie release...and it was fucking rented out. No more copies. How bad did you hate that?

Me - Dude! Blockbuster has Angels in the Outfield!
Friend - Sweeeeeeeet! Let's go!
Me [notices that they're out] - Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Let's burn this motherfucker down!

So I basically hugged the urinal until I finished urinating. As I walked over to wash my hands the guy says, "Hey-you know what time it is?" Fuck you, men don't speak to each in empty restrooms, OK? Wait until we're both outside and then you ask for the time. Ask me whatever you want outside, ask for the weather, who is the Dalai Lama, I don't know...a fucking algebraic equation. Just don't ask me inside the restroom unless we're both waiting to wash/dry our hands. be kind to the environment, dry your hands ; )

Happy Earth Day. Now go hug a tree.

No goose if you don't get loose

I just had the most amazing weekend ever. It was filled with drugs, sex, midgets, and money. Ok two of those four are lies. The opening line is a lie too, my weekend sucked. I became an alcoholic, had an intervention, and conquered alcoholism all in a 3 day span!
It began Friday night. I finished some business I had to take care of and needed a drink. We were out of Sunny Delight so I chose the next best thing: Goose.A sip led to a gulp and that led to me making it rain on myself. Yes, myself. I love this stuff more than Russians do.

I went to a little event on Saturday morning and guess what I had for breakfast? Eggo Waffles. You thought I was going to say Grey Goose, didn’t you? Come on now. I’m not that much of a drunk. I had it for lunch.

My mother asked to borrow some money so I told her to go ahead and get it from my secret stash in my room. Disclaimer: for those bloggers who has been to my home: I have no secret stash, don’t bother looking. I’ll stab you if you do.

So she goes into my room and finds an empty bottle of Goose. Great.

I get home later that Saturday to a living room filled with holy Christians. My mother actually set up a prayer session for me. She said quote, “I know you’re fighting with a lot of demons and we want you to know that we love you”. Very touchy moment. But demons? I mean I like Angel just as much as the next guy but those are the only demons in my life. Well they used to be in my life. I’m pretty sure the show was canceled years ago. I'm also pretty sure that I was the only guy to like that show.

Anyway, they gathered around me in a circle and began to pray. This one guy touched my shoulder and began yelling and I’m thinking goodness gracious...are they performing an exorcism on me? They all had their eyes shut and I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid in my life. But the praying and chanting stopped and I went to take a shower (good shower might I add).

I went to sleep and dreamt that I gave myself a mohawk. I don’t know what that symbolizes but I woke up and lost the need for alcohol.

This post has a bunch of exaggeration so believe with caution.

Happy Monday, biatches.

Go fuck yourself, Tom

Myspace. Home of the strange, adored by deviants.

I usually get a message or two a day from strange people. I got a message from a guy maybe a year ago that went something like this:

"Dude! Your name is Radames!? That's my name too! How weird! You live in Miami? We should totally hang out! You know what our name means?" ---No, we shouldnt hang out. I wish I had saved that message.

Myspace is for trick ass marks, a mark ass trick, skeezers, scally wags, scally wops and hooli hoo's. I don't know what that means either. Word to Chappelle.

Wouldnt it be nice to receive a message from a nice employed young lady with some moral values and a cute smile? That'd be sweet. But guess what? It's not going to happen, home slice. Instead you'll receive messages like this:

[Click the pic to enlarge]



Only if you're cute, of course. [Gave myself a high five]

Not everyone on myspace are deviants. Some people still use it as means of communicating with family/friends. That's cool. We're on the same boat. Don't rock it. I get sea sick.

Wake up, bitches

I’m a morning person. The rest of the world is not apparently. You have to wake up at 6am to get to work? Aww! Poor baby! Somebody cut this guy some slack! Cutting slack. This term has always fascinated me. This is what goes on in my head when I hear, “Cut him/her some slack”...

[I walk into an elementary school-like cafeteria]

Cafeteria lady – Good day, Mr. Cruz!
Me – Hello, Pam!
Cafeteria lady – Look at you, looking all handsome and what not!
Me [blushing] – oh stop it!
Me – What’s on the menu today?
Cafeteria lady – some lovely slack
Me – can you cut me some?
Cafeteria lady - I don’t know….can I?

[Both laugh hysterically]

Ok enough of that. So I’m driving along listening to my music (ATB – Ecstasy) and stop at a red light. It wasn’t full blast but you could definitely hear it if you weren’t listening to music. A guy next to me looks at me as if saying, “It’s too early for that shit, TURN IT OFF!” But you know what bud? Too fucking bad! It’s not too early for me! I’ll blast Elton John at whatever fucking time I want! Or maybe the look the guy gave me was more of a, “Dude…the fuck are you listening to?”.

Green light, time to boogie. I made a pit stop at a 7/11 and everyone in the store hates life except for me. I held the door open for a lady (being all gentlemen like) and she didn’t even say thank you. I don’t even think she knew what today’s date is. I gave her a mental fuck you and went to over to get a red bull. That was a lie. I hate red bull. I went over to the beverage section and got myself a 40 oz. Schlitz Malt Liquor. That was a lie too. I got an orange juice, ok? Dangerous, eh? That’s all me, baby. Fuego.

I boogie (word of the day) over to pay for my OJ and the guy behind the counter looks like a zombie. Something like this:


But minus the blood and he was black, not white. And he didn’t have a suit on. And…ok you get the picture. I hope.

I’m in my own perky world this morning…alone. Does anyone care to join me?

Use it in a sentence?

Ever had one of those days where you forget how to spell certain words? I work with a data entry program at work and it doesn’t have a spell check button. I'm feeling a little dyslexic today. Don’t make fun of me. Don't make fun of slow children!!

What have I misspelled today?

Canllation – this is suppose to be cancellation. I looked at it for about 20 seconds and thought what is wrong with it? It took me 20 seconds to find out. 20 SECONDS. I might be retarded.

Modificatio – this is supposed to be modification.

Recieved – I actually spelled received that way,,,and thought nothing was wrong for about an hour.

Facillity – Facility doesn’t have two L’s! Smh.

I need a break, vacation, I don't know...a spelling course. Something!

Today blohs blows.

I wish I was a little bit taller

I learned a lot of things throughout life. I’ve talked about some one them in the past.

Today marks the anniversary (kind of) of one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. I say kind of because I don’t remember the exact date, I just remember that it was some day in between the month of April (9 years ago).

My cousin and I were pretty much like brothers for a while during my teen years. We got into trouble countless times. I remember helping his friends steal a folder filled with rare Pokémon cards (shut up, we were 13) from a geek that lived down the street from my grandmothers house. We also took his Gameboy.

I actually feel pretty guilty for doing that. My job was to distract the kid while the other guys ran into his room and grabbed what they could. I talked to the poor kid about his GameBoy while my friends went inside to, "use the restroom". Make sure this is playing in the background while you’re reading this part. He was so naive and innocent. He knew nothing of the cruelty in this world. All he wanted was some friends. Someone to talk to, someone to play games with, someone to have his back. Instead he got a taste of evil.

I put his GameBoy in my pocket when he wasn't looking. My friends ran out of his house yelling, “Go, go, go!” He looked at me with a look of confusion. I felt like Skeet Ulrich in As Good as It Gets when Simon notices that he has been betrayed by Vincent. There was that moment of wtf as I betrayed his trust. We ran. They put the folder inside of a plastic bag, buried it in my cousin's backyard, and placed a crate on top of it.

Did we steal social security cards? Did we steal bank statements from Enron? My friends went out of control with their paranoia. They eventually fought over the cards. Whatever. I was happy with the GameBoy.

We did stupid shit like this ever since I could remember. The older we got, the more trouble we got into. Let’s fast forward two years after the Pokémon incident.

My sister was pretty liberal with her car. She’d let my cousin and I joy ride all the time around my neighborhood. Classic role model. Ever heard of Ghost Riding the Whip? We invented that. Kind of. We used to drive about 10-15 MPH, hop out and walk alongside of the car or sit on top of the roof or stand on top of the hood while the other person recorded the stupidity with a video camera.

Here’s where it gets really stupid. My sister had a Ford Focus. This car (like a lot of cars) had a latch inside of the trunk that allowed you to open the trunk from the inside. Amazing news to stupid kids like ourselves. We got a kick out of scaring unsuspecting people at street corners, shopping plazas, wherever. We sometimes threw water balloons and eggs as well. We were jerks.

One day we go out for a little joy ride with my sister. My sister is driving and my cousin is riding shotgun. Riding shotgun. I wonder who came up with that. Anyway, I’m in the trunk.

We begin at a Shell gas station. My cousin gives me the signal (2 loud thumps) and I open the trunk and yell out something like ‘AHHH!’ or ‘BWUAH!!!’. I'm a child...yes, I know. People would freak out. This one guy in particular with gold grills yelled out when I scared him. I don’t think you’re allowed to scream like that with grills in your mouth.

So we’re driving along scaring people and I hear a police siren. I pause for a second and think to myself, “no...hehehe.” Then the siren becomes louder and louder as it gets closer. Then I hear multiple squad cars. Now I’m saying ‘not good, not good’ 198 times repeatedly to myself. Then a cop yells out from his bullhorn, “PULL OVER AND TURN OFF THE VEHICLE. SLOWLY THROW THE KEYS OUTSIDE OF THE CAR! DRIVER, SLOWLY OPEN THE DOOR FROM THE OUTSIDE WITH YOUR LEFT HAND!”. By this point I’m having a heart attack and convincing God how much I’ll change my ways if he prevents the cops from Rodney King-ing me.

Then…silence.

I hear nothing but radio dispatching. Then I hear keys jiggling and a cop opens the trunk. I see 5 police officers with their guns drawn at me. They see a chubby teen curled into the fetal position. I said, "Hi." I think they all simultaneously yelled expletives at me and made me get out of the trunk.

There were two cops that spoke to me at the scene. Good cop, bad cop. Bad cop was this 5 foot nothing Caucasian dude that used my leg as a soccer ball when I didn't spread my legs far enough when he asked me to (pause). Bad cop wanted me to spend the weekend in jail or as he eloquently put it: We should lock your stupid asses up for the weekend so bubba can make you funny boys laugh! Fucking Morons!.

Good cop was this huge black dude that looked something like Jason Taylor, yay for the ladies. He explained to us that they received a call from a lady saying that she saw a dead body in the trunk of a blue Ford Focus. Yeah. There were 9 squad cars from my count. I didn't have a belt on during this whole ordeal and Bad cop didn't give me a chance to pull up my pants. So I was standing in the middle of an intersection in cuffs with pants halfway down my ass. And of course that day was laundry day so I had on tighty whitey's. Great. I never had been beeped at so much by drivers passing by. Now I know how hot women feel like when pervs honk at them. Kinda.

They let us go with a warning. Bad cop apparently wanted me to get butt raped. Fuck the bad cop. As we drove off, Power 96 (radio station) was playing ‘Wish by Skee-lo’. I felt like dedicating it to the bad cop but I really didn’t want to meet bubba.

Roy orbison

I usually can’t remember most of my dreams. It’s a situation where I’d have to immediately write down what happened as soon as I wake up or I’d forget in less than a minute (strange, yes). I remember color dreams, dying in dreams, cooking, stabbing, loving, jousting, and washing but I can’t remember any other details from those dreams. There is only one dream that I could never get out of my head.

See the picture above? Yes, it’s Christopher Walken. We need more cowbell. Respect. Do you see how he is kneeling down on the desk? Some random demon like angel with wings covered in blood was kneeling that same way on the roof of my childhood house, right above the entrance. That creeps me out today let alone 10 years ago. I blame The Prophecy.

But last nights dream wasn’t frightful at all. I was in someone’s living room playing guitar hero.

Although, the dance dance revolution screen was up, not the traditional guitar hero screen. It wasnt a special edition game or anything...it was just fucking weird. This is what I saw:

I guess the ‘me’ in the dream didn’t notice because I kept rocking out. I don't even know how the controls worked but they did! I don't get it! I'm flabbergasted! For those who havent played Guitar hero, this is what the screen should look like:

Here’s where the weird part comes in. The screen changes from DDR and a screen shot of this guy pops up on screen with a blue bar:

Erik Estrada. Yes, the guy from Chips. I'm sure some of you have seen his infomercials on Saturday mornings. Anyway, back to the game. He pops up on screen holding a gun along with a blue bar that moves across the screen. You have to tap the blue button (on the guitar) repeatedly in order to reach the end of the bar. And while you’re tapping the blue button…gun sounds exploded from the speakers (the sound of a machine gun to be exact). I tap, tap and tap some more. Then I finish the CHIPS level and the Estrada holding a gun picture transitions into a picture of Estrada giving me two thumbs up as if he was the Fonz. Then I woke up.

I would’ve said WTF a million and one times if that really happened. Why was it so normal for me during the dream? Has anyone ever been able to process information thoroughly while dreaming? Is there any common sense in the dream state? Am I asking too many questions? Ok I’ll stop.

Happy Tuesday, biatches.

Do I look Puerto Rican to you?

[John hands Zeus a gun]
John - You know how to fire one of these?
Zeus - No.
John - No?
Zeus - Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker!

Die Hard: With a vengeance has to be one of my favorite movies of all time. One thing that bothers me throughout the movie is this bitch:

German Assassin bitch


She really thought she was hot shit. I don't think there is anyone else in the history of film whom I've despised more. But I've compiled a list and here are the bitches that I would've loved to have stabbed throughout my life:

Ms. Trenchbull - Matilda (Yes, Matilda. Stop laughing)


What a bitch. Try to put me in the choking and Cruz is going to have to choke him a bitch.

Angelica - Rugrats


Ms. Drama queen that needed a good stab or two. I use to take that show personally as a kid. I used to get offended when Angelica would boss Chuckie around. I'd yell, "don't take that shit, Chuckie! Slap her!"

Monique


Her jealousy towards skinny women upsets me. Stop hating on the skinny girls for wearing sexy clothing. If you got it flaunt it. Don't hate, damn it! Go order yourself a triple whopper meal and shut the fuck up.

Rosie O'Donnell


And last but not least, Donald Trump's best friend. Lady, you're not funny. Please...shush your mouth.

STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE!

"Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book be its cover."

Here's another movie most wouldn't expect to find in my collection, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Yeah it's a musical, yeah there's the guy from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York playing a transvestite, yeah it's all pretty gay...but who gives a shit?

Tim Curry has big balls for playing the role of Frank-n-Furter. The movie would've sucked without him. Who knew Herkermer Homolka played a transvestite before he ate sesame cake? I didn't. Also, Susan Sarandon was hot, especially during her touch me bit.

Go rent it if you haven't seen it by now. If you live in South Florida, go down to Flippers on a Saturday night and watch it there for $6.50.

Brainwashed

Why was I such a dick?

Why couldn't I give a little more?

I'm sorry for treating you like shit.

I'm sorry for not spending more time with your family. Yes, your mother is a bitch but I should have just compromised and kept my mouth shut. You cared so much for my parents and I could careless about yours. My mother loved you. My dad loved you. I never seen him so genuine with another girlfriend of mine. I feel stupid for what i've done.

I'm sorry for letting my anger ruin certain moments. It's incredibly easy to just let it go but I never did. So many good times that could have been great.

I'm sorry for hanging out with females certain times out of a week and never telling you. You would have NEVER done that to me and I feel pretty ridiculous right now for doing that to you. Honesty is key and I wasn't at all.

I'm sorry for making you cry all those times. You definitely didn't deserve any of them. Especially when you dropped me off for my dentist appointment. I don't know who that guy is but it certainly wasn't me.

I'm sorry for not giving you the emotional attention you wanted at certain times. How much easier could things have been if i'd just held your hand that time, hugged you or sat next to you when you wanted. How hard is it to stay an extra 5 minutes outside your house? Why was I in such a rush to leave?

Our biggest problem was that you cared so much about me. You didn't cheat on me, you didn't have bad habits, you didn't neglect me, you didn't lie to me, you weren't selfish, no. You genuinely cared for me, you'd text me throughout the work day, you'd call me when i'd ask you to after work, you'd want to come over all the time. Our biggest problem was how I couldn't get over the fact that someone out there is actually willing to spend all of their time with me.

Do you know how sad it is for your own mother to tell your girlfriend to end the relationship because her son is an asshole?

I'm sorry for making you feel like everything I ever told you was a lie. It wasn't a lie.

I made you feel shitty for loving me.

I knew all about your abandonment issues yet I made things worst for you in the end.

It's terrible that the good times will be overshadowed by the bad.

I'm sorry for never apologizing.

I hope you do find someone better than that guy who you use to be with. I don't know who that guy is. I feel brainwashed when I think of it. I don't want forgiveness, I just want something better for you.

Lima Time

If you’ve read my older post you know that Christina Milian is my celebrity crush. She has been ever since “Between me and you”.

But lately I’ve been feeling someone else. Yes, I’ve been cheating on Ms. Milian. Yes, men are dogs. We cant even stay faithful in imaginary relationships.

Back to my new main squeeze.

Who can replace Ms. Milian you might ask. Someone who :

-does charitable work
helping with an orphanage, "Caminhos da Luz" (Ways of Light), located in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil.

-is fluent in three languages —Portuguese, Spanish and English.

-was born in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil and is of African, Native South American and Swiss descent.

-is the world's fourth highest paid supermodel as of 2007

Ok, ok enough. Feels like I’m going to included her resume in this post.

[drum roll]...............................It’s Adriana Lima


Yes, Lima time baby.

No, not that Lima time!

Yes, this Lima time!

She’s so…desirable. At least to me she is. It must be nice waking up to her without make-up looking all natural and beautiful. There’s a disclaimer though, “"Sex is for after marriage," explained Lima. "They (men) have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me." In an interview with GQ April 2006 issue she explained how she is a virgin and devote Catholic who attends church every Sunday. That’s right; Sexy Ms. Sexxington got some moral values.

Hello Mrs. Cruz, alll righttt.

Magic Dance

I’m a movie buff, I love movies. We all have at least one movie in our DVD collection that we keep in a separate place (no, not porn…sometimes). But I’m talking about a movie which you wouldn’t want your friends to know you actually like let alone love.

Example:

Hardcore thug – yo, go get my Menace II Society DVD, son.
Thug’s friend – [shuffles through DVD collection] – Maid in Manhattan? The fuck is this?
Hardcore Thug – uh uh uh...it’s my sisters!
HC Thug’s friend – you don’t have a sister!

Anyway, back to my movie. Well I have a couple of movies in my arsenal. Here is numbero uno:

Labrinth


Jareth -You remind me of the babe
Goblin - What babe?
Jareth - The babe with the power!
Goblin - What power?
Jareth - Power of voodoo!
Goblin - Who do?
Jareth - You do!
Goblin - Do what?
Jareth - Remind me of the babe!

Oh man this movie is gold for me. Creepy creatures, a dog named Ambrosius, inappropriate attire around kids (see the bulge), a romantic underage love story hidden inside a children's movie. Yes, David Bowie is a borderline hebephile in this movie. Look at his attire below. Not suitable for kids.



I’m not making this up. Go get the DVD and watch the movie up until the part where she bites into the poisoned peach...COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE FROM THEN ON. What happened to the kid’s movie I was watching? Why is David Bowie giving her the “look”? You know the look.



Why is Jennifer Connelly all of a sudden hot in the ballroom scene? I’d hit it (if she was legal of course). Jim Henson is trying to pull a fast one on all of us!

[David Bowie – Within you] - Your eyes can be so cruel! Just as I can be so cruel! Oh I do believe in you! ---What the fuck is this? Why are you trying to bang a thirteen your old, Bowie? Listen to the song ‘Within you’ from the movie, tell me if that song is appropriate for a kids movie! What happened to the singing and fun with all the weird creatures? This movie is so far off that I love it. You got to love those crazy 80’s movies that leave you wondering. I’m on to you Jim Henson. I wonder if he forgot what movie he was doing halfway through. It’s possible! R.I.P Jim, you sly devil you.

I'd like What's on TV for $200, Alex

TV time has been on a hiatus at my house for a pretty long time.

But not anymore! I feel like those people who screw up in rehab (I said no, no, no).

TV still sucks but there are a few shows that never seem

to fail of late.

Such as:

Countdown with Keith Olbermann

O-dog has been the man since his Sportscenter days. Great communicator, hates Fox News (So do I, screw Hannity), he has been missed dearly over at ESPN. He's doing his best to keep the wacko Republicans (only the wackos) in check. He can get extremely left at times but for the most part I agree with his views and rantings.

Jeopardy
I love Jeopardy. I was on a roll last night in the first round with four correct answers. I didnt get another one right for the rest of the game. Damn you Trebek for pointing out my ignorance!! I wonder if Alex has ever lost his cool during a taping of a show? I wonder what kind of trash talk comes out of his mouth? Dude is smooth. I imagine him out on a date when something like this occurs:

Hot chick – Wow look! What a pretty bird!
Alex – Oh that’s a Passerine.
Hot chick – Passerine?
Alex – Yes, many Passerines are songbirds and have complex muscles to control their syrinx; many gape in the nest as infants to beg for food.
Hot chick – What's a syrinx?
Alex - The vocal organ of a bird, consisting of thin vibrating muscles at or close to the division of the trachea into the bronchi.
Hot chick - God you're so smart. Want to go fuck my brains out?
Alex - Why certainly.

Alex is awesome.


Baseball Tonight I miss Harold Reynolds damn it. The sexual harassment issue was misunderstanding! Bring him back! Libertad! Libertad! Karl Ravech is like the cool older dude that lives down the block that makes you wonder why he’s friends with you to begin with. I don’t know if that makes sense? Whatever. Karl is cool, ok? Kruky is ok, he has grown on me. Vina's beard scares me for some reason. Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons are legends.

Law & Order: SVU

Arguably the best drama on TV at the moment. The episode with Jeff Kober has to be one of my favorites. Awesome show, Criminal Intent sucks balls. I don't care!!!

40 Year old virgin Ok this doesn’t count but I saw 40 year old virgin last night and it brought me to tears yet again. It must be a trip to hang out with Seth Rogen. He looks like the kind of guy that would get you into all sorts of trouble. Well at least the funny Seth. Not the bully from Donnie Darko (what was that about?). We'll pretend that he was never in Donnie Darko.

Rambling on

Sounds like someone has the case of the Mondays…YEP! Although it’s Wednesday. Is it like this in every office environment? I don’t want to be here. I rather be home sleeping. I wake up hating life at 7am throughout the work week and wake up at 6am on the weekends (unintentionally)...what’s that about?

Our educational system sucks. I've learned more on the Internet than I ever have in school. Maybe it’s because I went to a D school? Perhaps.

Anyway, back to the work environment! People here suck. Not everyone but a lot of them treat others like crap. Everything is fine and dandy when you’re around them but the second you walk away the trash talking begins. I’m an aspiring graphic designer; I like to create art in various ways for various outlets. I’d be a dick if I began criticizing people who are not in the field now would I? You don’t know what typography is? You come from planet loser or something (my trash talking is not up to date sorry)?

What i'm saying is that you shouldn't poke fun at people who don’t know squat about the field you work in. People around here don’t seem to understand that. YES THAT MAN/WOMAN MADE A MISTAKE…GET OVER IT. He/she doesn't work in your department nor cares what your department does. He just wants to pay his fucking outstanding invoices, he doesn’t want a fucking lecture in procurement. He’s a department head. He takes home double/triple than what you take. He can give a shit-less if you’ve told him before how the procedure works! I’m sure he pretty much pity’s you. But if it makes you feel better at the end of the day by criticizing him then do it silently. I don’t want to hear your shit while I’m blogging :)

For those readers out there that I work with…hi…nice of you to drop in. You could go and tell everyone in building about my blog, thanks for the free publicity, bitches.

I think I mentioned this before but just in case I didn’t...I have a co-worker who doesn’t know how to copy and paste! How does that happen!? Is it 1994? A while back I told her to copy something she was looking at and paste it into a word document and she said, “How?” Oh em gee. I refrained myself from making her cry and showed her how to copy/paste. Apparently she should take notes because she forgot. She asked me again yesterday while we were both alone in the office. Sigh.

I hate that there's only 2 beverage vending machines in the lounge and they both suck = a coke machine and a machine that has 9 different selections of water. Yes, 9, and no juice whatsoever.

Ok I'm done venting, sorry if you read all of that. There is no point. I just started to type and it got me this far. Good day to all.

Fool

Today is that day. A day where it is ok to lie, sort of.

The day where you take a co-workers car keys without being noticed and park their car on another block and pretend as if it were stolen. - That's funny, good idea.

Some people suck at it though, here is a bad idea:

Girl: I want to break up, it's not working out.
Boy: Wtf? Why? Huh? Who? When? Where? Is it another guy? Is it that guy you said hi to at Starbucks? I know it is. I put up with all your shit and I don't complain, i'm always there for you, and you know what? Fuck you! I don't need this shit! Go be a whore with Starbucks boy, go!
Girl: ...Umm...April Fools? But it's nice to see where your head is at. Good bye, jerk!
[Girl slaps boy]
[Boy is left dumbfounded]

Be careful today and watch out for those pranksters.